Monday, January 4, 2010

Just throw me in the recycle bin - reuse the parts that aren't broken for someone else! Someone more *willing* and less *willful*!

Better hurry tho - before I completely destroy the *rest* of me!  Especially since I am so unwilling to relinquish my stubborn willfulness *in the service of exploring other ideas*.

Crazy and Trauma are flowing freely though every single vein and artery in my body. The pain has coated the inside of me to the point that I cannot bear to have another person touch me in any way lest they be contaminated by the badness that is me. I am a vessel of darkness that is so sinister, so toxic, I no longer recognize who I once was. So many different parts of me screaming and yelling in such chaos and I have found no way to sooth or accommodate them at all. There is a bad, menacing part, she is venomous and in my inability to work with her, I find it best if I stay hidden from the public eye ~ lest her poison will leak into someone else. I feel so angry and so weary right now.

And I cannot face the therapist tomorrow. I cannot sit there and talk and talk and talk…she would say I am too “willful” and I would say I was plenty “willing” to discuss the “bad stuff” last week and I have been fucked up ever since! And I’m angry with her right now. Angry because I feel so sick right now, and because she forgot me on Friday. Angry because she leaves her cats and thinks they are happy and social and healthy! That’s what people said about me too, therapist when I was a kid! 

And I feel sick and jaded and I know that if I go tomorrow and I don’t feel better it will because I wasn’t “open” or “willing” enough and that’s why I’m not better. And I can’t face that right now. I already know how f’d up I am…I already KNOW I’m not getting any better. I know that! I don’t want to hear it tomorrow! I don’t want to hear it again!

Why not just throw my *willful* ass in the recycle bin…surely there are some pieces of me that are not broken, pieces that are salvageable and can be given to someone else to use. There has to be something that isn’t broken! 

 thrown out in exasperation because I don't know what else to do!!!!  I don't know what to do.  Why can't she hear that?  Why can't any of them hear that?  It hurts all the time right now.  I need it to just stop.


  1. People always say "willful" like its a bad thing. In my case my mother always accused me of being "too independent" like it was a bad thing. It's like they try to turn a good quality against us. I don't think willful is such a bad thing at all.

  2. Hope things go well takes courage to keeping going.

  3. Like Blooming Psycho (Hi, Lily!), I also think 'willful' is a better trait than it is made out to be. You can do it, honey. Go. Go and tell the truth. I love you.