When she overwhelms me and I don’t know what to do with her I want someone to help me take care of her. She isn’t like a colicky baby. I cannot just walk away from her until I have the patience to deal with her because she is inside of my head and try as I might, I have not been successful in getting her out. I no longer try to cut her out of me - that never worked, so why add additional scars that are visible from the outside. I now just try to keep the scars on the inside.
Last week was a difficult *feeling* week...overwhelmed by the anxiety and fear, the feelings of helplessness which lead to anger, which ALWAYS lead to something destructive (even if that something no longer involves a razor). So I spent some time today thinking about how to identify what happens right before Ms. Destructo~ Crazybrain feels abandoned and goes to great lengths to prove to the 5 year old that she is unwanted and unloved and only good for one thing. Crazybrain won on Thursday ~ she wouldn't let the therapist help her, but just wanted to fight and *prove* to the therapist that she is bad...which I know I need to talk to the therapist about - but I don't know if I can without CB freakin' out. Friday was not great but I was able to "live" through it, thanks to my friend Lynn I reached out, she took my hand and helped me come up with a workable plan to do what I wanted, and needed, to do. And Saturday night I even succeeded in telling the hus *no* and not giving in to something I know would have upset the 5 year old terribly - which made today much more tolerable than Thursday and Friday night.