Sunday, January 10, 2010

How low can you go....anyone for the Limbo?

Many years ago I won a weekend trip to Vegas by doing the Limbo…how low can you go….how low can you go…these past couple of weeks I feel like I’m playing the Limbo again. Just when I think I’ve hit the lowest point I can possibly hit, I get “challenged” to go even lower….and lower I go.

I am on the cutting edge tonight. I feel it. Earlier, DD wanted me to cut something out for an art project she was working on, and as I held the scissors in my hand, I could feel it…the overwhelming urge to cut. I finally told her to go see her father, and have him cut the paper for her. He didn’t, and she came back to me. I cut the paper for her, and the scissors are right here, still beside me. She never put them away. Looking for a sign? This is it.

When this all bubbles up I can no longer just shove it all back down again, not like I used to. It just lingers in the back of my throat, in the pit of my stomach, and threatens me with nausea and the taste of vomit when I least expect it. I want the therpaist to help me but PAG pushes her away and is so mean to her.  But I need her help but don't deserve it.  I want to scream! I want to just get what I deserve! Just do it already! I want to disappear from it all. I hate it! I want to destroy the parts of myself that make me “her”. I’m so tired of feeling overwhelmed and alone in this. I don’t want to remember. I want it to go away, and yet still, it lingers. It feels like a pair of razor sharp scissors slowly piercing my skin from my elbow right down to my wrist. It leaves me bleeding, an open wound, scars on my soul. I know exactly how it feels, I can imagine it right now, the sensation of the scissors piercing my skin and it thrills me and repulses me at the same time. Why won’t someone take it away? Even just for a day. 

Why doesn’t it go away? Why can’t I trust? Why can’t I get through this?
I am lost and afraid.
If I reach out, she could hurt us, if I don’t, I could die.
Reached out.  Bad Idea.  She was mad at me for bothering her.
I could tell.
I don't want to play anymore.


  1. PAG is trying to help you, she doesn't want you to get hurt. But Grace needs to take risks in order to get help, and somehow PAG needs to be convinced of that. PAG wants you to believe that you don't deserve help, because if you believe that then you won't reach out for help and if you don't reach out for help then you won't get hurt. PAG is scared.

  2. yah...I think you're right. How do make her "unscared"? :-(

  3. That's a good question. I don't know if you can make her unscared, or if your therapist can. Can you talk to PAG or write her a letter? You are great at expressing yourself in writing. Tell her you know she is angry and scared, but she is really angry at your abuser and that is where the anger can be directed, rather than at the therapist who is trying to help. I can be way off base here, and I don't want to minimize what you are feeling and what she is feeling.

  4. I hate to bring this up, I really, really do, but -- did PAG make any strong appearances against the therapist before the DBT disaster?

  5. Harriet, Yeah, I really have tried that. I don't think you are off base at all..the problem comes in trying to reason when she is way crazybrained out! Like even if you said the sun rises in the east she would totally disagree with you. What's that word again: Patience? And the explanation of that would be...I have absolutely not idea!

    Hey Lynn, there was acting out, yes. I think "all" of Grace trusted her more than we do now. More blatant SI then, but more hesitation and anger now. Does that make any sense?