Thursday, January 28, 2010

Feeling the same way all over again...singing the same lines all over again...No matter how much I pretend

Do you ever have this feeling in your gut that you are in a relationship and you aren’t sure you want to be in it anymore? And it isn’t because you dislike the other person, you just feel unsure if this person can offer you what you need any longer, or maybe they never did…which seems such an odd thing to say when you don’t know what you need, really…but maybe you would know it if you had it?
Sadly, I feel this way right now. I think I’ve felt this way, off and on, for quite some time, but not being the best communicator (in personal relationships)the unease just gets pushed back, and I try to continue to trudge along, gripping tightly onto hope that may or may not really exist. And I hear the conflicting voices: walk away,'ve felt this before.  You know this person, this person knows love this'll pass. 
For better or for worse...
There is a certain level of comfort that comes from being in a relationship for a long time, isn’t there? Realizing there is no perfect relationship, we have both overlooked things. I have compromised, my partner has compromised…but sometimes I feel like I have compromised too much, and for the wrong reasons, and I wonder if I can ever be happy in this relationship.
I do care about this person and I believe this person cares about me – I also wonder if sometimes we stay in relationships out of comfort, or maybe because it’s easier than starting over. And I am afraid if I leave, I will regret it. And is it fair to leave without being honest about my feelings? What happens if I stay and then many more years pass by, and it still feels the same...and then it's too late to start over.

Nothing makes sense right now. I don’t know what to do…it feels lonely. I’ve no one to talk too…


  1. Yes, you DO have someone to talk to. I'm still here and I'm still loving on you.


    (Perhaps you can address where the unease in the relationship is coming from? Make a pro and con list?)

  2. Wow Grace, this was somewhat of a topic last night in session.

    I feel exactly the same way as you do right now. I have been what T says is ambivalent about my marriage for the four years I've been in therapy. Four years!!!!!!!!

  3. Poop. I came back for another read of the lovely you just took down. It was good.

  4. Sorry - I reposted. I have been sitting her contemplating my death all evening and then when I realized what I posted - it sounded a bit gloomy. You know, the mask and all. So I took it down.
    I put it back up - and have taken an abundant supply of sleeping pills and washed them down with a few glasses of pinot noir. See that's why I'm fat, I drink too much wine. Too much everything. I hope I die before everyone realizes what a fraud I am.
    G''s time to go...

  5. I've been married for 21 years, and I frequently ask "What the hell am I doing here?" But I think it is good to question the relationship, it prevents you from taking things for granted. But it does take more than love to make a relationship work, a lot more than love. I'm a terrible communicator too, so sometimes resentment builds. And it's so hard to make decisions when we're in our own personal bad place too.