Monday, January 11, 2010

Maybe you fight me because you are afraid if you don’t, you will lose me

It makes me tired sometimes, the constant fighting inside my head, the constant aruging, yelling, fear, discord.  It's tiring.  And PAG fights the therapist like the female version of Rocky.  Today, as I was leaving the therapist's office, she said, "Maybe you fight me because you are afraid that if you don't you will lose me."  When I asked her what she meant, she said she didn't know, that it was just something that popped into her head right that very minute.  Popped right into her she could have had a V-8!  What?  I'm not really sure if she just wanted me to take the statement and try it on, or if she really just said the first thing that popped in her head.  
"Maybe you fight me because you are afraid that if you don't, you will lose me"
After I left her office, I stopped to get a diet coke, and I thought about what she said.
When I got back to my office, I walked into my office and took off my coat, and I thought about what she said.  I logged on to my computer, and pulled up a report I needed to prepare for an afternoon meeting, and I thought about what she said.
"Maybe you fight me because you are afraid that if you don't you will lose me."
Early this evening, I was talking to my friend L and I thought about what the therapist said.  I decided to ask L what she thought it meant, and L said, "I think she means that you look for things to argue with her about to try to push her and test her; but deep down you know she won't leave you. However, you continue to battle with her so there is a state of constant conflict in your relationship so you don't have to deal with the real issues, the real problems that you need her help with. "  Maybe she's right...

Since L has been so insightful and has had her own "therapist" hat on, I decided to ask for her help with another crazybrain issue that's been dormant for awhile, but has again reared it's ugly head.  Something that I haven't asked for the therapists help on because I know that it won't matter what she says, PAG will just be pissed about it.  This issue surfaced nearly 2 years ago, and reappears at times, but not nearly as strong as it was in the past.  It's so irrational and embarrassing, and logically it makes no sense - I KNOW that!  But yet, here it is, as irrational and embarrassing as walking out of the ladies room with your skirt tucked into your panties and not noticing (not that that's ever happened to me - but it would be really embarrassing - this is that kind of embarrassing).... The 5 year old is scared again that the therapist will leave her when she gets married.  And the 5 year old is once again jealous of the therapists' BF.  OMG!  TOTALLY irrational, Grace - you are so crazy!  It is so NOYB and so not fair to the therapist.  Yah, I know that...but the 5 year old is still sad sometimes.  And if I were to bring it up with the therapist, I'm afraid she would say something like, "Grace, my life - NOYB."  Which would totally freak out the 5 year old and piss off PAG.  And adult rational Grace "gets" that it isn't about the therapist and her BF - it's really about the host body leaving me for men.  And I hope someday the 5 year old will understand that too - but she doesn't right now.  And I don't know how to get her from point A to point B.

L said she totally gets it.  She said that she still gets jealous of the time her mom spends with her sister and she's 37 years old, not 5.  She said that in a kid's mind it doesn't matter - feelings are feelings - and it's not a horrible thing.  She didn't think it was nearly as embarrassing as the wardrobe malfunction described above.  I, however, still do. 

L tried to reassure me that we all have our shit.  We all have things we are embarrassed about, and she said that I have to be honest and patient with the therapist and she has helped me, and she will continue to help me, if I let her.  L told me that I have to someday find a way to accept that my childhood was less than ideal and it wasn't my fault.  And that the things I have done as an adult, willingly, and/or unwillingly, that may feel shameful and wrong to me, I'll have to accept that too...but it will probably take a long time because I have never let anyone know me before, I've never let anyone "in"side my head to really know me...except the therapist.  Not even the hus.  She said that hopefully someday I will learn to trust other people too, and know who I should trust.  I hope she's right.

Before I left, L told me to text her if I felt alone, scared, just needed to talk...and went on to say,  "As long as I'm not having sex with the married man I've been telling no for 6 months, but he still comes by and I do it even though I don't want too...I'll text you back."....I fell out of the chair onto the floor in hysterical laughter!  See...we all have our shit. 

Maybe you fight me because you are afraid if you don't that you will lose me
What does that MEAN?


  1. I don't know what it means. I have walked out of a bathroom with the back of my skirt tucked into my underpants, though. Yes, it was embarrassing. Just thought I'd throw that out there since I have nothing useful to add.

  2. I'm with your friend L on this one. She sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders and I agree with heatherbelle, hang on to her,she sounds like a really good friend to have!

  3. Maybe she means that if she does leave you it's because you pushed her away, not that she abandoned you, because that is your fear? I'm glad you have L.

  4. Heatherbelle, Yeah...I have so many good friends, truly.

    Lynn, speaking of good friends. ANYTHING you say is "useful" to me. I promise. YOU are always here for me, even if you don't say anything at all.

    Zan, L does like to speak her mind :-) ~ I have no intention in letting her go...

    Harriet, Maybe...the question of the week, I guess...maybe she just threw it out there to keep my mind occupied, in an effort to keep rational Grace present and not let the psychos appear :-) I'm glad I have L too...and you guys...

  5. Oh lord, I am re-living when my T got married last year reading your post. On one hand, I was honored he told me and on the other hand, I lost it.

    I realize now I went into child mode. Right before he left, I picked a fight, luckily he's smarter than me and saw it for what it was.

    I was laying on his couch crying but it ended up being okay. He came back. The news triggered jealousy, sadness, but also happiness for him.

    I was fine when he returned and wanted to hear all about it. I think you could share this with your T. Try it.