Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I can see the shadow of the freak-out monster in my peripheral vision

Tuesday in session I talked a little more about the Friday night creepshows of the past and present. And even as I spoke, it wasn’t me saying the words. I heard the words come out of my mouth.  I could hear the words, I could see the therapist sitting across from me, but it didn’t even feel like ME ~ it wasn’t like I was consciously speaking the words, but yet they were pouring out of me in a steady tone of voice.  A voice I was not able to stop. Was that my voice? I did not speak those words.

After the words were spoken, I told the therapist that I hoped to not freak out later. But I can see the freak-out shadow in my peripheral vision; it frightens me and now I can move only my eyes but not the rest of my head, or my body. I want to be disconnected from my body tonight and yet try as I might; I still feel the churning in my stomach, the pounding ache on the left side of my head. I feel the burning in my eyes and the tightness in my chest. It is difficult to keep my eyes open and impossible to take a deep breath.

She has cried non-stop since last night. Even in bed, huddled in the corner, far away from the door and wrapped tightly in her blue blanket and surrounded by pillows, she shook and cried. And still tonight she cries in fear and pain. She cries about sticky humiliating smelly messes. She cries about mirrors and blood. She cries and she cannot be soothed.

Why does she remember? Why does she remind me all of the time? Why does she ruin everything? Why can’t she just go away? Why does it still hurt so bad? It shouldn’t hurt now. It does but it shouldn’t.  And she continues to cry...

I hear her crying, I see her crying ~ but I don't know how to stop her cries.  I don't know how to make her pain go away.  All I can do is watch her and hear her.


  1. Hold her. Love her.
    It's all you can do.

  2. I agree with Shen, her tears will bring healing...she is not the enemy, she didn't do this to you they did, her memories will unlock the chains that keep you bond in this area...sending you warm thoughts and healing prayers.

  3. There isn't much I can add to the words spoken by Shen and Exhale.
    Hug her, love her, hold her, comfort her.
    and be safe.


  4. Oh Grace. If I could take your pain for an hour I would. I do have a spellbook and some pariffin wax and can make you a vd doll. Peace girl and big hug.

  5. I know I'm new here but I understand where you are coming from...

    Gather her up in your arms. Clean her up. Love her. Love yourself.

    I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with.

  6. Zan, Shen and Exale said what I want...don't be afraid to just hold her...I beat her up...I pushed her away...I cut into my body, scaring it b/c I hated her and I hated me. I learned it wasn't her fault. I learned her anger was justified...I never cried but know...her tears are justified. Stay strong ok. Sarah

  7. Shen, Zan, Exhale, Shattered ~ thanks -I try, I don't know how to always do that. I have a hard time not wanting to hurt her because she makes me feel so much pain.

    Thanks Harriet....

    Stephanye, I've thought about getting a vd doll of the host body...I wonder if it would work.

    Sarah, Me too...I know it only makes it worse to be mean to her and punish her (as though she hasn't been punished enough). But dang! I told the therapist it's so much worse than a colicky baby - at least in that situation, you can walk away from the relentless crying and collect yourself. SHE is inside of me - I can't walk away! That's the hard part....