Just die already!

Today I told the therapist that I wish the host body would die.  I just wish she would die already!  GAWD!  I hate her!    Who wishes their mother, the woman who gave birth to her, to die?  Someone evil, that's who.  I actually wished my mother would die....and I spoke the words out loud to someone else!   Who thinks that?  What kind of person thinks that?  I mean, no matter what he did, what she did, it's so wrong to wish another person would die.

When I was a kid, the host body made several suicide attempts.  Like, every few months, she would lock herself in the bathroom and OD on xanax.  And it was so embarrassing!  The ambulance would show up and all the white trash neighbors would be outside gawking at us, talking about how crazy we were...and I remember that even back then I wished she would just die!  Why did she just keep living?

Even then, I hated her so much.  What kind of child hates their own mother and wishes her dead?  But I did.  I fucking loathed her!  I could barely stand to look at her!  And I wished she would die.  I used to swear she had a damn hospital wing named after her crazy ass she was there so many times....and every time, the doctors would tell my grandmother that the host body had to quit drinking and ODing because she was going to die.  And I would WISH and PRAY that she would die.  OMG ~ what kind of evil person wishes their mother dead???? 

When I was around 16 years old (after the SF had left) my mother was in the hospital after another drunken suicide attempt, and my grandmother and I were with her.  The host body thought she was in the hosptial because she had a baby (thank God that wasn't the case!) and she kept asking my grandmother, "Mom, where is my baby?  Why haven't they brought my baby in?"  And my grandmother would say, "Well, crazy host body, I'm not sure why..."  And then the host body looked at my grandmother and said, "Mom, why do you have that dishrag on your head?"  And my grandmother replied, "Well, host body, I didn't know that was there."  And my grandmother actually raised her arms up, and *pretended* to pull something off of her head that was not ever there in the first place!  WTF!?!  I wanted to punch them both for being so stupid!

I wished my mother would die.  For as long as I could remember, I wished she would die. 
Who does that?  What kind of person wishes her mother would die?  Sadly, I truly believe she wished I would die too... and tonight, as I'm sitting here in my freakin' huge house, crying because I feel like an evil person for wishing my mother was dead, she is probably 1200 miles away, sitting in her trailor, wishing I was dead too.... or maybe, she doesn't even realize I'm still alive at all.  I'm not sure which is worse....