Friday, January 29, 2010

"After the first death there is no other." ~ Dylan Thomas

I have been screaming inside…and yet no one can hear me. 
I needed her to see the message I was trying to communicate. I needed her to understand what I was saying. For many years now…I’ve been screaming inside, yet my screams remain unacknowledged, unheard, by the outside world.

I’ve been waiting for a light to go on…like she’s finally going to understand this terribly important thing that I’m struggling with and she’ll help me understand too, and she’ll explain it to me. But instead, she offers some ‘mindfullness’ thoughts and says, “Keep doing the best you can, Grace. Just as you have been doing. You’re making progress, Grace. “ Meditate harder, Grace
Pray harder, Grace
Find your spirit connection, Grace
Try harder Grace.
You can do it Grace
I tried…I did. I have no spirit guide. No ‘inner wisdom’.
There is no one left to talk too…no one to trust.

Clearly I am of no importance at all. I am less than a client. I am not even a person.  I am scared I am not going to get through this…and yet, at the same time, I don’t care if I do, and a part of me actually hopes that I won’t.

I died over 30 years ago. Yet I am still here until I learn to mourn my death. As the great poet Dylan Thomas said, “After the first death there is no other.”

A refusal to mourn the Death, by Fire, of a child in London
Never until the mankind making
Bird beast and flower
Fathering and all humbling darkness
Tells with silence the last light breaking
And the still hour
Is come of the sea tumbling in harness
And I must enter again the round
Zion of the water bead
And the synagogue of the ear of corn
Shall I let pray the shadow of a sound
Or sow my salt seed
In the least valley of sackcloth to mourn
The majesty and burning of the child's death.
I shall not murder
The mankind of her going with a grave truth
Nor blaspheme down the stations of the breath
With any further
Elegy of innocence and youth.
Deep with the first dead lies London's daughter,
Robed in the long friends,
The grains beyond age, the dark veins of her mother,
Secret by the unmourning water
Of the riding Thames.
After the first death, there is no other.
~ Dylan Thomas


  1. I often feel like I am screaming inside and no one sees my pain. How does a person find comfort when there's nowhere you can really go?

  2. The poem is so emotional and meaningful. I'm sorry that you cannot reach that part of you who will let out all the issues and allow you to stop screaming inside and find a way to comfort those who need it. ((hugs))

  3. I hope the light does go on for her, and the answers will be coming soon. I don't think anyone is trying any harder than you, I don't think you can work any harder than you do. I couldn't read the poem right now, I'm sorry. Not in a good place, but maybe soon.

  4. Laura, I wish I knew the answer to your question.

    Ivory, Dylan Thomas is one of my fav poets..kinda dark, but sometimes he can express what I'm "feeling" when I am unable to find the words. I'm still trying. TY for the hugs ~ sending some back your way today...

  5. ((HARRIET)) I think we are all trying just always feels like one step up and 3 steps back. MAJOR crazy brain freak out last night. I hope you find a better place soon...I hope we all do....

  6. They don't hear because we don't know what we want them to hear, we scream because words aren't enough and words are too much for us and them