Sunday, January 3, 2010

Grace, you come with a lotta *baggage* ~ but no safety, trust, or directions!

I carry about 3 different bags with me at all times (see for yourself). I have a lot of baggage…and I have searched through every single bag I carry with me and taken inventory and there’s a lot of stuff. Believe me. And this is just stuff I carry with me in my *present moment*. But what seems to be missing from my baggage are directions and flow charts to explain what to do when I lose my way and things go array. 

TRUST: Trust is also missing from my baggage.  The Therapist is ‘teaching’ me to ‘trust’. Grace, I’m asking you to trust what I say…Grace, Trust yourself…Grace, Trust the process…Grace, Trust me on this…” But what she forgets, when she says these things to me, is that I don’t know how to trust – my trust was shattered time and time again. The people who were supposed to “care” about me and “love” me broke me, and so I no longer trust. And just when I inch out into a branch of the trusting tree…the therapist forgets to do what she says she’ll do (not a life-altering, unforgivable issue, I know…well, to a *non-crazybrain*) but still something so small and seemingly trivial can send *crazybrain* on the fast track down Borderline Boulevard to an all night party which dead-ends at the SUI Souvenir Shop! And it is not beyond *crazybrain* to send a memento of the previous night’s SI party to the therapist…signed, sealed and delivered.

And this is precisely why I do not share things of a most personal nature and why I lost faith in people’s ability to actually understand and care without judgment or ridicule. No, I do not *trust*. Let me step off of the trauma trust trail for a moment to clarify that I do have the ability to trust, just not as it relates to the trust of my sharing myself with another human being and *trusting* that that person will not judge me, and will be able to accept me, the real me. What would be really handy, is if someone could just replace the “trust” factor with some clearly defined directions specifically drawn out and documented for *crazybrain*. Perhaps a visio flow chart with specific “if this ~then this” instructions. That’s what would be really helpful. It would have been really nice to have a * trauma flowchart* the other night that I could have referred too when I lost all touch reality and was teetering on the edge.

SAFETY:  Because *THIS* ~ all of this is just an overwhelming, confusing, internal mess. There is no internal communication…there’s just complete chaos! I have to make lists for everything and even then there is rebuttal and rebellion at the smallest thing. What seems strange to me though, is that I have these urges to SI, strong urges, like visions of it in my mind, but then I don’t do it. I’m not sure if I can even articulate what goes through my head during these times. It’s so unlike what has previously played out when in CB is in charge. Like in the past, if CB had decided to cut, even under protest, she would be on the bathroom floor with a glass of vodka and a razor and in 10 seconds flat, blood would be flowing from a wound somewhere on her body. But the past few weeks have been different. The thoughts, the urges, the desires, are all still there, but the follow through is what seems to be missing. But it’s like a scene in a movie playing over and over again. (I’d make a flow-chart but I don’t know how in blogworld… ) but it’s sort of like this: Something will trigger CB into flashback hell, overwhelmed by mental and physical ickiness, a thought of: cut yourself to make it stop, might flash forward…and then I can picture actually doing it (the SI), but I don't actually do it, and then it starts all over again. A memory from the past, contfusion of where I am - who I am, desire to SI, to make it stop, fear, anger, etc....But not always in the same order. It’s like pieces of a puzzle randomly falling from the sky. Fragmented pieces of me; my past and my present, physical and mental feelings and images…I can’t stop it and I can’t articulate what happens, what day it is, or even what year it is, whether I am an adult or a child.  It's like the part who wants to cut is only here for a second, and then the crying scared child takes over, followed by a second of the angry teenager, followed by another memory or icky physical feeling...and then again and again....for hours!

It’s sort of like this post. A big jumbled mess of different things…

I have a lot of baggage (no trust or safety)…no directions ~ and no flow-charts.
Should you happen to have the directions, please feel free to mail them to me at:

Saving Grace
C/O CrazyBrain
Gracefully Going Insane
Somewhere On Borderline Boulevard
TraumaTown, USA
Send priority ~ I’ll pay the extra postage!


  1. I have a flowchart. You can see it here:

    Mine is missing the section with the crying child stopping you. I'm sorry your small child is crying and afraid, but I'm glad she is stopping you.

    And I hate when people say, "Trust me." That automatically means I won't. Only actions can lead me to trust someone, not words.

  2. it gets better Grace, it really does. For me...I couldn't trust anyone...or feel safe with anyone until I learned to trust me - It took so long. Felt like I was in a war...and I was the enemy. Stay safe. sarah

  3. I understand what your sharing you're not's better to imagine cutting/hurting than to actually do's a step in the right direction, when things are tough we do it too.

  4. I am slowly learning to trust myself and I think that is where it really all least that is for me. Remember trust is earned not freely given. As for safety I have not quiet accomplished that and don't if I ever will. Directions..I don't have much to offer on that, as I seem to loose sight or not have any in sight of where I might need to go. I have to take 1 day at a time.