Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I cannot figure out how to unplug the *Emotional Pin-Ball* Game. And I am finished playing for now!

There are nights when I am absolutely afraid to move. Anxiety and fear ~ my current nemesis. Like, one night, when I was on the phone with the therapist and she was telling me to get up and do something, I could not do it. And it was not because I was trying (in that very moment) to be argumentative and defiant, it was literally because my body was frozen and I could not move. And she seemed frustrated, which I understand, as she was trying to help me, and it’s not like she could grab my arm and physically move me (not that she would do that in her office either, but I suspect it’s a little bit easier for her to deal with me in that situation when we are in the same room). It’s so difficult for me to communicate at that point.

Right now I am in this space where I really wonder how I can continue to live up to the person everyone thinks that I am. Who is this person that everyone has created in their minds with my name attached to it? Yesterday I took a phone call from my boss in the middle of therapy. Even though she didn’t say anything, I’m sure the therapist was thinking, “Gawd ~ can’t she even stick up for herself during this hour?” Dang! Grace cannot set limits with her boss, her husband, or anyone else for that matter…

And I have to say that I am not really in the position right now to be all warrior-like and face all of it head-on. It is really one of those days when I want to curl up in a fetal position with a heating pad and pull the covers over my head. Even though the therapist would say that isn’t a good idea for me to hide myself away from all human contact…I still want too. I don’t have any desires to hurt myself; I’m just tired and I don’t want to be all happy and sunshiny for other people right now.

My body hurts today. I told the therapist I think I have a brain tumor and she was all like, “Well, then you should go get an MRI.” What else is she supposed to say; she is a PhD, not a medical doctor. And of course my head is hurting now and I’m constantly dizzy so that’s probably the brain tumor too. But what about all the other gross body issues?

WAH! I’m sure it’s all “emotional” overload, right? I feel like a pin-ball machine…hit the emotional ball and see where it bounces around and what part of my body it hits! Headache/dizziness: 100 points. Hip pain: 50 points. Nausea/vomiting: 150 points. Insomnia: 200 points.  Cramps/bleeding: 300 points. Uncontrollable shaking or inability to move at all: 1000 bonus points.

*SIGH*  I cannot figure out how to unplug the Emotional Pin-Ball Game....


  1. I don't think there is anything wrong with hiding from human contact if that is what you need. I do it. Well, I'm somewhat dysfunctional too, so maybe I'm a bad example. But what's wrong with avoiding stressful things so that you can work on other stressful things? There is only so much one body can take.

  2. I'm hearing ya .. and living the same thing. You're not alone.

  3. I feel your will get through this.

  4. Hey Harriet ~ I'm trying to come out of hiding for now. Trying to not be so fearful and anxious. I totally agree with you - only so much one can take.

    Laura, I know you are...I have been thinking of you. Last week was a terribly stressful week for you. I hope you've been able to get some rest.

    Thanks for the vote of confidence, Exhale. And thanks for commenting on the art too...