A few weeks ago DT said, “Grace, I know you are angry with me for some legitimate reasons, but do you think, perhaps, you also take anger out on me that should be directed at your parents. But you direct it to me because that’s safer for you, and it also may be a way for you to avoid working through some things.”
Hummn…well…yes, I do. But somehow, her speaking those words out loud to me made me see it more clearly. (Gee – strange huh…NOT – isn’t that her job?) Since that time the 5 year old still gets scared and sad and wants DT to be there for her, even though other parts of me realizes that that’s not DT’s job. And then the angry teenager gets mad at both DT and the 5 year old…but there has been improvement. But the critical one ~ well, she just directs all the anger at me…if I think the wrong thing, if I make a mistake, if I do something she doesn’t like…then she rains down on us telling us how worthless and dirty and revolting we are. That hasn’t changed.
The only way I can explain the feelings about DT – is that I feel like a child being left at daycare…maybe angry and sad at first, and then *okay* because of the daily distractions. Then throughout the day (really, night for me, but for the sake of the metaphor I’m using day) I have glimpses of anger for being left, and sadness for feeling unsafe, scared and abandoned by her . But then she returns (via session, or email) and suddenly I feel safe again. Before, it was all feelings of anger about her not being here at night when I’m hurt and scared. And the anger would continue to spew over into the times she was actually there, and I couldn’t *see* her there, all I could see was the raging anger at her for NOT being there at night. I’m okay with that realization and that reality right now. That doesn’t mean that I’m not still scared and angry at night when I want her to be here (she is the “representation” of “safety” for me…the “substitute” safe mother I never had). I think I could be in the middle of a category 4 hurricane and if she was with me I wouldn’t be frightened.
Anyway, I’m sure that will change at some point…hell – maybe in 15 minutes. But for now, I feel *okay* and it feels really f-ing good to feel *okay* for now.