Sunday, January 17, 2010

Feelings ~ Woe-oh-oh ~ Feelings...

Nothing more than feelings....(I hate that song!).  Holy smokes! I am so sick of feelings! I am so drained from all the *feelings* she feels, which, in turn, makes me feel too much...and unable to juggle them all.  I am *feeling(d)* out! Today I feel tired and drained.  I suppose drained is acceptable - compared to the anxiety-ridden frazzled crazybrain I’ve been for a few weeks now. I detest that she overwhelms me and I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t want to feel what she feels because it hurts too much. She feels too much – and even though the therapist says, “Grace, they’re just feelings. Let her feel. Grace, they’re just tears, let her cry.” Can’t she see that she feels too much?
When she overwhelms me and I don’t know what to do with her I want someone to help me take care of her. She isn’t like a colicky baby.  I cannot just walk away from her until I have the patience to deal with her because she is inside of my head and try as I might, I have not been successful in getting her out.  I no longer try to cut her out of me - that never worked, so why add additional scars that are visible from the outside.  I now just try to keep the scars on the inside.
Last week was a difficult *feeling* week...overwhelmed by the anxiety and fear, the feelings of helplessness which lead to anger, which ALWAYS lead to something destructive (even if that something no longer involves a razor).  So I spent some time today thinking about how to identify what happens right before Ms. Destructo~ Crazybrain feels abandoned and goes to great lengths to prove to the 5 year old that she is unwanted and unloved and only good for one thing.  Crazybrain won on Thursday ~ she wouldn't let the therapist help her, but just wanted to fight and *prove* to the therapist that she is bad...which I know I need to talk to the therapist about - but I don't know if I can without CB freakin' out.  Friday was not great but I was able to "live" through it, thanks to my friend Lynn I reached out, she took my hand and helped me come up with a workable plan to do what I wanted, and needed, to do.  And Saturday night I even succeeded in telling the hus *no* and not giving in to something I know would have upset the 5 year old terribly - which made today much more tolerable than Thursday and Friday night. 
So, Grace, how has the weekend made you "Feel"?...cheese~n~rice! 


  1. AND you said 'no' on Saturday? You are so freakin' awesome! I like it when you get to have what you want and need. And you made it happen. You rock, Grace. (And isn't 'no' a fabulous word? It ranks right up there with 'fuck' in my book. They even go together, as in 'fuck no'. They are so cool.)

  2. I'm glad you no longer try to cut her out.
    I also found that didn't work.
    I want to scream at you to love the "feelings" even though I know how intensely painful they can be. right now I feel dead, empty, hopelessness, and feeling anything would be better.

  3. I hate that song too. Yay for saying no! I love to say no, I should do it more often.