Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Food glorious food

I realize I have control issues at times but this isn’t about “control”. This is about the fact that I am literally repulsed by food. The texture, the thought of food, looking at food….all of it. I have had some type of food aversion in one form or another for as long as I can remember. But now it is as extreme as I can remember since college. There was a point in college where I spent several months living on bagels and rocky road ice cream because that’s all I could eat.

I am not eating disordered right now. Do not suggest CBT, DBT, or any type of “cognitive restructuring” now. Do not suggest that eating is “simple” and I should just “make myself eat 3 meals a day.” It doesn’t work! This is not about control, or being thin, or punishing myself in some maladaptive way. This is about the bad shit I am not prepared to talk about that is constantly reeling through my head on a blue ray disc in 3-D, and the asshole ghost of the past who continues to haunt both my mind and my body. And now I can’t eat anything because the smell and the texture and even visual presentation of pretty much all foods is deplorable.

LINK:   Food glorious food