Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Are we ready to stop being 16 now Grace?

Sometimes I have to sit back for a minute to really appreciate all that the therapist does for me. Like she has totally put up with a lot of shit from me…like she never knows who will show up for session and so I imagine she braces herself right before she opens the door to “greet me and invite me in”…which as I’ve told her a million times – I won’t enter her office until she officially asks me to come in- even if she stands there all *smiley and welcomy* in the therapisty way… evil cannot cross a threshold without being invited in. She knows that! Hum…maybe that’s why her office always smells like garlic (well, when she doesn’t eat onions before my session!) because she’s trying to ward of Grace’s evil spirit…I’ll have to spend some time thinking about that…

And I know that the therapist gets me…like most of the time, she can deal with all of me – but then, there are those times when she will say something so completely off the wall, I’m all like, WHAT? Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? Today, she made one of those suggestions that made me loudly interrupt her and want to scream, OMG! Do you know me at all??? She said she’d been thinking about my inability to sleep…compounded by the nightmares and terror when I do actually sleep – and she suggested that I go have a sleep study done. (WTF!) ..now she thinks my brain is oxygen deprived and I have sleep apnea? YES!  I'll be that IS it!  I'm sure it's really low O2 sats and not the fucking kid flashbacks!
Hello! I cannot FALL asleep! I cannot RELAX enough to fall asleep! So she quotes some ridiculous study about how people who with sleep apnea have more nightmares, etc. OMG! Seriously! How big was that brain tumor you ate Doc? The majority of the time I fall into panicky flashback hell is way before I fall over from exhaustion! HELLO!?!?! AND! Just to be clear – I can barely find a safe freaking place in my own home to feel relaxed enough to sleep – so what the fuck would make her think I would actually go to a sleep lab – surrounded by a bunch of freaky clinicians – with wires all over my exposed body and SLEEP??? Gee – is there free WIFI there at that sleep lab, DT? Cuz, maybe then I’d do it – since I’D BE UP ALL NIGHT! Jumping out of my freaking skin at the slightest movement! Like, I cannot even believe she suggested that! And would she make herself available after 10 when the freak outs start, or just let me completely lose it – OUTSIDE the “safety” of my own home until some freak at the clinic slaps my ass in the looney bin! I doubt it!(Maybe that was her “alterior” motive…get Grace locked away so she can run away and marry some Zen Monk and live *spiritually ever after*) Get a freakin’ clue!!!! NEWSFLASH: Afraid to sleep! F-E-A-R!!! BEFORE sleep! Unless the O2 is lacking when I’m awake – I’m nearly positive that is NOT the problem here ~ Doc! 

And then like she KNOWS I haven’t been on top of my game, right? Ya know, with the late night panic attacks, the dissociative freak outs that last for hours, the cutting relapse.  So after the “sleep lab” suggestion and the cutting analysis, she decides to say,“Oh, by the way, I’m going out of town for a week in February, do you want to spend some time talking about that?” WTF! What’s to *talk about*? What are we going to plan? You’re going out of town, and that’s just it….You gonna leave me your rock to carry around as a transitional object while you’re gone? Get a clue, DT! What does she want me to say or do? Beg her not to go? Like hello! She is entitled to vaca – deserves time off, just like everyone else - especially from crazybrain! I totally get that! But does she want me to “guarantee” her that I’ll stay safe while she’s gone? Well, I can say it – if that makes her feel better – but truth be told – I’m on the ledge every effing night – and I typically call her about 3x a week right now for help – so even if I say the words – words mean nothing! So whatever! I asked her what did she want me to say? Bon-voyage? Have a good time? And what if I don’t feel *safe*? What’s she going to do about it? Wrap up her rock in a blue blanket and tuck it in my purse? Threaten to slap me in the psych ward like she threatened 2 years ago?  Yell at me to grow up like she did before? Doubt it! No matter what I say – it doesn’t matter. She is going to “trust” that I’ll keep myself safe. 

And sometimes I wonder if what would happen if I didn’t spend so much time trying to “prove” to her that I was okay. I mean really! Like today, all of this crazy shit is streaming through my head like the Michael Jackson Thriller video – but I just sat there and chewed gum, playing with my headphones while she talks about sleep labs and her upcoming vacation. Whatever! She has done so much for me in the past I am NOT asking for any sort of retarded transitional object while she’s away.  Maybe that's why she forgot the 2 emails.  Maybe she did it on purpose as a "test" -- to the upcoming DT departure.  Whatever!  I say make the break now and then no one has to worry about it!

Like it doesn’t matter anyway – since I’m going to be gone the 2 weeks prior to that. And I told her that today, too. I’ll be gone Mon-Thursday 2 weeks in a row and then she leaves the Thursday I get back for a week. So that’s 3 weeks, sans therapy…since she doesn’t do Friday or weekend appointments. And I guess I didn’t look distressed because she sure didn’t offer up any suggestions! Fine! So next week is my last appointment until March. Whatever – I’m so not going next week either! Fuck it!

And then she got frustrated and said, “Are we done being 16 today?” Gee – I guess not, DT.” You know, for the record, I have a friend I’ll be seeing in a couple of weeks who PREFERS the 16 year old! She’s much more adventurous than most of us and she is always up for a party! And I’m sure her teenage defiant ass will be out in full force without the therapist’s “help” for 3 weeks – in fact, an email contact in preparation has already been sent.

Dear *Friend* ~ I will be in town on (these dates) and I would LOVE to *get together*.
Dear Scarlet ~ I am confident something will work out…C U THEN! 

Ms. 16 year old is now going to go raid the liquor cabinet and the anti-anxiety meds...Let's Party!  I totally love that she "Trusts" me ~ though - I really do. Hilarious!  Sad...but still funny! 


  1. Shit.

    (Sleep study? Oh, brother. How stupid. Doesn't the dear doc understand that PTSD causes this crap? WTF??!!! Has she lost her mind? Yes... Old Guy once came up will the same lame-brained idea - well after knowing about the real problem. I got pissed off, too. Poor Rambo 'bout had a cow. It wasn't pretty.)


  2. Sigh...except for the fact that I can't tolerate alcohol any more, I'd be in a similar boat. My inner teenager hates what I've become and tries to rule my life too. The sad truth is, I'd like to let her. She is all the boldest parts of me.

  3. Your therapist sounds like my doctor when it comes to digging up ridiculous explanations for problems I'm experiencing. It really pisses me off at times.

  4. That's just weird. And demoralizing. And demeaning. What the hell is she thinking? Brain tumor sandwich, it must be. "Would you like onions on that sandwich next time, DT?"

    But I so know how one can act all competent and put together, even in the t's office. Little does he know that if I pulled up my sleeves there would be many many indications that all is not fine. I admire you for telling, I didn't.

  5. Lynn, I guess I should have had the sleep study done last night - as I tossed and turned for hours in bed - unable to FALL asleep- even with the abundant amount of ativan and seroquel and wine in my system! I could not FALL asleep! Probably the layers of fat on my body were crushing my heart and lungs depleting me of the necessary o2 it take to FALL asleep!
    Like, I get that she's trying to be helpful but gimme a break! There aren't other more impt things to discuss? Like perhaps...well, I'm just saying I'm pretty sure there's no nightime o2 issue - the issue is the ability to remain breathing while awake! Ability is there- desire - not so much!

    BP~ Yep- she is a feisty one - not the therapist's fav i'm sure!

    Laura - It could also be the direction the bed is facing, perhaps, that is causing the lack of sleep/fear of sleep/nightmares...THAT's probably it!

    Harriet, I'm sure there were onions on the sandwich - she's big on onions. I did tell her about the SI slip up - I sort of did it in an email when I was pissed about her forgetting me on Friday. Had I not done that I don't know if I would have told. But do not admire me, dear, there are still many other things I did not disclose. Of course, maybe I would have had she not spent 20 minutes wasting time talking about a fucking sleep apnea issue that doesn't even exist! Much like my "fear of safety"...doesn't exist either, huh?
    WTF! I'm really pissy today - maybe I'll cut again...I've already puked 3x - so that isn't working and it's too soon to start drinking- even for me!

  6. Aw, poop. You closed comments on the post just above this one. I'll just leave this right here:


  7. shit - sorry - didn't mean too - it's defaulting to that now - for some reason so if I am not "mindful" enough to remember to change it...I get no comments.
    I changed it now

  8. What happened with the field trip? I don't see that post anymore.