Monday, November 1, 2010

Quietly Ill

I think something is very wrong with me. Yes, logic and all the villagers and the people ‘IRL’ surrounding me tell me otherwise…And I am only one while you are many… Who to believe? Who to believe? I know who I WANT to believe – but I also know I am the only one living in my body – and I am the only one who knows how it feels to live in this body right now.

And the truth is I am dreadfully ill something like 20 hours a day – and even after being saturated in medications for a month to kill the bacteria in my body that isn’t supposed to be there…I am still not getting any better. And there is rarely a night that passes that I don’t have a serious thoughts of going to the hospital emergency room…and multiple times when I have gone.

‘The Docs’ want me to see yet another “specialist”… because they have no-clue-what-else-to-do – and I’m running out of brave.

But I also realize it does me no good to complain about it. Complaining doesn’t make me feel any better and it only leaves the people around me feeling helpless and sorry for me which then puts them into a position of wanting to either protect me or try to *fix* me and my ‘sickness’ and they can’t. They can physically wrap their bodies around mine, but their barriers offer little protection from the raging sickness that is on the inside of me; which leaves them frustrated and helpless when they are unable to to fix me.

So….I have been staying quiet –rather than complain – which is why I haven’t been around…

I knew you’d understand.