Tuesday, January 5, 2010

She hides on the basement step...she is too scared to talk now

Some nights she hides on the basement stairs. She hides on the basement stairs because this house feels too big, too open, and much too scary. There are too many big rooms, too many windows and doors, the ceiling is too high. She doesn’t like this house. She used to hide in other places but now she hides on the 4th basement step because he won’t find her there. There were no stairs, no basement then. So that’s where she hides now…in the dark, huddled in her blue blanket on the 4th step that leads down into the basement - that’s a place that feels safe for her right now. It’s warm there and it feels small when she hides on the step with her back against one wall and the other wall at her toes. She plays skee ball and UNO on her IPOD there, hiding under her blue blanket, in the dark, on that 4th basement step. Sometimes she listens to the music that the therapist gave her – and she tries to remember that eventually the night will end, and then she will be okay again.

She went to bed scared last night, instead of spending hours hiding in the stairs, she went to bed scared last night. She surrounded herself with pillows and blankets but it didn’t help. She woke up from nightmares huddled in the very top corner of the bed, shaking and scared, hugging her knees tight to her chest. She remembers the nightmares but she won’t talk about them. She’s too scared so she won’t talk now. Last week was too scary and now she won’t talk to the therapist. She won’t and she isn’t allowed. But she is too scared to sleep tonight. She’ll hide instead, on the basement steps, huddled in a blue blanket, shaking and scared.