this handbasket and this ice-pick...that's all I need

I have scared myself this past week with these overwhelming with thoughts of death. My head is in overdrive and nothing I do is making it stop. I have moments where I feel so suicidal it’s scary. I haven’t eaten in a few days and I feel weak and shaky. I am so tired I had to stop halfway down the stairs to rest and stave off the dizziness

The past few nights I’ve had dissociative occurrences where I have done things I have absolutely no memory of doing. Phone calls, written words, waking up in places I’ve no memory of visiting. It scares me because bad shit happens when I’m not around. And I can’t seem to stop it. I took seroquel early thinking I could go to bed early and avoid any possibility of a crazybrain freak out session – and I woke up at 2:30 curled up in the back seat of my car rocking and sobbing like a little girl. It is so very overwhelming now.

I am not eating, I am not sleeping well, and the near blinding migraines are becoming unbearable. I have this exaggerated startle response that is nearly sending my heart into paroxysmal A-fib when the wind blows against the window.

I am not stupid. I know exactly where this road will lead me. But even that knowledge is not enough to make me turn around. It’s like I don’t have a choice in this anymore. There is no ‘free will’. There is no "me". The urge to destroy myself is so strong now.  I thought I could control things – that I could keep things at a manageable level so that I could at least function. But that is no longer the case.

The hus and DS are headed out to a baseball game soon. DD is at a friend’s house. I will finally be alone, which, I know in my current state of mind it is neither safe nor advisable for me to be alone, and yet at the same time I am craving it.  And after they leave I will take an ice pick and stab my brain repeatedly, beginning with the hippocampus and the hypothalamus until it all just stops.

Even with a 'safety plan' in place I have found loop-holes. And the truth is I wasn’t worth anything then and I am not worth anything now. There's no hope.

I am getting my hand-basket because I know right where I’m headed. And I hope to find peace there.