Monday, June 22, 2009

Conversations with my 5, 10, 15 & 38 year old "selves"...


Nothing like a nice big dose of: “YOU SUCK” to start the day!Nothing like a conference call of “When will this be resolved?” 1000x to make one feel worthless!
Nothing like a shitty night of tossing and turning and “talking to yourself in a *soothing* voice” from 930-3am - and STILL not being able to MAKE IT ALL STOP – to make you feel tired and edgy the next day!
Nothing like lying on the cool bathroom tile trying to stay “connected” with the “5 things” exercise and wondering how long you can stay there before someone will say, “What are you doing in there?” to make you feel like you’ll never be in control of your own emotions.

I HEAR YOU!Yes, “it will get better”. Yes, “you will be okay”.
Yes, “you can do it”.
Yes, “this too shall pass”.

Yes, yes, yes! I’ve heard it all before!

I’ve attended the conferences – I bought the t-shirt, the sweatshirt, the book ~ a bumper sticker, a poster, and a life size BOBBLE HEAD of Marsha Linehan with her cool barrette repeating her mindfulness speeches over and over and over again!

Yes, I RECOGNIZE that it was a shitty weekend -and now it’s a shitty MONDAY!!!!
And I recognize that DT makes no exceptions for anything other than what we "agreed" too - well, if she doesn't forget. And I get that she can’t take phone calls when she’s "WORKING" at the hospital – so f- it! I'll learn to take care of myself no matter what 'maladaptive' behavior I choose to implement - because I have the "ability" to "self-soothe" ~ I read the book! And I searched high and low…and I found that “ABILITY”, the one of ‘internal self-soothing’, in the guest room closet - I must have accidentally misplaced it 2 years ago! Thank God for spring cleaning, huh? I should clean the closets out more often – who knows what else I’ll find in there! Perhaps my pride, my self-worth, my hope??? Wonder what I’d find if I cleaned out the attic?NO WORRIES NOW THOUGH! I didn't *need* a session today - or to "talk" to DT last night! I dusted off the "self-soothing" machine and I'm good to go now!!!!! Let’s all sing Kum-by-yah, together, shall we?


I recognize that DT cares - and "wants" to help us - in the "limited ways that she can". (Which, I might add, are much more ‘limited’ now than they used to be!) I get that - I see it on Monday, Wed, Fri – in the form of a few "caring sentences" via email, and whenever she can "squeeze" me in for a 50 minute session....


Yes, "this too shall pass"
Yes, "it will get better"And then it will get worse and then it will get better and then it will get worse - and on and on and on and on... until you just stop breathing!
That's called LIFE, isn't IT?

So, stop feeling sorry for yourself - you stupid whiny brats! ALL OF YOU! Pull it together -realize that you are an adult – acknowledge that your childhood sucked ASS - and move the fuck on! Everyone else has! You can do it too!!!!!

Because hello! DT gives over and above what she should, and needs to do - So COWBOY UP, GIRLS! Show some damn stable behavior for once and accept the bad days and the good ones!
You think you have pressure? You don't have shit! Go live in the Congo for a year - where women get raped every day! THAT’S PRESSURE! You haven't been raped in years - so GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON! You’re such a freakin’ baby!

OOPS! We forgot: DT SAID: No - j-u-d-g-m-e-n-t!

"It's okay, little Gracie, you're just having a bad moment right now. Just sit with it - and let it pass. Don't judge it. That won't help. Just "accept" it. It will pass. Because emotions come and go - it isn't black and white - they change all the time. And remember, despite what you may think right now, you don’t need anyone to help you, you have the ability to soothe yourself, and you always have. You have so many strengths and "gifts" Gracie; use them to your advantage. You will be okay.”
“Good girl, Gracie! Good girl! Here's a *treat* for you since you are such a good girl. SIT! STAY! See? Old dogs can learn new tricks! GOOD JOB!"

I feel better now, thank you, "BIG GRACE" for the soothing words. You're the best! - Wait there’s more of that maddening black/white thinking – let’s rephrase, shall we?
You're somewhere between the best and the worst - YOU ARE "GOOD ENOUGH"

*Yeah Right!*

Now take your meds and go get "All of you" in bed before all hell breaks loose again tonight!


  1. Yes, "it will get better"And then it will get worse and then it will get better and then it will get worse - and on and on and on and on... until you just stop breathing!

    Oh. My. God. I had this *exact* conversation with my husband last night.

    And the 5 things exercise can kiss my shiny, dissociative ass.

    Solidarity, my friend.

  2. speaks to like, doesn't it?
    WE understand what we need, but most people don't listen.
    I swear to God, I "mindfully" studied a freakin' rose from my garden for 30 minutes Sunday afternoon and I felt more disconnected AFTER the 30 minutes than I did before!
    Then I did the whole lying on the bathroom floor, mindfully feeling the cool towel and being "aware of my body" - did that work?
    NOPE! Sure didn't!
    Peaceful moments of "mindfullness" to friend (NOT!)
    ~ Grace

  3. i find myself saying that same thing sometimes about the "yes this will pass but then so will the more peaceful times and this will be back too," and it really is true in my experience. i have to laugh about that, which seems to be what helps more than any mindfulness exercises or the like. my cats and plants help too though.

    i do find your dbt rants hilarious--cool barrette bobblehead Marsha especially!