Thursday, August 13, 2009

If there was no little girl ~ there would be no pain

I have never felt ANY physical pain
that even comes close to the overwhelming shit that is inside of me.
Nothing compares!
And every night I wonder what it would feel like to feel safe.
What does that even mean?
I wonder what it would feel like to get up in the morning and to FEEL alive
and not have to pretend to be alive.
I feel defeated and afraid.
And my body plays this cruel joke of breathing
living ~ when nothing else inside of me sees a reason too.
And if there is no little girl there is no pain.
That's what I need right now.
That’s what I want right now
She is way too much!
She is evil and poisonous.
And the only way to make it stop is for her to go away –
no matter what that takes
no matter what the consequences.
She will never know what it’s like to live without the feelings of fear.
She will never feel safe.

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