I will concede that I don’t take very good care of my body – in fact, I take pretty bad care of my body…and I know it. I never learned how to take care of my body – and in fact, truth be told…I hate it. If there were some scientific research study looking for volunteers to learn to live without their body, I’d be the first to sign up! Obviously, an area I need to work on. I get that. The therapist wants me to take a self-defense class, a yoga class, do some meditation…something that will help me (as she says) learn to “love” my body. I told her I would look into it. I would LOVE to have a punching bag with Marsha’s face on it…but I haven’t been able to find one yet!
I like to stay busy…I like to work on a lot of things at one time…I call it multi-tasking – but it’s really the only way for me to stay out of my head. I’ve done this for so many years I don’t know how NOT to do it. What’s that old definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results? But, see, here’s the thing…I don’t expect to get different results by doing this. I expect the same results I’ve gotten for years – and that is to NOT feel crazy, to NOT stop and listen to the craziness inside my head. This is a way for me to do that…I multi-task- I learn- I’m successful at it, professionally..in fact, on paper – I could not look better! You should see my professional and financial portfolios - you'd be amazed that a crazybrain could accomplish so much:-)
I have asked friends about their interest in taking a yoga/self-defense class…and I have had positive responses. But *yoga* ain’t going to make me “love” my body. Been there, done that…still have the water bottle. But I can commit to yoga….
The Zen spiritual stuff ~ not so much. Since I live less than 20 miles away from the Granola capital of the U.S – there are a lot of people practicing meditation – and from what I’ve read experiencing quite the *soulgasms* (that cracked me up!)…but I cannot buy into the spiritual BS that these Meditation Masters are selling. I raise an eyebrow and feel vomit rise into my throat when I try to “accept” that they really believe that their “prayers” and “meditations” take away all their “needs”. Really? ALL of your NEEDS? Don’t we, as humans, always have “needs”? I guess not if you’re a Zen Master.
Here’s what I have to say to those “Meditation Ads” that *promise* if we spiritualize our lives we will: BECOME HAPPIER, SMARTER, MORE LOVING, MORE POWERFUL, MORE ATTRACTIVE, MORE STABLE IN OUR FINANCES, LESS ADDICTED, LESS DEPENDENT, and LESS SICK.
Is that a money back guarantee? Because the “GOD” I prayed to as a kid while being fucked- yeah, that “Church” promised me that too. I didn’t get it! I guess I didn’t *want it bad enough* right? I didn’t “pray” hard enough? NOW I can’t stay in my body because I need to meditate more? No one can hurt you if you meditate hard enough.
WoW! That readin’ was more enlightening than the Billy Graham crusade my grandmother took me too when I was a kid – I prayed and prayed there-and it felt great! It was the day I gave myself to GOD…but I guess he didn’t want me- cuz the SF still f’d me when I got home).
But wait, let me read that again: Are you ready to spiritualize your life? Everything will go better. WE BECOME HAPPIER, SMARTER, MORE LOVING, MORE POWERFUL, MORE ATTRACTIVE, MORE STABLE IN OUR FINANCES, LESS ADDICTED, LESS DEPENDENT, and LESS SICK. Really? You can teach me all that? What if I already think I'm smart enough, invest my money soundly, physically attractive enough (on the ouside)? Can I skip those classes or are they prerequisites? Where do I sign up? Does that include the soulgasms, too, or is that all “sold-separately”? Are buckets included too?
I think we got ourselves a ZEN REVIVAL!
This ranting has been brought to you by the untrusting, angry, willful, disbelieving one who knows better than to believe a sleep study and some BS meditation is the "cure all".
Showing posts with label Marsha Marsha Marsha. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marsha Marsha Marsha. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Get it? I get it. Got it? I got it. Good! *no judgement*
I think that the therapist and I have come to a mutual understanding of sorts...for now. I will agree to not take an abundant supply of benzos or slit my wrists in an effort to avoid the inner pain and turmoil ~ and she will agree to not wear the Marsha Suit in my presense and be supportive.
And I can tell her when I feel dizzy and nauseous instead of just leaving my body and flying off into the corner, when I can't continue talking about something. And I find that voicing some random useless trivia facts work just as well as doing math problems in my head to ground me when I feel like I'm going to 'go away' ~ and maybe someday, the fact I shared yesterday with the therapist (in the middle of a conversation - no less) that the average woman owns 18 pair of shoes, but wears only 3-4 ~ will come in handy for her some day during an awkward moment of silence when you feel like you have to say something but you don't know what to say.
Dear Grace, I noticed that at the end of the session, you were looking sad and I hope that my attempts to follow your lead in session today re: Friday nights was not too much. I know that you had asked me not to talk about Friday nights and I was sensitive to this. I also suspect that there is still a lot to these nights that remain to be sorted out. I will continue to honor your pace and needs as you move through this terribly difficult process. And, let me remind you that I seek to understand the whys, what’s, how’s of Friday nights so that I can help you find some type of peace in these nights. There is NO ROOM for judgment in this process of understanding and healing. K? Got it? :0) I think that what was spoken about today re: Friday took a lot of strength from you and you did it in a fully aware and present state of mind. This is courageous and progress. When you get dizzy, then we work to get you back in your body and in the present. Today you only had a brief moment. Despite the inner critic in you, you get to take the pace you need. Let us both honor this fully. ~ The Therapist
Dear Therapist, Yes, there is still a lot to be sorted out and my mind feels very jumbled and messy today. I ain't going to say that it's easy and I appreicate you not making me feel freakishly crazy during session yesterday. I still feel dizzy and nauseous today, tearful and afraid, because I cannot seem to turn off my brain, or quiet the crying and screaming. But I hope that I will be okay some day. I still need the rock, DT. I thought I didn't, but I do. Did you know that the average woman spends $17,000.00 on make-up during her life-time?
~ Grace
And I can tell her when I feel dizzy and nauseous instead of just leaving my body and flying off into the corner, when I can't continue talking about something. And I find that voicing some random useless trivia facts work just as well as doing math problems in my head to ground me when I feel like I'm going to 'go away' ~ and maybe someday, the fact I shared yesterday with the therapist (in the middle of a conversation - no less) that the average woman owns 18 pair of shoes, but wears only 3-4 ~ will come in handy for her some day during an awkward moment of silence when you feel like you have to say something but you don't know what to say.
Dear Grace, I noticed that at the end of the session, you were looking sad and I hope that my attempts to follow your lead in session today re: Friday nights was not too much. I know that you had asked me not to talk about Friday nights and I was sensitive to this. I also suspect that there is still a lot to these nights that remain to be sorted out. I will continue to honor your pace and needs as you move through this terribly difficult process. And, let me remind you that I seek to understand the whys, what’s, how’s of Friday nights so that I can help you find some type of peace in these nights. There is NO ROOM for judgment in this process of understanding and healing. K? Got it? :0) I think that what was spoken about today re: Friday took a lot of strength from you and you did it in a fully aware and present state of mind. This is courageous and progress. When you get dizzy, then we work to get you back in your body and in the present. Today you only had a brief moment. Despite the inner critic in you, you get to take the pace you need. Let us both honor this fully. ~ The Therapist
Dear Therapist, Yes, there is still a lot to be sorted out and my mind feels very jumbled and messy today. I ain't going to say that it's easy and I appreicate you not making me feel freakishly crazy during session yesterday. I still feel dizzy and nauseous today, tearful and afraid, because I cannot seem to turn off my brain, or quiet the crying and screaming. But I hope that I will be okay some day. I still need the rock, DT. I thought I didn't, but I do. Did you know that the average woman spends $17,000.00 on make-up during her life-time?
~ Grace
Sunday, December 13, 2009
"How I Hate DBT"...in the past, in the future, and in my "PRESENT MOMENT"
So Marsha can put that in her barrette, tie it up in her scarf, or hide it under her habit...I stumbled upon some DBT 'crap' this morning...SURPRISE!
Recently, I received an email from someone who found my blog by googling "how I hate DBT" and it still saddens and angers me that the great and powerful MHPs still think DBT is the best mode of treatment for trauma survivors. And I have to believe that my anger and need to express my feelings about dbt is more than just for selfish reasons ~ more than just a spoke in my menstral cycle.
Yeah, I am more than a statistic...and so is this young woman who emailed me. As I read the word of this woman who emailed me about her hatred of DBT, and how she is still attending the classes even though she finds the classes to be angering and triggering for her, I was reminded of my own feelings and how I felt when it was "strongly" suggested that I go to dbt ~ I say strongly suggested, but really it felt forced to me. Forced to go by someone I trusted more than I had trusted anyone else in my life to have my 'best interests' in mind.
When I asked the young lady why she continued to go despite the fact she did not find the classes helpful, she said, "I argue with my therapist about it all of the time. I don't know why I still go...I think to humor my therapist and because I have a hard time saying no to her. Must be under her spell."
I resonate with what she was saying because I felt the same way! And really, in the long run, it actually made me resentful of my therapist because I felt like she forced me to go and she knew saying 'no' is something I struggle with. I did not have a right to say no growing up ~ she knew that ~and I feel like she took advantage of that by making me go to the classes which really just set me back 2 years in therapy with respect to 'trust' and 'safety'. I feel like I should get 1/2 my GD money back! I left every single class more pissed off and suicidal than when I arrived.
And the MHPs know this, too. Once, after dbt class, I reached out to my therapist to tell her how upset I was and she responded with, "Of course you are going to feel irritable after DBT class as this class runs counter to what your emotional mind wants which is to be heard, understood and comforted, vs being told to modulate, distract, "pretend" to feel good, etc." So really she KNEW I wanted to be heard and understood, and yet she wanted me to "distract" and "pretend" ~ skills I learned SO well as a child, skills that were just reinforced during dbt classes that now that's all can do, IRL! AGAIN! It's a beautiful thing! "Where are you today, Grace?" In Grace robotic voice, "I am fine, DT. I am distracting myself by doing math problems inside my head so I tell you nothing because I no longer trust you and am afraid of you...." DBTs star pupil!
I am more than just a half smile ~ more than just a number on a diary card! Just like this person stated: I am More than a Statistic!
I have been allowed an understanding that the Marsha drinking kool-aid compound residents have chosen to ignore. So many people are basically being forced to go to DBT even though they don't find it helpful, and in fact, are bitter and resentful for being sent. If you went to dbt and found it helpful ~ great! But I'm speaking for those of us who found it more harmful and traumatic and now feel even more untrusting and 'hushed'...why didn't you listen to us when we told you "NO"? Why should we trust that you will listen to us now? I want to live in a world where survivors get to have a say in their *treatment* ~ a world where there is actually HELP and not just words of "this is your last hope".... a world where I am free of dbt! A world where the MHPs will listen to more than just the nun...
OH, and this is what I think about "no self-harm/sui contracts": SI/SUI Contracts... I don't need an "agreement" with an MHP to "stay safe" ~ I don't give a shit if it makes YOU feel better, or not.
Recently, I received an email from someone who found my blog by googling "how I hate DBT" and it still saddens and angers me that the great and powerful MHPs still think DBT is the best mode of treatment for trauma survivors. And I have to believe that my anger and need to express my feelings about dbt is more than just for selfish reasons ~ more than just a spoke in my menstral cycle.
Yeah, I am more than a statistic...and so is this young woman who emailed me. As I read the word of this woman who emailed me about her hatred of DBT, and how she is still attending the classes even though she finds the classes to be angering and triggering for her, I was reminded of my own feelings and how I felt when it was "strongly" suggested that I go to dbt ~ I say strongly suggested, but really it felt forced to me. Forced to go by someone I trusted more than I had trusted anyone else in my life to have my 'best interests' in mind.
When I asked the young lady why she continued to go despite the fact she did not find the classes helpful, she said, "I argue with my therapist about it all of the time. I don't know why I still go...I think to humor my therapist and because I have a hard time saying no to her. Must be under her spell."
I resonate with what she was saying because I felt the same way! And really, in the long run, it actually made me resentful of my therapist because I felt like she forced me to go and she knew saying 'no' is something I struggle with. I did not have a right to say no growing up ~ she knew that ~and I feel like she took advantage of that by making me go to the classes which really just set me back 2 years in therapy with respect to 'trust' and 'safety'. I feel like I should get 1/2 my GD money back! I left every single class more pissed off and suicidal than when I arrived.
And the MHPs know this, too. Once, after dbt class, I reached out to my therapist to tell her how upset I was and she responded with, "Of course you are going to feel irritable after DBT class as this class runs counter to what your emotional mind wants which is to be heard, understood and comforted, vs being told to modulate, distract, "pretend" to feel good, etc." So really she KNEW I wanted to be heard and understood, and yet she wanted me to "distract" and "pretend" ~ skills I learned SO well as a child, skills that were just reinforced during dbt classes that now that's all can do, IRL! AGAIN! It's a beautiful thing! "Where are you today, Grace?" In Grace robotic voice, "I am fine, DT. I am distracting myself by doing math problems inside my head so I tell you nothing because I no longer trust you and am afraid of you...." DBTs star pupil!
I am more than just a half smile ~ more than just a number on a diary card! Just like this person stated: I am More than a Statistic!
I have been allowed an understanding that the Marsha drinking kool-aid compound residents have chosen to ignore. So many people are basically being forced to go to DBT even though they don't find it helpful, and in fact, are bitter and resentful for being sent. If you went to dbt and found it helpful ~ great! But I'm speaking for those of us who found it more harmful and traumatic and now feel even more untrusting and 'hushed'...why didn't you listen to us when we told you "NO"? Why should we trust that you will listen to us now? I want to live in a world where survivors get to have a say in their *treatment* ~ a world where there is actually HELP and not just words of "this is your last hope".... a world where I am free of dbt! A world where the MHPs will listen to more than just the nun...
OH, and this is what I think about "no self-harm/sui contracts": SI/SUI Contracts... I don't need an "agreement" with an MHP to "stay safe" ~ I don't give a shit if it makes YOU feel better, or not.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
DBT (Yes! AGAIN!) Help? or Hinder? in healing process *Opinions please....
I had a discussion with someone about DBT this afternoon and during the discussion I mentioned that I think DBT actually triggers me MORE than the "symptoms"~ and I mentioned that I know 'others' out there who feel the same way.
So my 'discussion partner' said to me that perhaps only those who agree with my "opinion" of (let me be polite for once) Marsha Linehan and her "program to help the unhelpable" DBT ~ will tell how they feel about the program.
So...I'm posting this because I want to hear from anyone and everyone who is a survivor of CSA/CA and have an opinion (good OR bad) about DBT as well as any thoughts in general about DBT.
Please, do tell.....
I will now *distract* myself and await your responses
Half-smiling your way!
~ Grace
So my 'discussion partner' said to me that perhaps only those who agree with my "opinion" of (let me be polite for once) Marsha Linehan and her "program to help the unhelpable" DBT ~ will tell how they feel about the program.
So...I'm posting this because I want to hear from anyone and everyone who is a survivor of CSA/CA and have an opinion (good OR bad) about DBT as well as any thoughts in general about DBT.
Please, do tell.....
I will now *distract* myself and await your responses
Half-smiling your way!
~ Grace
Saturday, October 3, 2009
This year for Halloween~ I'm putting aside my jammies and grabbing the habit!
I have decided to dress up for halloween this year. My job on Halloween is to hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters (self-designated ~ it's too cold here on Halloween - I prefer to hand out candy while in the warmth of my own home) and DH takes DS & DD out and about the neighborhood to collect lots of sugary candy.
Usually, usually I just put on my comfy jammies and thick socks rather than an actual "costume". But this year, I have decided to play things out a little differently. I am trading in my 'usual' jammies and grabbing the habit!
This Halloween I am going to dress up like: MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA!!! The "Mindfulness Monster"....The Flying Nun...The Queen of Containment!
I know...you wish you would have thought of it too...But we can't "ALL" be Marsha!
But you can ALL join me in the 'Batty Bitch Bash'... I meant to say the*Mindfull Monster Mash*~whoops ~ I should be more 'mindful' of my thoughts flying out on paper...if you don't mind, you can just throw all that into the giant pink bucket labeled PAG expressing (but not *attaching*to) her feelings of sarcasm...leave off the lid though - I have a feeling she isn't finished expressing her thoughts...
Usually, usually I just put on my comfy jammies and thick socks rather than an actual "costume". But this year, I have decided to play things out a little differently. I am trading in my 'usual' jammies and grabbing the habit!
This Halloween I am going to dress up like: MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA!!! The "Mindfulness Monster"....The Flying Nun...The Queen of Containment!
I am also going to be "MINDFULL" of not contributing to the obesity and tooth decay of our children, so I've decided not to hand out candy this year. This year I'm going to fill my halloween treat basket with:
* Index cards listing distraction ideas & mindfulness exercises
* Diary cards
* Tiny little buckets with 'labels' in which to place your *feelings*
* Miniature Marsha Linehan bobbleheads to keep away the 'bad place'I know...you wish you would have thought of it too...But we can't "ALL" be Marsha!
But you can ALL join me in the 'Batty Bitch Bash'... I meant to say the*Mindfull Monster Mash*~whoops ~ I should be more 'mindful' of my thoughts flying out on paper...if you don't mind, you can just throw all that into the giant pink bucket labeled PAG expressing (but not *attaching*to) her feelings of sarcasm...leave off the lid though - I have a feeling she isn't finished expressing her thoughts...
Friday, July 17, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Conversations with my 5, 10, 15 & 38 year old "selves"...
TO & FROM ALL PARTS OF GRACE:
Nothing like a nice big dose of: “YOU SUCK” to start the day!Nothing like a conference call of “When will this be resolved?” 1000x to make one feel worthless!
Nothing like a shitty night of tossing and turning and “talking to yourself in a *soothing* voice” from 930-3am - and STILL not being able to MAKE IT ALL STOP – to make you feel tired and edgy the next day!
Nothing like lying on the cool bathroom tile trying to stay “connected” with the “5 things” exercise and wondering how long you can stay there before someone will say, “What are you doing in there?” to make you feel like you’ll never be in control of your own emotions.
I HEAR YOU!Yes, “it will get better”. Yes, “you will be okay”.
Yes, “you can do it”.
Yes, “this too shall pass”.
Yes, yes, yes! I’ve heard it all before!
I’ve attended the conferences – I bought the t-shirt, the sweatshirt, the book ~ a bumper sticker, a poster, and a life size BOBBLE HEAD of Marsha Linehan with her cool barrette repeating her mindfulness speeches over and over and over again!
**
Yes, I RECOGNIZE that it was a shitty weekend -and now it’s a shitty MONDAY!!!!
And I recognize that DT makes no exceptions for anything other than what we "agreed" too - well, if she doesn't forget. And I get that she can’t take phone calls when she’s "WORKING" at the hospital – so f- it! I'll learn to take care of myself no matter what 'maladaptive' behavior I choose to implement - because I have the "ability" to "self-soothe" ~ I read the book! And I searched high and low…and I found that “ABILITY”, the one of ‘internal self-soothing’, in the guest room closet - I must have accidentally misplaced it 2 years ago! Thank God for spring cleaning, huh? I should clean the closets out more often – who knows what else I’ll find in there! Perhaps my pride, my self-worth, my hope??? Wonder what I’d find if I cleaned out the attic?NO WORRIES NOW THOUGH! I didn't *need* a session today - or to "talk" to DT last night! I dusted off the "self-soothing" machine and I'm good to go now!!!!! Let’s all sing Kum-by-yah, together, shall we?
NO PROBLEM!
**
I recognize that DT cares - and "wants" to help us - in the "limited ways that she can". (Which, I might add, are much more ‘limited’ now than they used to be!) I get that - I see it on Monday, Wed, Fri – in the form of a few "caring sentences" via email, and whenever she can "squeeze" me in for a 50 minute session....
***
It's ALL ME dear therapist - I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO PULL IT THE HELL TOGETHER!
Yes, "this too shall pass"
Yes, "it will get better"And then it will get worse and then it will get better and then it will get worse - and on and on and on and on... until you just stop breathing!
That's called LIFE, isn't IT?
So, stop feeling sorry for yourself - you stupid whiny brats! ALL OF YOU! Pull it together -realize that you are an adult – acknowledge that your childhood sucked ASS - and move the fuck on! Everyone else has! You can do it too!!!!!
Because hello! DT gives over and above what she should, and needs to do - So COWBOY UP, GIRLS! Show some damn stable behavior for once and accept the bad days and the good ones!
You think you have pressure? You don't have shit! Go live in the Congo for a year - where women get raped every day! THAT’S PRESSURE! You haven't been raped in years - so GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON! You’re such a freakin’ baby!
***
OOPS! We forgot: DT SAID: No - j-u-d-g-m-e-n-t!
"It's okay, little Gracie, you're just having a bad moment right now. Just sit with it - and let it pass. Don't judge it. That won't help. Just "accept" it. It will pass. Because emotions come and go - it isn't black and white - they change all the time. And remember, despite what you may think right now, you don’t need anyone to help you, you have the ability to soothe yourself, and you always have. You have so many strengths and "gifts" Gracie; use them to your advantage. You will be okay.”
“Good girl, Gracie! Good girl! Here's a *treat* for you since you are such a good girl. SIT! STAY! See? Old dogs can learn new tricks! GOOD JOB!"
I feel better now, thank you, "BIG GRACE" for the soothing words. You're the best! - Wait there’s more of that maddening black/white thinking – let’s rephrase, shall we?
You're somewhere between the best and the worst - YOU ARE "GOOD ENOUGH"
*Yeah Right!*
Now take your meds and go get "All of you" in bed before all hell breaks loose again tonight!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Anyone? Anyone? Fellow *Survivors*?
I am not soliciting for money or advice. I'm simply asking for either your comments, or your suggestions... should you have any. If you do not, that's perfectly fine too. In fact, according to Marsha Linehan, everything is "ok" and should be "accepted" (Gotta accept it before you can change it, ya know).
I am struggling so much right now. My dissociation is worse than it's been in at least a year, and it is a constant fight to stay present. And let me be honest here, during these moments of hell on earth, I don't want to be present - so that makes the battle even more difficult.
Until October of 2008, dear therapist would email or text me nightly just to "check in". It stated back in 2007, the email. And she would answer email nightly (and that was not something we agreed upon - or planned - it simply *was*). Several nights we would have "email" conversations. Rarely did we speak on the phone. If she was not able to email, she would send me a text. Some nights it was an uplifting quote, sometimes just a phrase or a suggestion. But it was something every night. (And THIS we did agree upon).
In October, it stopped. At first she said it stopped because of my "unrealistic expectations" of her. Then she told me it was because she consulted with other clinicians...still later it became "I have my reasons". But in my mind, I connect this to when she began her relationship with her BF.
Here's how that played out: She emailed me one morning to tell me that she "was sorry, but would not be available by email for the rest of the day/night as she was spending sometime with someone and he had no internet access at his home." Because of my 'abandonment' issues, and past trauma history, I suddenly became a child and she was abandoning me for her boyfriend (which, my mother did several times) - and I had trouble digesting what she was telling me.
And now she has worked out this new little "arrangement". She will send me an email each Monday and Friday. Of course we have our "weekly sessions" and she said she will be available via phone until 10pm for "coaching" should I need her. Let me provide some additional "color" around the "phone availability". IF she is available she will answer. DT has her own practice, but in addition to that she works at a hospital, alternating between 3-4 nights per week. On the nights she is working at the hospital she will NOT be available to take phone calls, and she will not email (even though, before she did).
I understand that rationally this is something that should seem reasonable to me. But the past few months, I have not been 'rational' at night and when she doesn't respond to my email, or isn't available by phone, I throw childish temper tantrums. I know that I should be able to soothe myself, but it just isn't working right now. And my problem is that she used to be there for so long, and then suddenly she isn't. And I cannot break the connection between her retraction of support to her beginning relationship.
Last weekend was particularly tumultuous and in her email on Friday she told me she would be available for 'coaching' should I need her, call by 10pm. So on Saturday, I did call her. She didn't answer, and then I missed her call back. And on her call back message to me she said, "I'm going to bed, if you need me call me tomorrow". WHAT? Which only lead to more self-destructive behavior.
I did call her Sunday morning, and (I AM NOT JOKING!) a man picked up the phone, was talking to her (I could hear it in the background). So I hung up. I know my name comes across on her phone when I call - and I thought that was very unprofessional! Needless to say I didn't call her back!
I don't know what to do. I am so angry that she changed her "boundaries" so abruptly and as I said I cannot break the connection of how it all played out. I want to walk away - and yet I'm afraid to walk away. But the rage inside of me at her unavailability isn't healthy either.
Last week, she said to me, "Grace, what would you do for your daughter if she needed you and you weren't there?"
I told her I'D BE THERE! My mother was NEVER there for me, I'd be there!
"Well," DT says, "What if you couldn't be there? What would you do?"
"Well, DT," Grace says sarcastically, "I suppose I would give her a photo of me, and a recording of my voice...and then I would tell her that I am with her *in spirit*" Is that what you want to hear?????
Here's the deal, DT, let me explain this to you, since you have NO children of your own. If the school nurse calls, and tells me my daughter fell and has a compound fracture in her left arm, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be an acceptable answer to say, "Well, she has a picture of me in her backpack - give her that and I'll be there when I can...well, within the next 24 hours." WTF? And then I stormed out of her office with 20 minutes still left in the session.
And yet I keep going back - why? Am I some sort of sadomasochist who just wants to be TORTURED? Because it is seriously like reliving the past today. At night, when he is in the room, when I can see him there, feel him, smell him.....and I reach out and she isn't there (like she was for 2 years) then she is my biological mother - she is drunk and passed out while HER husband is fucking ME!
I know it's not fair to expect her to reparent me. But for those 2 years when she was there, I grew to trust her, and to depend on her....and she was there for me - no one was ever there for me. And then she says, "Too bad, Grace...my life changed and I can't do it anymore." (Yes, she really did say that."
I don't know what to do! *Grace throws up arms in despair*..... I don't know what to do. But I'm tired. I'm so exhausted - I can't remember when I've ever been this tired..... I feel so small and so weak....like someone could step on me like a bug. Why did she ever email me in the first place? Why didn't she "gradually" pull back her "support" - and explain it up front? I have all questions and no answers....
I feel like a plant she purchased and then forgot to put into the ground....wilted and dead! And it makes me hate her! It makes me hate her so much - for what I see as her manipulating me into trusting her! By being there for me. And that makes her so much worse than my bio mother - because she never lied - she told me she hated me and I was unwanted from the very beginning. DT spent two years convincing me that I do have worth, that I am needed, that she did care.... well, until she found someone to fuck! Then she did the same thing as the host body.
So obviously~ I am not worthy, I am not good enough, I will never be good enough.
I feel so low I need to reach up to touch the bottom - but I don't have the drive or the energy....
I am struggling so much right now. My dissociation is worse than it's been in at least a year, and it is a constant fight to stay present. And let me be honest here, during these moments of hell on earth, I don't want to be present - so that makes the battle even more difficult.
Until October of 2008, dear therapist would email or text me nightly just to "check in". It stated back in 2007, the email. And she would answer email nightly (and that was not something we agreed upon - or planned - it simply *was*). Several nights we would have "email" conversations. Rarely did we speak on the phone. If she was not able to email, she would send me a text. Some nights it was an uplifting quote, sometimes just a phrase or a suggestion. But it was something every night. (And THIS we did agree upon).
In October, it stopped. At first she said it stopped because of my "unrealistic expectations" of her. Then she told me it was because she consulted with other clinicians...still later it became "I have my reasons". But in my mind, I connect this to when she began her relationship with her BF.
Here's how that played out: She emailed me one morning to tell me that she "was sorry, but would not be available by email for the rest of the day/night as she was spending sometime with someone and he had no internet access at his home." Because of my 'abandonment' issues, and past trauma history, I suddenly became a child and she was abandoning me for her boyfriend (which, my mother did several times) - and I had trouble digesting what she was telling me.
And now she has worked out this new little "arrangement". She will send me an email each Monday and Friday. Of course we have our "weekly sessions" and she said she will be available via phone until 10pm for "coaching" should I need her. Let me provide some additional "color" around the "phone availability". IF she is available she will answer. DT has her own practice, but in addition to that she works at a hospital, alternating between 3-4 nights per week. On the nights she is working at the hospital she will NOT be available to take phone calls, and she will not email (even though, before she did).
I understand that rationally this is something that should seem reasonable to me. But the past few months, I have not been 'rational' at night and when she doesn't respond to my email, or isn't available by phone, I throw childish temper tantrums. I know that I should be able to soothe myself, but it just isn't working right now. And my problem is that she used to be there for so long, and then suddenly she isn't. And I cannot break the connection between her retraction of support to her beginning relationship.
Last weekend was particularly tumultuous and in her email on Friday she told me she would be available for 'coaching' should I need her, call by 10pm. So on Saturday, I did call her. She didn't answer, and then I missed her call back. And on her call back message to me she said, "I'm going to bed, if you need me call me tomorrow". WHAT? Which only lead to more self-destructive behavior.
I did call her Sunday morning, and (I AM NOT JOKING!) a man picked up the phone, was talking to her (I could hear it in the background). So I hung up. I know my name comes across on her phone when I call - and I thought that was very unprofessional! Needless to say I didn't call her back!
I don't know what to do. I am so angry that she changed her "boundaries" so abruptly and as I said I cannot break the connection of how it all played out. I want to walk away - and yet I'm afraid to walk away. But the rage inside of me at her unavailability isn't healthy either.
Last week, she said to me, "Grace, what would you do for your daughter if she needed you and you weren't there?"
I told her I'D BE THERE! My mother was NEVER there for me, I'd be there!
"Well," DT says, "What if you couldn't be there? What would you do?"
"Well, DT," Grace says sarcastically, "I suppose I would give her a photo of me, and a recording of my voice...and then I would tell her that I am with her *in spirit*" Is that what you want to hear?????
Here's the deal, DT, let me explain this to you, since you have NO children of your own. If the school nurse calls, and tells me my daughter fell and has a compound fracture in her left arm, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be an acceptable answer to say, "Well, she has a picture of me in her backpack - give her that and I'll be there when I can...well, within the next 24 hours." WTF? And then I stormed out of her office with 20 minutes still left in the session.
And yet I keep going back - why? Am I some sort of sadomasochist who just wants to be TORTURED? Because it is seriously like reliving the past today. At night, when he is in the room, when I can see him there, feel him, smell him.....and I reach out and she isn't there (like she was for 2 years) then she is my biological mother - she is drunk and passed out while HER husband is fucking ME!
I know it's not fair to expect her to reparent me. But for those 2 years when she was there, I grew to trust her, and to depend on her....and she was there for me - no one was ever there for me. And then she says, "Too bad, Grace...my life changed and I can't do it anymore." (Yes, she really did say that."
I don't know what to do! *Grace throws up arms in despair*..... I don't know what to do. But I'm tired. I'm so exhausted - I can't remember when I've ever been this tired..... I feel so small and so weak....like someone could step on me like a bug. Why did she ever email me in the first place? Why didn't she "gradually" pull back her "support" - and explain it up front? I have all questions and no answers....
I feel like a plant she purchased and then forgot to put into the ground....wilted and dead! And it makes me hate her! It makes me hate her so much - for what I see as her manipulating me into trusting her! By being there for me. And that makes her so much worse than my bio mother - because she never lied - she told me she hated me and I was unwanted from the very beginning. DT spent two years convincing me that I do have worth, that I am needed, that she did care.... well, until she found someone to fuck! Then she did the same thing as the host body.
So obviously~ I am not worthy, I am not good enough, I will never be good enough.
I feel so low I need to reach up to touch the bottom - but I don't have the drive or the energy....
Friday, May 22, 2009
Introducing Lydia Linehan!
Ms. Lydia Linehan!
DBT Lion Extraordinaire
The Estranged Sister of Marsha Marsha Marsha
(Told you there was a lion in the room~ Lydia is the lion that Marsha has been avoiding all these years...because Lydia knows the truth about DBT!)
Monday, April 27, 2009
I LOVE DBT and Marsha is a GENIUS! (I would totally drink the kool-aid if she offered it to me!)
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! CLOSE YOUR EYES! IT'S BURNING!!!!!!!!!!!! Quick! Someone pour some water on her to see if she melts! She won't leave, I've already hidden her broomstick!
That, my friends is opposite emotion. I'm so happy I learned that because I am BATHED in relief now!
But truly, someone could have just told me that DBT is "fake it till you feel it" therapy, it would have saved me a lot of time, energy and money.
See, you have to 'change' the emotions you don't 'want'. Just change them. If you're angry, then do the opposite. If you're sad, get dressed and get the hell out of your house!
See, everyone has a reason for doing something. And you should 'walk a mile in their shoes' so you can understand. Um...there's nothing to understand about a man who fucks children!
"Well, maybe he's crazy" - So the fuck what! I don't care! That doesn't make me less angry!
Apparently I'm failing this fucking class because I leave pissed off even if I arrive as suzi sunshine! Yes, I should be able to "step" into a pedophile/rapists shoes because then I'd be able to understand why they do what they do. And they do have a reason."We" just don't know what that reason is.
Yeah- well I had a "reason" for my self destructive behavior and escape from reality- but no one put themselves in my fucking shoes- I just get told to shut up and behave! I fucking hate all of it! Yes, her program works so well- I arrived at class tonight calm and relaxed - and when I left, I wanted to drive my car right into the rocky mountains!
TO ALL MPHs “NEWSFLASH”
Yes, the borderline is out of control again! Go figure! Too bad she didn't practice opposite emotion. *tsk, tsk* You know, she's starting to question things again, express her feelings, it must be time for a "medication adjustment" - or perhaps add abilify- that seems to be the "cure all" drug of the year! The 'prozac' of 2009.
Perhaps Marsha would like to walk a mile in my shoes, so she can feel what it's like to be a 5 year old and be ripped apart while a grown man (a man you should trust, feel safe with, a man who is your father) fucks you. I'll get a pair of heels out of the closet right now and set them out for her.
Stop on by, Marsha, I'll be here..."mindfully" awaiting your arrival!
Perhaps we can share some chamomile tea and you can borrow one of my hair barrettes. And then if we have time, we can go get your hair cut...and maybe a facial for you...cause DAMN! How about you take some time to "mindfully" attend to your appearance!
Lighten up, Marsha - it was just a joke! I was practicing "opposite emotion".
I feel hate for you and I wanted to call you the "C" word ~ but instead, I nicely offer to take you out for a makeover. How skillful am I? Your star pupil!
Oh, and Marsha, I want to make every effort to accommodate you when you're taking that mile hike in my heels. Let me know if you prefer: red, black, brown, gray...spiked or block, open ot close toed...patent leather is an option, but not in the brown. Oh ~ and I wear size 7- I hope that's okay with you.
And after your hike as *Grace,* I'd love to hear all about it ~ So if you could mindfully prepare a 'white' page (not a thesis - I know how theoretical you can be) I prefer logic (the real thing, not the opposite), and 300 words or less - I am NOT a dialectician, nor do I play one on TV, like you do. Tonight, Marsha-baby, we are playing by my rules. I "strongly encourage" you to have this report on my desk by end of day Friday.
*Half-Smile* to you, Sister Linehan.
Wisemindfully yours,
~ Grace
OOPS! It's opposite emotion day! How about "not a wise thought going through my crazy mind tonight" ~ Yes, that seems like a better fit...
That, my friends is opposite emotion. I'm so happy I learned that because I am BATHED in relief now!But truly, someone could have just told me that DBT is "fake it till you feel it" therapy, it would have saved me a lot of time, energy and money.
See, you have to 'change' the emotions you don't 'want'. Just change them. If you're angry, then do the opposite. If you're sad, get dressed and get the hell out of your house!
See, everyone has a reason for doing something. And you should 'walk a mile in their shoes' so you can understand. Um...there's nothing to understand about a man who fucks children!
"Well, maybe he's crazy" - So the fuck what! I don't care! That doesn't make me less angry!
Apparently I'm failing this fucking class because I leave pissed off even if I arrive as suzi sunshine! Yes, I should be able to "step" into a pedophile/rapists shoes because then I'd be able to understand why they do what they do. And they do have a reason."We" just don't know what that reason is.
Yeah- well I had a "reason" for my self destructive behavior and escape from reality- but no one put themselves in my fucking shoes- I just get told to shut up and behave! I fucking hate all of it! Yes, her program works so well- I arrived at class tonight calm and relaxed - and when I left, I wanted to drive my car right into the rocky mountains!
TO ALL MPHs “NEWSFLASH”
Yes, the borderline is out of control again! Go figure! Too bad she didn't practice opposite emotion. *tsk, tsk* You know, she's starting to question things again, express her feelings, it must be time for a "medication adjustment" - or perhaps add abilify- that seems to be the "cure all" drug of the year! The 'prozac' of 2009.
Perhaps Marsha would like to walk a mile in my shoes, so she can feel what it's like to be a 5 year old and be ripped apart while a grown man (a man you should trust, feel safe with, a man who is your father) fucks you. I'll get a pair of heels out of the closet right now and set them out for her.
Stop on by, Marsha, I'll be here..."mindfully" awaiting your arrival!
Perhaps we can share some chamomile tea and you can borrow one of my hair barrettes. And then if we have time, we can go get your hair cut...and maybe a facial for you...cause DAMN! How about you take some time to "mindfully" attend to your appearance!
Lighten up, Marsha - it was just a joke! I was practicing "opposite emotion".
I feel hate for you and I wanted to call you the "C" word ~ but instead, I nicely offer to take you out for a makeover. How skillful am I? Your star pupil!
Oh, and Marsha, I want to make every effort to accommodate you when you're taking that mile hike in my heels. Let me know if you prefer: red, black, brown, gray...spiked or block, open ot close toed...patent leather is an option, but not in the brown. Oh ~ and I wear size 7- I hope that's okay with you.
And after your hike as *Grace,* I'd love to hear all about it ~ So if you could mindfully prepare a 'white' page (not a thesis - I know how theoretical you can be) I prefer logic (the real thing, not the opposite), and 300 words or less - I am NOT a dialectician, nor do I play one on TV, like you do. Tonight, Marsha-baby, we are playing by my rules. I "strongly encourage" you to have this report on my desk by end of day Friday.
*Half-Smile* to you, Sister Linehan.
Wisemindfully yours,
~ Grace
OOPS! It's opposite emotion day! How about "not a wise thought going through my crazy mind tonight" ~ Yes, that seems like a better fit...
Friday, April 24, 2009
Emotion Regulation ~ Know Your Number...It could save your life!
The emotion regulation number, which can only be found in the ‘official DBT manual’, is a number between zero and 100 that represents the ideal number when the sympathetic and parasympathetic sides of your nervous system collide. In order to maintain the synthesis (or in DBT terms ~ the “dialectic”) between the two it is important to be aware of your number and at what point your frontal lobe stops working and you enter ‘fight or flight’ mode. Keep in mind that this number differs by individual.
Most of you know what I mean by ‘fight/flight’ mode. This is where your heart rate increases, as do your respiration and blood pressure, your pupils dilate and you may find yourself sweating and nauseous. It is at this point many mental patients will disassociate and enter into self destructive mode which has and can result in behavior that is frowned upon by the MHPs. Some examples include: excessive drinking, self harm (cutting/burning), suicidal thoughts, drunk dialing or emailing, or a variety of other behaviors *cough cough* that are inappropriate in the normalcy of society.
For example, if you awake to find yourself on the cold bathroom tiled floor with a razor blade loosely gripped in one hand, an empty bottle of scotch and surrounded by blood, with no recollection of what happened, you neglected to recognize your number. You missed your chance to regulate your emotions and avoid self destructive behavior (behavior that could send you straight to the loony bin should your T become aware!). Especially if you review your email/text messaging and find that your play by play has been ‘officially’ recorded.
TELL ME:
Do you feel like your life is unmanageable? (If not to you, to a close friend, partner, perhaps a trusted member of the MHP family?) Do you find yourself with more external than internal scars? Do you suffer from body memories, flashbacks from the past and a general sense of feeling ‘unsafe’?
If you answered yes to even one of the above questions, Emotion regulation is for you!
Your day, your emotion regulation number~ you get to decide: Your ideal emotion regulation number accounts for your individual acceptance of your past and your ability to keep yourself safe. By recognizing your number, you’ll find yourself feeling much more in control of yourself and your emotions. By recognizing this number you will know when you reach the point where you must utilize the skills you have learned in DBT class to regulate your own emotions, or reach out to a friend, a crisis hot line, or your own dear therapist (on the later, it must be before 10) but there are some 24 hours crisis lines….and of course the ER is always open 24/7.
SOME TESTIMONIALS for our 24 week program:
I suffered for years with self-destructive behavior and one night during a bout of insomnia, I saw the commercial for the ‘emotion regulation’ program and I thought, “Why not!?”. It was only a 24 week commitment and around $2000.00 ~ so what did I have to lose? I admit that my life was unmanageable before ‘emotion regulation’ but due to the constant flashbacks and body sensations I was having, I wasn’t able to exit fight/flight mode long enough to be rational. Now, I’m a cynical person, but I tried this program and it worked! I now know that I must pop in an Adam Sandler video when I start to feel anxious. I endorse the program 100%!
I’m a 52 ~ Molly (PTSD, clinical depression, general anxiety disorder)
WOW! A friend of mine told me about the ‘emotion regulation’ program and I tried it…and I had complete relief 24 weeks. It works THAT FAST! It has changed my life! I now keep a list of ‘emotion regulating’ suggestions in my back pocket and if my heart rate gets above 70, I whip that list out and within 10 minutes I’m ‘grounded’.
I’m a 49 ~ Trisha (Depression/Anxiety)
I have suffered from self destructive behavior and suicidal thoughts for years! I thought I went from 0-95 in 2 minutes! But now that I have ‘emotion regulation’ I realize that I must call a friend, or a crisis hot line BEFORE I take out the razor! I am proof that this program works! I have chamomile tea bags all over the house and when I feel my father’s body invading mine, I just whip out a tea bag, heat some water….and just like that – I am back down under 50. Thank you Marsha for marketing this program. It is truly a lifesaver! I haven't been arrested once since completing this program!
I’m a 63 ~ Amelia (PTSD, CSA survivor, ED, SIB, SI, ETOH abuse)
I tried to kill myself 3 times and my therapist recommended the ‘emotion regulation’ program. Now when I feel my depression overtaking me, and I want to swallow 100 sleeping pills, I just take out a meditation CD and do some stretches, while burning ‘relaxing’ incense. I have been on this program for nearly a year and I have not been forced into IP once since beginning the program. It works!
I’m a 68 ~ Lisa (depression, DID, SI, SIB)
Before I tried ‘emotion regulation’ my ‘emotional reaction would disrupt my cognitive processing and I was unable to self-soothe. I was in a continuous heightened state of arousal. My emotions were out of control and I was unable to tolerate distress. I ran from relationship to relationship, slept with more men than I can count, and spent my annual salary x2 in 4 months! And what did I have to show for it? 2 STDs, an unwanted pregnancy, credit card debt that I wasn’t able to pay, and loneliness and self-loathing… But NO MORE! Now I am able to identify my emotions before they become out of control and I end up in bed with some ogre only to hate myself in the morning. I am ‘emotionally regulated’ and it feels invigorating! I only wish I had known about this program before!
I’m a 76 ~ Lynn (BPD, depression, bi-polar)
Try our 24 week emotion regulation program today…if it doesn’t save you at least 1 emergency room visit, 10 bucks on band-aids, a ruptured esophagus, and 10 calls a week to a therapist or a crisis hot line…we’ll gladly refund your money! Order now and we’ll throw in a 4 ounce bottle of scar reducing cream and you’ll be wearing short sleeves by summer without embarrassing questions about your scars!
It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
Most of you know what I mean by ‘fight/flight’ mode. This is where your heart rate increases, as do your respiration and blood pressure, your pupils dilate and you may find yourself sweating and nauseous. It is at this point many mental patients will disassociate and enter into self destructive mode which has and can result in behavior that is frowned upon by the MHPs. Some examples include: excessive drinking, self harm (cutting/burning), suicidal thoughts, drunk dialing or emailing, or a variety of other behaviors *cough cough* that are inappropriate in the normalcy of society.
For example, if you awake to find yourself on the cold bathroom tiled floor with a razor blade loosely gripped in one hand, an empty bottle of scotch and surrounded by blood, with no recollection of what happened, you neglected to recognize your number. You missed your chance to regulate your emotions and avoid self destructive behavior (behavior that could send you straight to the loony bin should your T become aware!). Especially if you review your email/text messaging and find that your play by play has been ‘officially’ recorded.
TELL ME:
Do you feel like your life is unmanageable? (If not to you, to a close friend, partner, perhaps a trusted member of the MHP family?) Do you find yourself with more external than internal scars? Do you suffer from body memories, flashbacks from the past and a general sense of feeling ‘unsafe’?
If you answered yes to even one of the above questions, Emotion regulation is for you!
Your day, your emotion regulation number~ you get to decide: Your ideal emotion regulation number accounts for your individual acceptance of your past and your ability to keep yourself safe. By recognizing your number, you’ll find yourself feeling much more in control of yourself and your emotions. By recognizing this number you will know when you reach the point where you must utilize the skills you have learned in DBT class to regulate your own emotions, or reach out to a friend, a crisis hot line, or your own dear therapist (on the later, it must be before 10) but there are some 24 hours crisis lines….and of course the ER is always open 24/7.
SOME TESTIMONIALS for our 24 week program:
I suffered for years with self-destructive behavior and one night during a bout of insomnia, I saw the commercial for the ‘emotion regulation’ program and I thought, “Why not!?”. It was only a 24 week commitment and around $2000.00 ~ so what did I have to lose? I admit that my life was unmanageable before ‘emotion regulation’ but due to the constant flashbacks and body sensations I was having, I wasn’t able to exit fight/flight mode long enough to be rational. Now, I’m a cynical person, but I tried this program and it worked! I now know that I must pop in an Adam Sandler video when I start to feel anxious. I endorse the program 100%!
I’m a 52 ~ Molly (PTSD, clinical depression, general anxiety disorder)
WOW! A friend of mine told me about the ‘emotion regulation’ program and I tried it…and I had complete relief 24 weeks. It works THAT FAST! It has changed my life! I now keep a list of ‘emotion regulating’ suggestions in my back pocket and if my heart rate gets above 70, I whip that list out and within 10 minutes I’m ‘grounded’.
I’m a 49 ~ Trisha (Depression/Anxiety)
I have suffered from self destructive behavior and suicidal thoughts for years! I thought I went from 0-95 in 2 minutes! But now that I have ‘emotion regulation’ I realize that I must call a friend, or a crisis hot line BEFORE I take out the razor! I am proof that this program works! I have chamomile tea bags all over the house and when I feel my father’s body invading mine, I just whip out a tea bag, heat some water….and just like that – I am back down under 50. Thank you Marsha for marketing this program. It is truly a lifesaver! I haven't been arrested once since completing this program!
I’m a 63 ~ Amelia (PTSD, CSA survivor, ED, SIB, SI, ETOH abuse)
I tried to kill myself 3 times and my therapist recommended the ‘emotion regulation’ program. Now when I feel my depression overtaking me, and I want to swallow 100 sleeping pills, I just take out a meditation CD and do some stretches, while burning ‘relaxing’ incense. I have been on this program for nearly a year and I have not been forced into IP once since beginning the program. It works!
I’m a 68 ~ Lisa (depression, DID, SI, SIB)
Before I tried ‘emotion regulation’ my ‘emotional reaction would disrupt my cognitive processing and I was unable to self-soothe. I was in a continuous heightened state of arousal. My emotions were out of control and I was unable to tolerate distress. I ran from relationship to relationship, slept with more men than I can count, and spent my annual salary x2 in 4 months! And what did I have to show for it? 2 STDs, an unwanted pregnancy, credit card debt that I wasn’t able to pay, and loneliness and self-loathing… But NO MORE! Now I am able to identify my emotions before they become out of control and I end up in bed with some ogre only to hate myself in the morning. I am ‘emotionally regulated’ and it feels invigorating! I only wish I had known about this program before!
I’m a 76 ~ Lynn (BPD, depression, bi-polar)
Try our 24 week emotion regulation program today…if it doesn’t save you at least 1 emergency room visit, 10 bucks on band-aids, a ruptured esophagus, and 10 calls a week to a therapist or a crisis hot line…we’ll gladly refund your money! Order now and we’ll throw in a 4 ounce bottle of scar reducing cream and you’ll be wearing short sleeves by summer without embarrassing questions about your scars!
It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
DBT (Yes, again) Inspired by *Little Sheep*
Well, after a virtual conversation with Little Sheep, I have been inspired to share more about my “experience” with DBT.
Anyone who has read my posts about DBT know that I think the benefits of the program are…hum…NONE…well, occasionally, there is some humor involved…I’m still shocked at what people will share about themselves (IRL) with a group of others who don’t even know *last names*!
Anyway, I digress…
I actually connected with 1 group member; basically because she is a *free spirit* and shares a lot of personal information in class, and I do NOT, and so I ask questions based on her examples. She and I could not be more opposite, and I’m sure in real life we would not get along, but in class we do. So we sit together and there are times when we laugh, and, well, putting it politely, probably irritate the hell out of the “serious/quiet” group members. She has bi-polar II and chooses not to medicate, and she said early on that she tends to share too much with people she doesn’t know and not enough with those close to her.
A few weeks ago I walked in a few minutes late (is that considered “Therapy Interfering Behavior”?) – The bad part is I was actually THERE 20 minutes early, but sitting in my car reading and forgot the time! There are 7 “emotionally disregulated” group members. When I walked in, there was only 1 chair left and that was in-between the instructor and some chick I had never seen before – who was later introduced as the new “intern”. The instructor said to me, “Sit anywhere you like except by “my BP friend” – I couldn’t tell if she was joking, or not, so I was pissed about it. We went around the room and gave examples of “judgment vs. consequences” and I used that as my example. My BP friend about jumped out of her chair, but was quick to agree that it pissed her off too. I think the entire class was astounded that I said it – but it needed to be said. The instructor was quick to say that she was kidding and “validated” my feelings (she’s really big on that!). But she did not negate the fact that someone had complained about BP and I disrupting the class. I told her I would “shut up & behave” because the last thing I wanted to do was prevent someone from “learning”….
That lead to a class conversation about “what hinders you from learning and participating in class”. I said, “Confidentiality” – and went on to explain that I wasn’t comfortable with the new intern taking notes in class on a paper that had everyone’s last names on it. Of course, I prefaced my comment with “no offense” (always sure to put someone on the defensive). Intern asked if she could respond to my comment…feel free! She said that she’s “bound by the same contract” as instructor. Again, no offense, but you’re a college student and why should I believe you. A couple of other people agreed with me about her having our information. At least it was an interesting class…..
I’ve been pissed off ever since. So last week, during the “meditation”~ brought to you by none other than “Marsha Marsha Marsha” herself – I was texting on my phone (very quietly). After the ‘weekly meditations’ we go around the room (we do that a lot) and “share our experience” about what we “felt” during “meditation time”. So a group member, when it was her turn to “share”, looked at me and said, “No offense, but I think we need to have a no cell phone/texting policy while in class”…here we go with the “no offense” phrase again…. So I responded, “No offense taken, I realized it was disrespectful when I was doing it, I just decided I didn’t care.”
Now, normally, I’m a “rule follower” ~ I follow rules, I respect others, but I was just up to here *hand at top of forehead* with the meditation bullshit – like who can *think* about the skin between their nose and upper lip for 5 minutes! Give me a break.
If you’re still with me, read this next part very carefully: The instructor told that group member, “I want you to be less vulnerable to what others are doing, and more in tune with yourself.” She did NOT say one word about me texting in class! I’m still laughing about that!
What it comes down to for me is this: Marsha Linehan developed this “Therapy” (and I use the term “therapy” even though I don’t think it is “therapy”) and if you do research on Ms. Linehan you’ll find that she grew up in the Cleaver home, never married, no children, was a NUN before she became a “world renowned psychologist who can “heal” those who have been diagnosed with *whisper* BPD.
Here’s my 2-cents, for what it’s worth: I came from a home where my mother HATED me, and validated that hate on a regular basis, I was physically and sexually assaulted by my step-father for 10 years and threatened if I were to tell, I was raped twice as a teen and an adult, once at knife-point. I now have a husband, 2 children and a very stressful full-time job and I don’t have time to “sit and watch my feelings go by” and place them in labeled buckets for hours a day when my kids are picking up a goldfish and throwing it back in the bowl just to see how the skin on the damn fish feels! All the while dealing with the 10 different people inside of me fighting each other, and the constant video feed from my past looping in my head.
If, God forbid, Marsha Linehan, was raped at knifepoint after suffering years of constant abuse ~ I wonder how *mindfulness* would work out for her? If she had a family and a full-time job, I wonder how much time she would have to sit and meditate and *watch* her GD feelings and place them in labeled f-ing buckets? Quid pro quo Marsha, tell me how helpful your f-ing DBT would be then!!!!!
*This*, what I’m living, is real life! And I don’t need a fucking nun, who has NEVER experienced abuse first hand, to tell me how to *mindfully* deal with the flashbacks and body memories of my step-father raping me day after day, and year after year!
D - Dense
B – barren
T –therapy
Hey – I have an idea….. HOW ABOUT YOU ASK THE ABUSED WHAT WOULD BE HELPFUL?
Anyone who has read my posts about DBT know that I think the benefits of the program are…hum…NONE…well, occasionally, there is some humor involved…I’m still shocked at what people will share about themselves (IRL) with a group of others who don’t even know *last names*!
Anyway, I digress…
I actually connected with 1 group member; basically because she is a *free spirit* and shares a lot of personal information in class, and I do NOT, and so I ask questions based on her examples. She and I could not be more opposite, and I’m sure in real life we would not get along, but in class we do. So we sit together and there are times when we laugh, and, well, putting it politely, probably irritate the hell out of the “serious/quiet” group members. She has bi-polar II and chooses not to medicate, and she said early on that she tends to share too much with people she doesn’t know and not enough with those close to her.
A few weeks ago I walked in a few minutes late (is that considered “Therapy Interfering Behavior”?) – The bad part is I was actually THERE 20 minutes early, but sitting in my car reading and forgot the time! There are 7 “emotionally disregulated” group members. When I walked in, there was only 1 chair left and that was in-between the instructor and some chick I had never seen before – who was later introduced as the new “intern”. The instructor said to me, “Sit anywhere you like except by “my BP friend” – I couldn’t tell if she was joking, or not, so I was pissed about it. We went around the room and gave examples of “judgment vs. consequences” and I used that as my example. My BP friend about jumped out of her chair, but was quick to agree that it pissed her off too. I think the entire class was astounded that I said it – but it needed to be said. The instructor was quick to say that she was kidding and “validated” my feelings (she’s really big on that!). But she did not negate the fact that someone had complained about BP and I disrupting the class. I told her I would “shut up & behave” because the last thing I wanted to do was prevent someone from “learning”….
That lead to a class conversation about “what hinders you from learning and participating in class”. I said, “Confidentiality” – and went on to explain that I wasn’t comfortable with the new intern taking notes in class on a paper that had everyone’s last names on it. Of course, I prefaced my comment with “no offense” (always sure to put someone on the defensive). Intern asked if she could respond to my comment…feel free! She said that she’s “bound by the same contract” as instructor. Again, no offense, but you’re a college student and why should I believe you. A couple of other people agreed with me about her having our information. At least it was an interesting class…..
I’ve been pissed off ever since. So last week, during the “meditation”~ brought to you by none other than “Marsha Marsha Marsha” herself – I was texting on my phone (very quietly). After the ‘weekly meditations’ we go around the room (we do that a lot) and “share our experience” about what we “felt” during “meditation time”. So a group member, when it was her turn to “share”, looked at me and said, “No offense, but I think we need to have a no cell phone/texting policy while in class”…here we go with the “no offense” phrase again…. So I responded, “No offense taken, I realized it was disrespectful when I was doing it, I just decided I didn’t care.”
Now, normally, I’m a “rule follower” ~ I follow rules, I respect others, but I was just up to here *hand at top of forehead* with the meditation bullshit – like who can *think* about the skin between their nose and upper lip for 5 minutes! Give me a break.
If you’re still with me, read this next part very carefully: The instructor told that group member, “I want you to be less vulnerable to what others are doing, and more in tune with yourself.” She did NOT say one word about me texting in class! I’m still laughing about that!
What it comes down to for me is this: Marsha Linehan developed this “Therapy” (and I use the term “therapy” even though I don’t think it is “therapy”) and if you do research on Ms. Linehan you’ll find that she grew up in the Cleaver home, never married, no children, was a NUN before she became a “world renowned psychologist who can “heal” those who have been diagnosed with *whisper* BPD.
Here’s my 2-cents, for what it’s worth: I came from a home where my mother HATED me, and validated that hate on a regular basis, I was physically and sexually assaulted by my step-father for 10 years and threatened if I were to tell, I was raped twice as a teen and an adult, once at knife-point. I now have a husband, 2 children and a very stressful full-time job and I don’t have time to “sit and watch my feelings go by” and place them in labeled buckets for hours a day when my kids are picking up a goldfish and throwing it back in the bowl just to see how the skin on the damn fish feels! All the while dealing with the 10 different people inside of me fighting each other, and the constant video feed from my past looping in my head.
If, God forbid, Marsha Linehan, was raped at knifepoint after suffering years of constant abuse ~ I wonder how *mindfulness* would work out for her? If she had a family and a full-time job, I wonder how much time she would have to sit and meditate and *watch* her GD feelings and place them in labeled f-ing buckets? Quid pro quo Marsha, tell me how helpful your f-ing DBT would be then!!!!!
*This*, what I’m living, is real life! And I don’t need a fucking nun, who has NEVER experienced abuse first hand, to tell me how to *mindfully* deal with the flashbacks and body memories of my step-father raping me day after day, and year after year!
D - Dense
B – barren
T –therapy
Hey – I have an idea….. HOW ABOUT YOU ASK THE ABUSED WHAT WOULD BE HELPFUL?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA
I seem to have a lot of animosity directed toward Marsha Linehan. I think this animosity is a result of several things.
First, and foremost, I don’t agree with DBT. I think it’s basically an expensive way to teach people to shut up and behave by utilizing basic common sense techniques, and adding philosophy and theology – filled with riddles and contradictions. And I find it almost funny, in a ‘DBT half-smile’ kind of way, that Ms. Linehan was never abused, never married, never had children, and was a NUN. And she’s going to teach me how to deal with “pressure”? Come on! I suppose it’s easy for her to “mindfully” wash a dish since she lives alone, I mean, she’s as dry as a bone that has been aged in the desert, so although she claims to be an *expert* in ‘interpersonal skills’, I’m guessing she doesn’t have many friends knocking down her door for companionship and conversation. Now, those of us who have a job, children that need help with homework, dinner to cook, a husband to ‘cater’ too, a house to be cleaned…well, speaking for myself, I really don’t have much time to *mindfully* wash a dish. And anyway, isn’t that why the dishwasher was invented?
And of course the MHPs bought it! It’s packed full of philosophical and spiritual bullshit ~ such a simple, simple program, but so convoluted – Wow! It must be really GREAT!
The sound of her voice, and the hair barrette, my God the hair barrette, it’s like fingernails down a chalkboard for me! But I committed to the DBT classes, and since I gave my word, I will “mindfully” finish the classes. And I will do it for 2 reasons:
I gave my word
The humor I take away from the classes each week, and it is substantial!
But no one will EVER convince me that DBT is anything other than a philosophized, spiritual program to teach COMMON SENSE!
First, and foremost, I don’t agree with DBT. I think it’s basically an expensive way to teach people to shut up and behave by utilizing basic common sense techniques, and adding philosophy and theology – filled with riddles and contradictions. And I find it almost funny, in a ‘DBT half-smile’ kind of way, that Ms. Linehan was never abused, never married, never had children, and was a NUN. And she’s going to teach me how to deal with “pressure”? Come on! I suppose it’s easy for her to “mindfully” wash a dish since she lives alone, I mean, she’s as dry as a bone that has been aged in the desert, so although she claims to be an *expert* in ‘interpersonal skills’, I’m guessing she doesn’t have many friends knocking down her door for companionship and conversation. Now, those of us who have a job, children that need help with homework, dinner to cook, a husband to ‘cater’ too, a house to be cleaned…well, speaking for myself, I really don’t have much time to *mindfully* wash a dish. And anyway, isn’t that why the dishwasher was invented?
And of course the MHPs bought it! It’s packed full of philosophical and spiritual bullshit ~ such a simple, simple program, but so convoluted – Wow! It must be really GREAT!
The sound of her voice, and the hair barrette, my God the hair barrette, it’s like fingernails down a chalkboard for me! But I committed to the DBT classes, and since I gave my word, I will “mindfully” finish the classes. And I will do it for 2 reasons:
I gave my word
The humor I take away from the classes each week, and it is substantial!
But no one will EVER convince me that DBT is anything other than a philosophized, spiritual program to teach COMMON SENSE!
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