I don’t have a great feeling of fear about how my life will end. We all have to “die” right? Everything and everyone has an expiration date. I don’t want to die right now, I don’t. But at night, when I am no longer in charge, it is no longer my choice. At night, she will try to reach out, to make contact with someone safe…but there will be no one. Friends will be asleep, DT will not answer after 10, and she will NOT EVER reach out to a stranger…no 911, or hotline for us! She will never talk to a stranger about any of this!
I have shared these thoughts with a couple of close friends as well as DT…but no one seems overly concerned about it. Maybe they accept it as our fate too. Perhaps they realize there is nothing anyone can do to interfere with ‘fate’. So there should be no surprise when it does happen.
So I should accept that suicidal thoughts and my ultimate fate of demise just “is”. Much like other things in life…it just is. So whether it be tonight, or next week, or next month…or whenever – that’s how it will end for me. I will become another victim of accidental overdose, just like Marilyn Monroe, just like Anna Nicole Smith…I’ve always known this to be my "future", and somehow we find comfort in knowing that someday the pain will end and there will be peace.
Just a fact. It’s pointless to try to continue to outrun it...it is my fate. It will happen. I accept it. The only unanswered question is “when”.