Thursday, January 21, 2010

I cannot find a way out tonight

I will take responsibility for all of it. It is not her fault. I blame me and I punish myself for being bad. I was bad. She loved J & G so I must have been the bad child. I’m not coping well. I feel trapped, caged, with nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide, I cannot find a way out. I run away from them, but I can’t escape them.

I am heartless, cruel, a seductress. I am bad. I betrayed them by telling. I shouldn’t have told. I have poisoned them and myself, hurt those who hurt me. I am responsible. I should have continued to deny. I should have continued to let it poison me...but unknown, unseen, it would cause harm to no one else. No one but me. There was no one to protect me then, but I never protected myself.

Why did I speak? It did not change anything. The reality is it still happened. He still hurt me, she still hates me. Nothing will change that. But I will not longer ask for help because the rejection hurts worse than what they did to her. Maybe it is true that I do not deserve help. I should only suffer silently, secretly, alone. I should not have reached out. Reaching out and finding nothing is worse than not reaching out at all.

I reached out for help, “within the parameters that were set forth” by the therapist, and to no avail. Why? Because I am a pathetic, inconsequential, wounded failure. I want to hurt myself. I want to make myself suffer and bleed. I want too. I tried the other route. I hasn’t worked. Now I just want to bleed and hurt. I wanted help. But there is none. I have a really bad feeling about tonight...bad...


  1. Dear Grace,
    I hope for you to find GRACE for yourself. Sending you tenderness.

  2. Big Grace needs to see that none of this was her fault and that she is not bad. They were bad, really really bad, bad people and bad parents. A five year old does what she is told to do - that is called being good. You were good, they were bad. Parents are responsible for keeping their children safe. They were bad. They didn't keep you safe. And they didn't do it because there was anything wrong with you, you were just a child. They did it because there is something very wrong with them.

  3. I believed in and trusted in lies for so pulled me to cut myself until I had scars on the outside and on the inside. It took a long time for me to believe I wasn't bad. Praying....hoping one will know you too were never bad or wrong or a failure. In your corner...always. Sarah