Sunday, August 16, 2009

I accept that it will happen...the only unanswered question is "when"...

I’ve known for some time now that I am going to die of an accidental drug overdose. That said, I am not actively planning to end my life. I have in the past, but that is not the case right now. I say that because every night when the excruciating pain becomes too much and there is no one internally able to cope with the agony, the alcohol flows, along with the anti-anxiety and sleeping meds…and then the razors pierce my skin in an effort to obtain the ‘unattainable’…relief from the pain.

I don’t have a great feeling of fear about how my life will end. We all have to “die” right? Everything and everyone has an expiration date. I don’t want to die right now, I don’t. But at night, when I am no longer in charge, it is no longer my choice. At night, she will try to reach out, to make contact with someone safe…but there will be no one. Friends will be asleep, DT will not answer after 10, and she will NOT EVER reach out to a stranger…no 911, or hotline for us! She will never talk to a stranger about any of this!

I have shared these thoughts with a couple of close friends as well as DT…but no one seems overly concerned about it. Maybe they accept it as our fate too. Perhaps they realize there is nothing anyone can do to interfere with ‘fate’. So there should be no surprise when it does happen.

So I should accept that suicidal thoughts and my ultimate fate of demise just “is”. Much like other things in life…it just is. So whether it be tonight, or next week, or next month…or whenever – that’s how it will end for me. I will become another victim of accidental overdose, just like Marilyn Monroe, just like Anna Nicole Smith…I’ve always known this to be my "future", and somehow we find comfort in knowing that someday the pain will end and there will be peace.

Just a fact. It’s pointless to try to continue to outrun is my fate. It will happen. I accept it. The only unanswered question is “when”.


  1. ((((Gracie)))
    Dear one sitting here listening.

    Gracie, you know what I am going to say, and I was struggling whether to repeat it or not, but one time you said to me in a post that you take comfort from what I write, whether you believe what I say is true or not.

    So, all I will say, and will continue to say to you during these hard times is that despite your feelings towards God, He Does Care! He Does Love You!

    (Dear one I can understand not feeling the love from Him, as I struggle with this too, but I go on faith that He Does!!) He Does Feel Your Pain and wants to help you!! It is a two way road here. You cannot do it yourself!! Cry out to Him, invite Him in to heal your pain. Gracie, He does understand.

    Again, I know how very difficult this is to believe! Gracie, He is right there wanting to help you, just ask Him to dear one and accept what He has to offer.

    You do have a choice! You do have precious little ones that you do care about and love here on earth.

  2. JBR ~ I read your words and I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of faith. Believe it, or not, I have a *spiritual mother* who tells me some of the same....her words to me last year: "We don't have to work or perform or obtain perfection to be good enough to our heavenly Father nor those that truly love us...Gods greatest commandant is simply love and glory Him first and others and ourselves second....So simple but yet due to the numerous turns and side roads we encounter this often has seemed truly unattainable."
    She has been a dear friend to me for many years. You remind me of her....

    Lynn, thank you...I needed that :-)

    (hugs) back to both of you...~Grace