Wednesday, October 6, 2010


You don’t have to read this or comment. I just need to get this out.

Today I asked the doc for a printout of all my blood work…you know so I could pretend to be a doctor and obsess over all the numbers…I’m a numbers gal! Especially since the apparently my blood is as depressed as I am. It’s probably not a good idea for a hypochondriac to have the detail of her own blood work…which I knew even as the words were coming out of my mouth…as usual I could not stop them. I took the paper, looked at it, folded it, put it away…took it back out when I got into my car and looked at it again and quickly put it away, briefly thought about shredding it when I got home, but did not…because its ‘abnormal’…because I’m ‘abnormal’.

I’ve been sick so much of my life that it’s almost a joke. “Sickly”…chronic kidney infections, utis, strep, ear infections, fevers, colds, pneumonia, 5 miscarriages – 2 that were quite serious second trimester mc’s. Then all the other “stuff” stomach issues, insomnia, back pain, hip pain, headaches…. Really – it is a joke here at my house…the hus is, “You’re always sick!” Everyone stay away from mom – she’s sick again.” The 11 year old, “Make sure we have sierra mist and yellow gatorade cuz that’s what she likes to drink when she throws up.” The 8 year old draws me cards and pictures, “I love you…Hang in there…Feel better soon.” I swear I’m Beth from Little Women. Sometimes I think I should have died a long time ago, or that soon whatever it is in my body that makes me so sick will finally just kill me.

I KNOW it’s just the “raging” infection talking here (that’s probably who’s been talking for about the last week) but right now I don’t have much else.

And when I get sick, like really sick, like I am right now…I get scared. Like “child” scared. And when people start saying things like, “You need to take care of yourself, Grace.” Or worse, “Well, I’m not surprised your sick…you don’t take care of yourself.” A tornado of confusion and fear begins swirling around inside…of course we should be able to do something so simple. Of course you should judge a 39 year old woman with a master’s degree in finance who cannot do something so simple as to take care of her own body and prevent herself from getting sick, for heaven sake that is such a simple task…Gawd Grace you are such a stupid girl!! And we feel judged…judged and criticized and hopeless. And because of the judgment being passed – there is so much anger. It is RAGING inside of me, ripping me apart. (Again, I apologize for the incoherent psychotic trash talk ranting in the previous post).

But I am so tired of being judged because I cannot do that which I was never taught. And because of the criticism and the judgment I would rather die than reach out for help. (Not that anyone has offered to help) I would rather starve to death than beg for food. I can take care of myself! Obviously…I have proven that to be the case. I am thriving (in bacteria-as it is raging through my bloodstream).

I hurt…all over. I hurt from exhaustion after weeks of not being able to fall asleep until after 3 or 4am. I hurt from the physical wounds and the mental pain. I hurt. I hurt from thinking, ’it cannot get any worse than this Grace, so stay still, hold on tight, it won’t get worse’…but then it does.

Yes, the world still turns today– but my world stopped…My soul withered as demons took hold of my being and twisted it like a dirty wet rag. And God- right now I miss my gramma so much my chest literally aches from the void of her.

And I am still really, really sick.

1 comment:

  1. I used to be that way when I got sick. Not sure what that's about....Take gentle care of you whatever way you can....☺