Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Food glorious food

I realize I have control issues at times but this isn’t about “control”. This is about the fact that I am literally repulsed by food. The texture, the thought of food, looking at food….all of it. I have had some type of food aversion in one form or another for as long as I can remember. But now it is as extreme as I can remember since college. There was a point in college where I spent several months living on bagels and rocky road ice cream because that’s all I could eat.

I am not eating disordered right now. Do not suggest CBT, DBT, or any type of “cognitive restructuring” now. Do not suggest that eating is “simple” and I should just “make myself eat 3 meals a day.” It doesn’t work! This is not about control, or being thin, or punishing myself in some maladaptive way. This is about the bad shit I am not prepared to talk about that is constantly reeling through my head on a blue ray disc in 3-D, and the asshole ghost of the past who continues to haunt both my mind and my body. And now I can’t eat anything because the smell and the texture and even visual presentation of pretty much all foods is deplorable.

LINK:   Food glorious food

Careful the things you say

I haven’t been able to write for a few days. I tried but every time I would sit down to write – I became fearful of telling the truth. And pretending and posting some Sally Sunshine bullshit is just not an option for me here, so I just didn’t write at all.

Last week was a bad week. It started on a Sunday night and as the week wore on – my body hurt worse and worse, the nights grew more and more impossible – and there was nothing in my bag of ‘cope’ that was helping. I begged and pleaded and cried until I finally gave up and just crawled into a hole somewhere so deep inside of me, I was lost even to myself.

LINK:  Careful the things you say 

Monday, July 26, 2010

I need hope

I have been disengaged…from my family, my friends, from you, from myself. You have tried to be here for me. My friends IRL have tried to be here for me. At times, they have physically wrapped my body with theirs as a shield of protection from the outside world. But when the war is raging from the inside, their barriers between my body and the outside world offers little protection.

LINK:  I need hope

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I've run out of *cope*

I can’t make it stop. I’ve tried. I can’t make it stop. I can’t make him stop. My screams echo inside my mind. The physical horror of his hands on my body, his needs, his power. The mental terror. There is no protection in this world of pain. He pulls my hair. He rips away my nightgown. He touches me with his cold hands. I close my eyes in shame. His face is filled with pleasure while mine is filled with pain. I silently beg him to stop as he rips me in two. My body is burning My body is on fire.

LINK:  I've run out of *cope*

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Pop Goes the Weasel

Did you ever have one of those Jack in the Box toys as a kid where you would wind it up and it would play “Pop Goes the Weasel” faster and faster until a clown popped out and scared the shit out of you? Me either…but I did play with one somewhere. Maybe it was church.

That’s how last night and today have felt for me. I can hear the music playing in the background, “All around the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel…the monkey thought it was such fun – POP goes the weasel….” And it plays over and over and over again, non-stop. And my heart beats faster and faster as the music gets faster and that damn clown keeps popping out and scaring the shit out of me!

LINK:  Pop Goes the Weasel

Are you afraid I might fall?

Therapist is leaving for vacation: Rock Climbing So today in session I told her not to fall from a cliff and she said, “Are you worried I might fall off a cliff and not come back?” Typical therapist response, eh? I said, “No, I’m not. You’re a big girl and I think you can take care of yourself.” But what I was thinking was, “No, I’m more worried that I am going to fall off a cliff to my death while you’re gone.” Which, if that does happen, I suppose I could call the “back-up” shrink she provided to me today- on a very aesthetically pleasing business card. Nice prep work since she’s never had a back up before during her vacations. Of course I have no idea who this chick is or what her office hours are – or “crisis” management protocol….just her name on her business card. Not that I would call her anyway.

LINK:  Are you afraid I might fall?

By my fingernails

I have been in pain today. I have tried to stay busy, intermittently doing some of the “adult” things I need to do…although not super successful because as of 10:30pm tonight -there are still piles of laundry all over the place. I put some clothes in the washer and then suddenly I feel like a small child…consumed with unbearable pain. I still don’t really understand how the emotional pain becomes somatic.

LINK:  By my fingernails

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Earlier this week I was having a hard time coping. All I could focus on was taking one breath and then another and then another…focusing on that until the sun would rise again. But tonight I feel warmth in my heart. I just can’t express to you how much encouragement your words provide me. I am amazed by your words…I am amazed by you.

LINK:  It's Friday, I'm in love...

How ’bout a caring Shrink

This morning I had a voicemail from the therapist letting me know she did get my email, and that she does understands that I might be feeling overwhelmed from everything and that she also understood my feelings of shame and embarrassment because of my history. She offered to meet today (Friday) since she knew I was feeling afraid and overwhelmed in the middle of all of this and…because it’s Friday! (I hate Fridays!). I so appreciated her voicemail this morning, and the fact that she took the time to leave me a voicemail to let me know she got my email, and offering to meet today. But I’m still afraid to talk to her about this, face to face. Despite her voicemail, letting me know that she did hear me, and she does care, the shame meter is still pointing to *full*, and I’m not sure I can talk about the content of the email now.

LINK  How 'bout a caring Shrink  

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear Guardian Angels

Tonight I want to express my gratitude but my words seem to fail me. The support I receive is part of the reason why I fight so hard. You send me strength when I have none. Even far away, you are still right here, listening to me, encouraging me, holding me, loving me, sending me hope. Shared history explains the how, but love explains the why. You, my guardian angels, carry me through, reminding me that my life is worth fighting for, that I am worth fighting for, I deserve to be here. That Grace can be saved.

LINK:  Dear Guardian Angels

The sigh that captured me

There is so much to say – emotions flow through me, coursing through my veins, reminding me of past hurt, of someone I do not want to be. Pain, hurt, anger, sadness…cycle through me ~ each coming around again and again.
I allowed myself to try on all of these emotions and feelings this afternoon – and I did it without self-destructing. I don’t want to find myself at the end unable to communicate, leaving so much unsaid. I don’t want to feel hideously ugly inside and out. I can’t do everything right now, but I can do something.

LINK:  The sigh that captured me

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What to expect when you're not expecting

I saw the therapist Friday afternoon and she said to me, “You will probably spend a lot of time this weekend crying…are you okay with that?” She was right, there were moments I would burst into tears that came out of nowhere. And each time I would start to cry I would think about what the therapist told me on Friday and I would let myself be sad and cry and be “okay” with that.

LINK:  What to expect when you're not expecting 

Friday, July 9, 2010

How did you get through it?

I have prayed…many many times in the past few weeks/months. I have lifted my tear stained face to the sky and I have prayed. I have felt so much pain that it was nearly unbearable.

LINK:  How did you get through it?

Right here ~ Right now

I had hoped for a different outcome at today’s appointment. But it was not to be. I cried all the way home from her office. I’m so tired and weak…I was sort of scared to go to sleep again last night. I’ve lost 5 pounds since last week. I need to eat, and I need to eat healthy. My iron is low (big surprise) but most of the iron filled foods gross me out.

But I hang on because I know I’m not alone. I know I have people who care about me. People who listen, care, and give a damn about me; not the fake me, but the REAL me. Accept me and love me despite all of my flaws. You believe in me and send me love every day.

One moment at a time… I can keep trying. I can keep hoping. I will do this. I can do this. I am doing this.

Thank you for believing in me.

LINK:  Right here ~ Right now


Collapsing into myself… My body feels too heavy and so very empty at the same time. Pulled down by the weight of not wanting to go on – I have found myself slipping, once again trying on the thoughts of…’I want out’. I feel terrible. Physically I am bone weary tired, bleeding and empty, filled with pain. I wander around, lost and confused…unable to grasp onto any reality.

LINK:  Tangled

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Broken thoughts from the black hole

I feel very overwhelmed…like unable to think about what I need to do – overwhelmed. I guess it’s a good thing breathing is involuntary

My favorite pajama pants are all bloody and I think I’m going to throw them away.

I want someone to hold me but I don’t want to be touched

LINK:  Broken thoughts from the black hole

There is not much else to do but wait

Tonight my desperate body is trying hard to release the pain inside. The pain that tries to push its way out of me. Crying no longer helps. And I am unable to talk.

I force myself to continue to experience this because there is no other way out.
Pain flows through me and I shiver as I allow it to pull me beneath the surface. It disappears and I float back to the surface and drift until another wave drags me under again.

LINK:  There is not much else to do but wait

Sometimes these things happen…

Sometimes these things happen. Sometimes good things happen. Sometimes bad things happen.

But things just happen. These are reassuring words to comfort someone when something (good or bad) happens and you aren’t sure what to say… I have heard these words a lot the past few days – when both good and bad things have happened.


LINK:  Sometimes these things happen

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Not everything is about *The big TR*

I am too sick to come to session, even though she certainly “recommends” that I come. I think it unwise to drive across town to a session that will perhaps leave me even more distraught than I already am; as I sit here now, bleeding insanely and doubled over in pain.

LINK:  Not everything is about *The Big TR*

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Why are you such a disappointment, Grace?

I have been hanging on by a thread for a couple of months now. I feel so emotionally fragile that I feel like a strong wind could blow me away. I don’t expect anyone to understand. I used to…but I really don’t anymore. Because of the uncontrollable rage and terror and hopelessness, I have engaged in self-destructive behavior (nothing illegal) and written detailed suicide plans. I have cut myself, drank too much, taken too many pills. I have screamed and cried and banged my head against the wall and the floor. I have begged God to let me die and begged him to help me live.

LINK:  Why are you such a disappointment, Grace?

What would YOU like to say?

about the Tuesday fiasco *event* (Had I known u were coming Id have baked a cake )

THERAPIST would like to say: I imagine that you are still trying to sort out the many painful and confusing feelings related to the events on Tues. From what you shared briefly on the phone on Tues, the memories of childhood that were elicited has to be terribly painful for you.
5 YEAR OLD would like to say: why did you do that, Therapist? It scared me very much and I’m still crying and scared. I feel sick too.
LOGICAL GRACE would like to say: Yes, the memories that your actions elicited were, and are still, quite painful. I’m sure you realize that your actions have put more than a minor dent in my trust for you.
PAG would like to say:  Here’s the thing: I dont think I can EVER trust you AGAIN! I don’t really understand how my *requesting meds* from you on a day you have office hours turns into your calling the cops to come check in on me and my “well being” !!!!

LINK:  What would YOU like to say?

Had I known u were coming Id have baked a cake

I feel put off by unexpected guests. I really prefer someone to CALL first before coming over. That way I can ensure I am prepared for a visit. That I look presentable, the house looks presentable, and I have prepared tea and cookies. Unfortunately, I was caught off guard this morning, and I had none of the above in place!

I also prefer a PHONE CALL before someone should send someone else to my house. For example, should someone like to arrange a play date with the 8 year old, I’d prefer some advance notice, and not just a parent dropping off a child at my house. Likewise, should my shrink decide I’m *unsafe* – I’d prefer she CALL ME and TALK TO ME DIRECTLY! Prior to sending the authorities to my house!
Gosh, imagine my embarrassment at being unprepared when they showed up THIS MORNING!

LINK:  Had I known you were coming I'd have baked a cake

Hopelessness meets despair *on the couch*

Sometimes life seems like it’s too much. Everything seems to go wrong at once. This is one of those times. A couple of weeks ago the therapist thought it would be a good idea to dig into some of my *present* day experiences and it has lead to an onslaught of self-destructive behavior and major sui thoughts and I am not coping – at the f**k all. I am overwhelmed with anxiety and chronic sui thoughts and the panic I feel inside of my body and mind have left me unable to sleep, or eat, sometimes even to breathe. I am screaming…but there is no sound. There are parts inside of me screaming and fighting and choking the life out of me and still I cannot speak. I am filled with agony, disgust and self hatred and I don’t know what to do with all of this because I can’t deny it – it rages in me, and I resent it and I try to push it away, but it is still here. The agony of it all makes me fold in half; desperate to become so small I might trick it into believing I am no longer here. There is no end to it – there’s not enough sand in the world to stop this flooding!

LINK:  Hopelessness meets despair *on the couch*

And then there was *WE*

I am not sure at what point in the big TR “Therapist” and “Grace”, “I” and “You” merged into a “WE”. I try to reflect back and I can’t pinpoint when she and I became “we”. I shall clarify, although it will still sound like some crazybrain irrational ranting, I’m sure. The thoughts inside my head about this are not really flowing together in any sort of fluid movement…they are broken up; they feel sharp and cold against my skin, bitter and acidic on my tongue. I have noticed however, it is randomly “we” – not a consistent “we”. And I’m not exactly sure what determines which situation is a “we” vs. a “you”.

link:   And then there was *WE*