Saturday, January 2, 2010

I was dizzy and sick. I was scared and bleeding all over the place and the therapist forgot it was Friday

All day long Friday I wanted to hurt myself, and I would have, but I couldn’t figure out a way to stay aware of myself, or my surroundings, long enough to find a razor. I felt confused, and tired, and frustrated, and discouraged...I felt suicidal...an overwhelming desire for it all to just stop. And yet still holding tightly onto knowing that it was Friday and the therapist emails me on Fridays so if I could just get through all of it, I would at least have her “words”, which are a connection of sorts for me on Friday nights, and typically helpful. She had communicated to me on Tues that she wasn’t working so I knew the 5 year old would have to deal without calling her so hopefully the email would help.

But, even still, adult, rational Grace made only brief appearances throughout the day, making it difficult to be aware of anything that was playing out in the “present moment”. I spent the day in a fog, doing things but not remembering I did them, saying things I did not know I said.  Strange thoughts like push-pins, pierced painfully through my skull, using my brain as a pin cushion, reminding me of things I want to forget. There was no safe place. Frankly, there never is, there never has been, there’s no “base” no “comfort zone” ~ that’s truly a therapeutic mind-fuck.

I don’t know how the time was spent between the time CB left the therapist a voicemail asking about her cats and the time the therapist called back and left CB a vm stating it was a strange question, and her cats were fine and someone looks after them when she can’t be there, and that CB sounded upset and could call her if there is something she can help with. But the kitties don’t want someone else to look in on them. They want the therapist because she is their mother, and how does she know they are safe if she isn’t with them. What if they need her? They cannot pick up the phone and call her! Why did she act so nonchalant about it? All of these thoughts are racing through CB’s head. According to the phone record, the therapist called back at 6:58pm.

I did not feel well and I had been spotting off and on since Monday’s appointment, it started right when I got home after therapy, and I had brushed off as just a minor annoyance because sometimes weird physical things happen when I talk about that *stuff*. But by Friday night it felt like I was hemorrhaging - like all the uterine lining from the past year of menstrual activity hadn't actually shed itself in a timely fashion and thought it should perhaps do so in that moment...all in one night! Terrible cramps and the blood made me dizzy...and scared.

And the therapist didn’t email me. I’m dizzy and sick and scared and bleeding all over the place and the therapist forgot it was Friday.

7 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Grace. I wish I could do more than post a comment. You should probably call a Dr. if you are bleeding that much. I hope and pray you are okay. Many hugs for safety.

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  2. Grace, I'm so sorry. I hope she emails you, and I hope her kitties are safe too. Please go to the doctor if the bleeding continues that much.

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  3. (((Grace))) I don't know if any words online can be of comfort but please know I am thinking of you. Reach out to someone if you are feeling suicidal - someone in person or close to you who can offer you help. I know this is difficult. Try a nice long hot shower too...I feel those help me relax. Keep us posted on how things are going!

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  4. Lynn, thanks for the hugs and your kind email. You mean the world to me....

    Ivory & Harriet, Thanks for the hugs and warm thoughts...I know what it is, so I'll be okay. The therapist did email.

    SIK, Thank you for yoru thoughts. I have been doing the hot bath thing. I also try to wrap up in a blanket -strangely - it sometimes helps with the shaking and fear.

    JBR, thansk for the hugs....

    ~ Grace

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  5. I'm glad you're doing better physically. Sorry to hear you're in a shaky place emotionally. I wish there was something I could do to help.

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