Saturday, May 29, 2010

My body remembers

My mind remembers a lot….too much. Some nights I beg God, the universe, whatever – to not let me remember. But lately, my body remembers more. And the physical pain is intense and debilitating. In fact, there are moments it’s nearly unbearable. And there’s no real reason or explanation for it. But it hurts. Migraines the pain medication won’t touch. They never seems to go away – especially on the left side of my head and down my neck. Even when it isn’t a full-blown migraine there’s always a dull ache that is irritating.

continue reading here:   My body remembers

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What can I do to make you feel better right now?

EXCERPT:  That’s what the therapist asked me today…What can I do to make you feel better right now, while you’re here? Right NOW? In my present moment?   Remember Grace, you are safe in your body …am I, dear therapist, am I? I hope you’re right…because I really would like to feel safe…I really would.

Continue reading here:  What can I do to make you feel better right now?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I get by with a little help from my friends

EXCERPT:  All of these struggles make us the way we are, don’t they? And even though we’ve never met we still share these qualities. And sometimes we give hope to others and sometimes we take hope from others when we have none of our own.
continue reading here: I get by with a little help from my friends

A reason...

EXCERPT:   Sometimes the darkest nights lead to the brightest days….K ~ So automatically you’re wondering who is currently bogarting Grace’s blog…but I assure you – it’s really me. Lately, I’ve been stuck in this overwhelming darkness, I’ve been lulled by my own fatigue, weary from fighting and worn out from crying. I can’t remember a day without tears. Last night was unspeakably horrible – until I finally left – and now there are only snippets of the evening in my brain…which I’m actually thankful for.
Continue reading A reason here:  A reason

Friday, May 21, 2010

So cute how she thinks I’m sane

EXCERPT:  I had a PDOC appointment this afternoon. She was waiting in the lobby when I got there with this big smile on her face like she was looking forward to my *visit* ~ very much unlike the therapist who always seems tired. I suppose that’s the joy of seeing me only 20 minutes every 3 months. I guess I can be pretty cool in small doses. 

continue reading here:  So cute how she thinks I'm sane

Grounding, Soothing, Safe Places, oh my…

EXCERPT:   Lately, this has been a recurring statement in my life. Sometimes, it is said as a statement to my continued feelings of fear and unsafety, “Ground yourself, Grace, remember, you are safe in your soothed body.” Other times, it’s a directive, “Grace, you need to find your safe space.” These statements used to piss me off but now I just nod my head and try to understand that the people who are saying things probably don’t understand that people like me have no idea what a *safe space* even is. No idea.

continue reading here:   Grounding, Soothing, Safe Places, oh my...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

this handbasket and this ice-pick...that's all I need

I have scared myself this past week with these overwhelming with thoughts of death. My head is in overdrive and nothing I do is making it stop. I have moments where I feel so suicidal it’s scary. I haven’t eaten in a few days and I feel weak and shaky. I am so tired I had to stop halfway down the stairs to rest and stave off the dizziness

The past few nights I’ve had dissociative occurrences where I have done things I have absolutely no memory of doing. Phone calls, written words, waking up in places I’ve no memory of visiting. It scares me because bad shit happens when I’m not around. And I can’t seem to stop it. I took seroquel early thinking I could go to bed early and avoid any possibility of a crazybrain freak out session – and I woke up at 2:30 curled up in the back seat of my car rocking and sobbing like a little girl. It is so very overwhelming now.

I am not eating, I am not sleeping well, and the near blinding migraines are becoming unbearable. I have this exaggerated startle response that is nearly sending my heart into paroxysmal A-fib when the wind blows against the window.

I am not stupid. I know exactly where this road will lead me. But even that knowledge is not enough to make me turn around. It’s like I don’t have a choice in this anymore. There is no ‘free will’. There is no "me". The urge to destroy myself is so strong now.  I thought I could control things – that I could keep things at a manageable level so that I could at least function. But that is no longer the case.

The hus and DS are headed out to a baseball game soon. DD is at a friend’s house. I will finally be alone, which, I know in my current state of mind it is neither safe nor advisable for me to be alone, and yet at the same time I am craving it.  And after they leave I will take an ice pick and stab my brain repeatedly, beginning with the hippocampus and the hypothalamus until it all just stops.

Even with a 'safety plan' in place I have found loop-holes. And the truth is I wasn’t worth anything then and I am not worth anything now. There's no hope.

I am getting my hand-basket because I know right where I’m headed. And I hope to find peace there. 

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I need help

Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is ask for help. I need help…gawd…I need help. And I desperately want to throw up my arms and have someone to make all of the decisions for me-- either put me in a hospital or do something to make a change in my brain. I'm afraid of myself. I do not feel safe. The therapist made me promise not to kill myself last Tuesday night –and I didn’t. Maybe I need to be in the hospital. But I would never go because I'm way too stubborn and I think it would make things worse because the thought of losing even my freedom is even more overwhelming, I feel like I've lost so much already. I want someone to save me because I can't save myself. Which sounds ridiculous and obviously isn’t possible since I am an adult and have to save myself.

The past few weeks have been dreadful. I have not felt this suicidal and self destructive since March 2008, which, ironically is the last time I went back to the hometown. I am so depressed and dissociative that I barely know what to do with myself, on the rare occasions when I am myself. I almost called the suicide hotline but decided against it because I really didn’t think they could help me, even though I know it is a very real possiblity that I could die.  Very real.

There isn’t much anyone can do for me. This morning when I become conscious of just how bad it had been last night I realized I should probably make a safety plan. And so I did. I reached out to a friend of mine and asked her to check on me at night. And that if I did not respond to wait 15 minutes and try again – and then if no response…well, that’s where I get lost. Then what? Call the therapist? Call 911? Then what? I don’t want to go to the hospital.

And I didn’t even call the therapist to tell her just how bad it is right now. For a couple of reasons: I’m unsure of her thoughts about Thursday’s meeting and I’m projecting the TS’s words into the therapist, thinking she took in and believes everything TS woman said is gold. And if she doesn’t care, or tells me to call someone else, or “grow up”…or anything of the sort – it will surely make things worse now….so I did not call her. Bad decision? Maybe – but I’m famous for those lately.

I want to write….but not on my other blog because of the space I am in now will worry people who care about me and I don’t want that- so I write here for now. I know I have people who love me, who care about me greatly…and I love them in return. I don’t know what’s wrong with me – why can’t I FEEL it? Why isn’t it enough?  I surely don't know.  All I do know is that I am filled with depression and thoughts of death are being knocked around my head like a game of pool.  I'm just waiting for the 8-ball to hit the corner pocket...and that'll be it.

Where is the anchor that is supposed to tie me to this world?

Hello Darkness My Old Friend