Friday, June 19, 2009
So...I messed up last week, but I didn't tell anyone...I didn't tell because I am not a "manipulate" or "attention seeking"...SU&B
The past couple of weeks, DT and I have had some discussions about the comorbidity of C-PTSD and BPD. And although she said she would not diagnose me as BPD, I do have some of the traits. And I will agree that some of the traits are woven within my persona ~ with the intense anger, changing of moods frequently, self-destructive behavior, suicide ideation. And I read this book, that DT said she was reading~ PTSD/Borderlines in Therapy...and the author says that cutting and "threats of suicide" are not serious, are only done for "attention" and is a form of "manipulation" ~ that if therapists respond, it only reinforces the patient to repeat the behavior.
So now if I SI I'm afraid to tell DT - because I'm afraid she'll think I'm only doing it because I'm attention seeking, which is NOT the truth. Last Monday night, I SI'd...I was overwhelmed with the intense emotional pain inside of me and the only way to make it go away is to dissociate and cut. So I found myself alone, around 10 pm, and I took a razor and cut my side. And then I lay on the bathroom floor begging for someone (even though no one was there) to help me, to make it stop...the pain, the feelings, the memories...all of it, just make it stop. And eventually I got up, cleaned up the pool of blood that I was laying in, bandaged my side, and went to bed.
But I didn't tell PDOC, and I didn't tell DT...because I didn't want them to think I did it for attention. I didn't do it for attention. I did it to make it stop. I needed it to stop so I could go to sleep - I just wanted it to stop.
But she may think I did it to "manipulate" her, or to get her attention...so I didn't tell her. She didn't ask me so I didn't tell her. I'm not attention seeking or manipulative! I can handle the pain, even if I do end up cutting - all by myself and I don't need to "cry" out to her for her help, she hasn't said that I do it for attention - but I'm sure it's in the back of her head.
I didn't do it for "attention" - I needed it to stop! I needed everyone to shut up and needed the pain to stop so I could sleep. And it did. For the night....