Wednesday, January 27, 2010

You can GUARANTEE me all that? Well, where do I sign up! I think we got ourselves a ZEN revival!

I will concede that I don’t take very good care of my body – in fact, I take pretty bad care of my body…and I know it. I never learned how to take care of my body – and in fact, truth be told…I hate it. If there were some scientific research study looking for volunteers to learn to live without their body, I’d be the first to sign up! Obviously, an area I need to work on. I get that. The therapist wants me to take a self-defense class, a yoga class, do some meditation…something that will help me (as she says) learn to “love” my body. I told her I would look into it. I would LOVE to have a punching bag with Marsha’s face on it…but I haven’t been able to find one yet!

I like to stay busy…I like to work on a lot of things at one time…I call it multi-tasking – but it’s really the only way for me to stay out of my head. I’ve done this for so many years I don’t know how NOT to do it. What’s that old definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results? But, see, here’s the thing…I don’t expect to get different results by doing this. I expect the same results I’ve gotten for years – and that is to NOT feel crazy, to NOT stop and listen to the craziness inside my head. This is a way for me to do that…I multi-task- I learn- I’m successful at it, fact, on paper – I could not look better!  You should see my professional and financial portfolios - you'd be amazed that a crazybrain could accomplish so much:-)

I have asked friends about their interest in taking a yoga/self-defense class…and I have had positive responses. But *yoga* ain’t going to make me “love” my body. Been there, done that…still have the water bottle. But I can commit to yoga….

The Zen spiritual stuff ~ not so much. Since I live less than 20 miles away from the Granola capital of the U.S – there are a lot of people practicing meditation – and from what I’ve read experiencing quite the *soulgasms* (that cracked me up!)…but I cannot buy into the spiritual BS that these Meditation Masters are selling. I raise an eyebrow and feel vomit rise into my throat when I try to “accept” that they really believe that their “prayers” and “meditations” take away all their “needs”. Really? ALL of your NEEDS? Don’t we, as humans, always have “needs”? I guess not if you’re a Zen Master.

Here’s what I have to say to those “Meditation Ads” that *promise* if we spiritualize our lives we will: BECOME HAPPIER, SMARTER, MORE LOVING, MORE POWERFUL, MORE ATTRACTIVE, MORE STABLE IN OUR FINANCES, LESS ADDICTED, LESS DEPENDENT, and LESS SICK.

Is that a money back guarantee? Because the “GOD” I prayed to as a kid while being fucked- yeah, that “Church” promised me that too. I didn’t get it! I guess I didn’t *want it bad enough* right? I didn’t “pray” hard enough? NOW I can’t stay in my body because I need to meditate more? No one can hurt you if you meditate hard enough.

WoW! That readin’ was more enlightening than the Billy Graham crusade my grandmother took me too when I was a kid – I prayed and prayed there-and it felt great! It was the day I gave myself to GOD…but I guess he didn’t want me- cuz the SF still f’d me when I got home).

But wait, let me read that again: Are you ready to spiritualize your life? Everything will go better. WE BECOME HAPPIER, SMARTER, MORE LOVING, MORE POWERFUL, MORE ATTRACTIVE, MORE STABLE IN OUR FINANCES, LESS ADDICTED, LESS DEPENDENT, and LESS SICK. Really? You can teach me all that?  What if I already think I'm smart enough, invest my money soundly, physically attractive enough (on the ouside)?  Can I skip those classes or are they prerequisites?  Where do I sign up? Does that include the soulgasms, too, or is that all “sold-separately”? Are buckets included too?

I think we got ourselves a ZEN REVIVAL!
This ranting has been brought to you by the untrusting, angry, willful, disbelieving one who knows better than to believe a sleep study and some BS meditation is the "cure all".


  1. I find meditation relaxing, but if I ever have a "soul-gasm," I really want someone to shoot me.

  2. What IS a "soulgasm"?? And this: "Men, practice intimacy and honoring as the proper sexual path and internal orgasms without external ejaculation and watch your sexuality and personal magnetism skyrocket. This grants increased health, spirituality and sexual pleasure. This may sound fanatical yet it’s a practice found everywhere in the east and I promise you: you will double your powers
    in every way in one month’s time. This is not a denial of sexual energy; rather this is the highest cultivation and transmutation of it."
    What's that about? I'm nearly curious enough to email the author of the article and inquire!

  3. And this: "For women, teach your men the ways of love in sex and encourage your men to have mini intimacy connection times throughout your
    relationship" Is that a "quickie" and I guess you don't have to worry about getting knocked up w/"internal" male orgasms? Or does that not include the scout team?
    I'm so confused!!! (I have to stop now!)

  4. Check this out:

    The title of the article is Dissociation Mimics Enlightenment. Well... many points in the article are quite interesting to me because it has always been my contention that (fake) "enlightenment" mimics dissociation. And my theory is supported every time a therapist tries to shift the focus onto some distracting bit of malarky at a crucial time in a treatment. I do not mean to imply that finding ways to relax or care for one's self is not important, because that would simply be ridiculous. What I mean is that I get suspicious whenever I find myself in a place where there is an opportunity to honestly address some aspect of a trauma only to have a therapist produce some new age bullshit right out of left field. Personally, I find that crazy-making and I think it encourages dissociation. I think there are therapists out there who want us to take up yoga, start eating granola and then simply rename our dissociation and call it enlightenment. I think there are A LOT of them like that.

  5. Your comments, Grace -- Yes, the tantric bullshit is simply denial. And who the hell has time to honestly resolve trauma if they can take up some cultish practice where they can hide from it instead? Do you see how it fits right in with the DBT agenda? Distraction is not a cure, it only delays the next confrontation with unresolved trauma.

  6. First time visiting your blog and found it interesting and your writing articulate. I do belive that meditation and yoga may be healthy and helpful. Being very stressed over my son's mental illness, I felt a need to destress. So I started surfing the net for meditational info. Many introductions start out with the blinking neon FREE sign. Then it goes on and on introducing you to an involved course of several CD's. When they start with the big expensive advertisement pitch I get turned off, and start thinking it's nothing more then a dozen bottles of snake oil.

  7. Ugh, one of my pet peeves. "Mindfulness". My problem is when I empty my mind all of the bad stuff comes in to fill it up. I'm supposed to "notice the thoughts without judgment and gently bring my mind back to the present." Ick! Just the words make me want to gag. As much as I admire certain proponents and researchers of mindfulness and meditation and their use in relieving anxiety, I can't help but think that these people don't have the kinds of thoughts in their heads that I have in mine.

  8. I'm not much for the mindfulness and sitting quietly though i think it can be real for some people (who can sit still). But I'm not sure it's so helpful with trauma.

    But for me yoga has kept me in one piece more times than I can say. But I like the jumping around wildly kind of yoga, which may be a different thing. It can be playful and fun, which is no small thing. Also, it does seem to help release emotions, which can make for some awkward weepy moments, but oh well. It's cheaper than therapy.

    Okay, I'll stop soapboxing. And I should also admit that part of it is that yoga seems to produce some nice endorphins and I do enjoy those--a sneaky way to get high.