Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I killed her ~ with a razor blade ~ in the 'secret hiding place'

Tonight, CrazyBrain has metastastized into this huge fatal tumor.  Must cut her out of me after numbing with copious amounts of ketel one.
I fucking hate her!
I don't give a fuck if I am imposed with the death penalty!
It'll be worth it!

In the death of CrazyBrain- how do you plead?
Guilty, your honor - by reason of insanity!
** having major sui thoughts tonight.  As I see it- it will pass, or i will follow thru with them- either way is fine with me right now.

Monday, February 1, 2010

"CRAZYHEAD"...I don't get it!

I cannot figure out why CrazyBrain freaks over some things but not others.  Let me give an example:
On Saturday, I wrote that on Friday night, the therapist's patience won over CBs anger and distrust, but what I did not share was the fact that early last week CB made a connection (which may or may not be true) that the therapist was marrying a for Zen Monk who has some (IMO) f'd up practices and meditates 14 hours a day.  So that's what CB freaked out about on Friday night.  Now, I get that the therapist's private life is just that 'private' and therefore none of CB's business...but when reading the articles written by the zen master and then reflecting on the changes in the therapist's approaches over the past 2 years...I do think I have the right to know if the therapist is going to be engaging in some freaked out spiritual crap that I have no interest in bringing into the TR - and then how could she help me find *balance* in my life if she's meditating with a controling freak zen master 14 hours a day??? I realize this is sorta vague, but CB did not pull all of this out of her ass ~ there was a "glowing" review of the zen monk, a picture, a video, and then this way out there article that tied all of the above together.  Anyway, the therapist said CB's 2+2 math did not accurately add up to 4.  So, we'll see....  But there  was major freak out for about 4 days!..CB is still not 100% convinced she is wrong about it - like - there are a lot of "coincidences"...looks like a duck' kinda thing
PART 2  This morning, I get on a call called, "Budget reductions" - kinda knew what that was about going in....and my boss delivers the message that I have to cut 10% in  wre from my 2010 projections.  And, one would think I'd be freakin' right?  Like, I'd be sitting here right now shaking and screaming, "OMG! That's 10% of my WRE budget!  There's no way in hell I can do that and still be successful.  There's no hope! It's a lost cause! I should just quit or kill myself!"  But nope....it's not going to be easey...it's going to be a difficult message to deliver.  'Well, let's all work smarter, harder, and get even better results with less people!  Come on team, we can do it!'  But the thing is, it's a very rare occasion that anything work related raises my blood pressure.  My entire calm, cool, collected demeanor in the office is so the opposite of anything relating to the past, or the therapist.  I am always operating on the professional platform and taking whatever I'm handed and just "dealing with it." 
In my career, I can take a sack full of lemons and make the best lemonade ever!
In the TR, and dealing with the past, CB takes the lemons, uses the knife to cut them, then herself, and adds a bottle of vodka for lemon drop martinis, and dissociation reigns for hours, sometimes days!
Why can't I be the same in ALL situations?????
I don't get it.
I want to be THAT Grace.  I hate the rest of "her"!