Saturday, August 1, 2009


You know- its really the "little things" in everyday life that are so messed up because of the past, because of HIM! Let me provide an example to give you a "flavor" for the constant shit that plagues me because of HIM!

You put a load of whites in the washing machine...add the detergent, the fabric softener... And then the bleach- but you forget to breathe through your mouth only when adding the bleach- and suddenly the smell of the bleach makes you gag, and you have to run to the bathroom to puke- and then lie on the floor trying to get the thought out of your head that the bleach smelled like cum. But you can't and so you feel cold and clammy, even though you're sweating- and you can't breathe even though you keep telling yourself that "presently" - there is no one shoving his dick down your throat and forcing you to swallow his cum.

"Want a lollipop?...How many licks does it take to get to the center where there will be a *surprise* for you?...Lick it up, baby, lick it up!" How ‘bout that messed up shit for a pleasant evening? And if it weren't for the 5 year old inside of me- I would be able to put bleach in the washing machine like a normal person!

But, as DT so eloquently put it, "the past cannot be undone". He fucked me! And that' will never change. Therefore I HAVE to "make accommodations" to avoid what he did! Which means NOT breathing through my nose when I put bleach in the washing machine! And when I forget...well it f-s me up for hours!

And then, AFTER you finish giving your dad a blow job...we can wake up your drunken mother and brothers and we'll go to the waffle house for pancakes! Well, that sounds like a great deal to a 5 year old! Maybe by the time we get there my jaw will stop hurting and I will no longer want to puke!

Gawd! The things a girl will do for a couple of pancakes!



  1. I HAVE to "make accommodations" to avoid what she did!

    You are making accomodations to avoid what HE did and the horror that his actions caused her. She was just a kid. He is the one. He is the whore.

  2. I found your site by way of "Just Be Real".

    I don't even know what to say after reading your post, except that someone is hearing you and your pain.

    Blessings and Hugs,


  3. My dear Gracie, this post ticked me off!!!

    I am so very sorry for the crap that you go through and the torment!!!! I feel your anger!!!!! Dear one never feel you have nothing to say, "you do!" You are an encouragement to me.

    Wish I could hug you in person, but I am always here sitting and listening with you here.

    Safe Hugs♥

  4. ER "You are making accomodations to avoid what HE did and the horror that his actions caused her. She was just a kid. He is the one. He is the whore." You're absolutely right! It's difficult for me to see that at night, when it's dark...when he cries and he's back. But you're right, I changed it... ~ G.

    Tammy, Thank you for hearing me. Its still hard but helps to know I have support, even vitually.

    JBR, thank you - and thank you for saying my words do help you. Thank you for being here... always

    I don't write a lot about my "experiences" in the real sense. Feelings, how I feel, but not a lot about the atual things he did. It's difficult and still feels dirty and shameful. I rarely talk about them in therapy session, either. So I really appreicate the comments and support. Truly, from my heart.
    ~ Grace