If you don’t have respect for their strength you can’t be of any help. It’s a privilege that they let you in – there’s no reason they should trust you – none. You can’t know their terror – It’s your worst nightmare come true – a nightmare from which you can never awaken. It’s unrelenting. There has been no safety: no one, no time, no thing – all was tainted. Hope was obliterated – time and time again.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
If there was no little girl ~ there would be no pain
I have never felt ANY physical pain
that even comes close to the overwhelming shit that is inside of me.
And every night I wonder what it would feel like to feel safe.
What does that even mean?
I wonder what it would feel like to get up in the morning and to FEEL alive
and not have to pretend to be alive.
I feel defeated and afraid.
And my body plays this cruel joke of breathing
living ~ when nothing else inside of me sees a reason too. And if there is no little girl there is no pain.
That's what I need right now.
That’s what I want right now
She is way too much!
She is evil and poisonous.
And the only way to make it stop is for her to go away –
no matter what that takes
no matter what the consequences. She will never know what it’s like to live without the feelings of fear.