Sunday, January 10, 2010


I woke up this morning in trauma brain hell!  Physical pain, emotionally exhausted - the best part of waking up on a Sunday morning (it's way worse than Folgers)!!!  And I have been desperately trying to ignore it, but I can feel it - I can't make it go away.  I watched a moive...I can feel all of it.  I took a bath...It won't stop.  I cleaned the's still here. I just want it to go away.  Nothing helps.  And I feel so GD worthless and defeated!  What a failure!

It’s like she said it to throw it in my face! I wouldn’t have even known there was a trauma seminar coming to town if she wouldn’t have mentioned it. But she did! And it wasn’t long after she spent 6x the cost on DBT. And of course crazybrain freaks that the therapist isn’t going. And then the therapist says, “Whether I go to the Van der kolk or any other seminar on trauma treatment or otherwise, I feel a need to remind you that the work in therapy right now appears to be your struggles with safety and trust. Of course you are going to be vigilant to whether safety exists in the context of facing your past, in my office or anywhere else when feelings, memories or core issues arise. This is an adaptive self protective function. I think it is important to remember that the safety is not just in my office or in our conversations, but in your ability to care for yourself when experiencing triggered emotions and thoughts. As you know, there have been times when you were not able to do this and this was terrifying. So, the pacing of your process needs lots of respect and time!”

But crazybrain says, it’s not about the safety and trust. Not as she sees it. It’s about the commitment of the therapist to help crazybrain. That’s what she thinks! She isn’t *committed*. Why did she even mention the stupid seminar anyway? Just to throw it in crazybrain’s face that she isn’t committed enough to helping crazybrain so she isn’t going? Even though she had just said she would “jump at the chance to go to a trauma seminar”…if there was one available. How does SHE know how “terrifying” it is? She isn’t here! I’ve been patient! She is committed to DBT –and onions- NOT to me! 
Why does CB think that?  Why can't she just get past it?  Why is she so GD irrational?  Why can CB just not STOP IT!  JUST STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

See, the past keeps coming up anyway!  It continues to haunt me mentally, physically, emotionally - whether I can "deal" with it, or not!  How am I going to LEARN how to "deal with it" when no one will teach me!  It just gets worse!  It keeps getting worse!  And I am still "ill-prepared".  It isn't like it just STOPS because I can't figure out how to find "safety and trust" - no - you know what?  Actually, that just makes it all worse.  It just makes it worse!  Can't *face* it - can't *outrun" what does that leave??? Continuation of circling in hell?  Because I can say I can't do that much longer.  It hurts all the time!  I am ashamed and embarrassed and I feel like I deserve the pain and I take 20 steps backwards every single day and I want to pull my hair out from frustration!  I feel worthless!  I feel useless to even my children right now! I have NO faith anymore! NONE!

Don't *ask* me how I *feel* because no one cares how I *feel*.  I don't feel very safe right now.  Why do I never feel safe?  Why is there no safety anywhere? 

"WHERE ARE YOU TODAY, CB?"  IN HELL...just something else you can't "help" me with...
I'd write about why I'm in hell, but the therapist said that would just make it worse.  And since I am searching for a reason to keep breathing - I'm guessing making it worse wouldn't be a super idea.  THIS is bad enough!


  1. I'm sorry you're hurting. It seems PAG and crazybrain go together I think. And they sure don't trust your therapist, do they? I wonder if there is a way to convince them that your therapist is safe and trying to help you, even though she screws up sometimes. Does she ever talk to PAG directly? Will PAG let her? I'm sorry if I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong, and I am truly sorry that you are hurting so badly.

  2. Um...she's tried to reason with PAG - which NEVER works! I don't know if PAG will talk to her, in person, but the psycho sure likes to email and fight on the phone. You are NOT ever sticking your nose in anywhere. I'm happy to have your nose, or any other part of you you would like to share .... believe me, I need all the help I can get sometimes...noses, hands, teeth, whatever!