Wednesday, October 6, 2010


You don’t have to read this or comment. I just need to get this out.

Today I asked the doc for a printout of all my blood work…you know so I could pretend to be a doctor and obsess over all the numbers…I’m a numbers gal! Especially since the apparently my blood is as depressed as I am. It’s probably not a good idea for a hypochondriac to have the detail of her own blood work…which I knew even as the words were coming out of my mouth…as usual I could not stop them. I took the paper, looked at it, folded it, put it away…took it back out when I got into my car and looked at it again and quickly put it away, briefly thought about shredding it when I got home, but did not…because its ‘abnormal’…because I’m ‘abnormal’.

I’ve been sick so much of my life that it’s almost a joke. “Sickly”…chronic kidney infections, utis, strep, ear infections, fevers, colds, pneumonia, 5 miscarriages – 2 that were quite serious second trimester mc’s. Then all the other “stuff” stomach issues, insomnia, back pain, hip pain, headaches…. Really – it is a joke here at my house…the hus is, “You’re always sick!” Everyone stay away from mom – she’s sick again.” The 11 year old, “Make sure we have sierra mist and yellow gatorade cuz that’s what she likes to drink when she throws up.” The 8 year old draws me cards and pictures, “I love you…Hang in there…Feel better soon.” I swear I’m Beth from Little Women. Sometimes I think I should have died a long time ago, or that soon whatever it is in my body that makes me so sick will finally just kill me.

I KNOW it’s just the “raging” infection talking here (that’s probably who’s been talking for about the last week) but right now I don’t have much else.

And when I get sick, like really sick, like I am right now…I get scared. Like “child” scared. And when people start saying things like, “You need to take care of yourself, Grace.” Or worse, “Well, I’m not surprised your sick…you don’t take care of yourself.” A tornado of confusion and fear begins swirling around inside…of course we should be able to do something so simple. Of course you should judge a 39 year old woman with a master’s degree in finance who cannot do something so simple as to take care of her own body and prevent herself from getting sick, for heaven sake that is such a simple task…Gawd Grace you are such a stupid girl!! And we feel judged…judged and criticized and hopeless. And because of the judgment being passed – there is so much anger. It is RAGING inside of me, ripping me apart. (Again, I apologize for the incoherent psychotic trash talk ranting in the previous post).

But I am so tired of being judged because I cannot do that which I was never taught. And because of the criticism and the judgment I would rather die than reach out for help. (Not that anyone has offered to help) I would rather starve to death than beg for food. I can take care of myself! Obviously…I have proven that to be the case. I am thriving (in bacteria-as it is raging through my bloodstream).

I hurt…all over. I hurt from exhaustion after weeks of not being able to fall asleep until after 3 or 4am. I hurt from the physical wounds and the mental pain. I hurt. I hurt from thinking, ’it cannot get any worse than this Grace, so stay still, hold on tight, it won’t get worse’…but then it does.

Yes, the world still turns today– but my world stopped…My soul withered as demons took hold of my being and twisted it like a dirty wet rag. And God- right now I miss my gramma so much my chest literally aches from the void of her.

And I am still really, really sick.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Too tired to think of a clever title

The truth: I’m tired…and sick.. I’ve spent the majority of this week feeling truly awful but haven’t been able to actually “feel” truly awful because my boss (my dear sweet boss who I adore and respect) was in town on a project and I have worked no less than 14 hours a day every day…this week – until today, when I snuck out of the office after my last conference call ended at 3pm -but my first call started at 7am – so it’s not like it wasn’t a full day. I haven’t spent much time on the computer at all- well, that’s not exactly true, I’ve spent hours and hours on the computer but it’s been on spreadsheets analytical crap that is my work world and no time writing here –or reading any of my friends updates.

So – well, awesome – the pendulum has swung me right back here to this space tonight, so pull up a chair, couch, pillow…whatever – bring a glass of water, wine, milk, jose quervo (he’s still on my shit-list from the still not forgotten smashed foot incident but you may still partake – I won’t be offended) cuz apparently I’m in a mood tonight (or so I’ve been told).

Gosh, where to start…You totally missed my bitching and moaning about the physical shit that doesn’t seem to go away, right? Well, say no more! No more migraines – but now I have this constant pressure in the front of my head. It’s not a migraine…it’s literally like the front of my skull is being pushed from the inside out. Nothing alleviates the pain and it is there 24/7. (go on, Grace, that can’t be all…) No, that isn’t all…the hip pain – still there! And add to it a sharp pain in my left hip bone several times a day like someone taking a knife and stabbing me with it. Like suck in your breath – sharp pain. Major stomach issues…like redecorate the bathroom I’m bored issues- nuff said. I think I have a serious infection on a wound I don’t really remember inflicting. Wah, wah, wah, bitch, bitch, bitch, oh…I nearly forgot – moan!

Last week I broke in a way I’ve not broken before. The prior week I sent an email to my boss alerting him to my distress by simply saying, “I’m about done.” This week I said, in a professional way, “I quit.” Because I am too tired… I am tired of being strong. I am tired of smiling through the shit and doing more! With less! And doing it better! I’m tired of taking on the burdens and trying to sell it to the staff like it’s a fucking rainbow and building them up while it is k-i-l-l-i-n-g me. I’m tired of all of it! Tired-tired-tired! And what did bossy do Grace? He gave me a pep talk, reminded me of my successes, and how I “set the bar” and then he left for the store (probably to renew his xanax prescription) and then called me and offered to buy me starbucks…we’ll talk later. (? When hysterical female calms down and regains her senses and realizes what she is saying) I was talking to my friend L and I was telling her how I feel bad for bossy because he doesn’t look well. He looks so tired and just worn down…and then I laughed and told her that he was probably thinking the same thing about me. I do feel bad…he devotes so much of his life to his job and he’s so knowledgeable and compassionate and great to work with – and I don’t think he gets the respect he deserves. And L said, “It’s funny how you always have so much compassion for other people but none for yourself.” “Well,” I said back to L, giving her the Grace death glare, “That ‘s because I don’t really care about myself.” (Like she doesn’t already know that.) “Fine,” L said, “Then if you care so much about bossy, think about how your leaving will stress him out.” I just continued to give her the Grace death glare, but it doesn’t seem to have quite the impact it used to (note to self – work on new death stare). L continues, “I know you want to go off on me, so go ahead…” No, L…I’m way too tired…and it’s really not even important to me anymore. I don’t care enough to fight about it.

Ohmygod – I am not well….I can’t keep up…I plug one leak and another has sprung somewhere else – my crazybrain has never bled into my career before…it’s tiring. I’m forever waiting for a “better day”. Tomorrow I will feel better….Tomorrow will be a better day….What if tomorrow never comes? Like I said to bossy-m… I’m about done.