Saturday, June 13, 2009

I am "GRACE" ... I am NOT a *label* - I am not a "text book case* Call me Grace!

Emotion regulation sux! And it’s hard! And I'm tired! And I don't really care if you believe anything I say- it doesn't matter to me- I mean, I'm not *doubting* that you "care" I know you do... It’s not like you haven’t put up with a lot of BS from me and my irrational, angry, willful selves... I recognize that. I know that.

I couldn't sleep last night despite the seroquel I had taken - it was so hard to try to stay present, in my body, but I went to bed. And I kept telling myself that I was "okay". I took dear husband's hand and held it close to mine squeezing it while I kept talking to myself. “You are okay…you are an adult, this is your home, this is your bed, this is your husband. You are not back there, this is not him, you are not her. DT is not the host body. You are okay. You are okay. There’s no need to cry, you’re safe now.” DH was asleep- he had no idea I was squeezing his hand, tears streaming down my cheeks while I was softly talking, trying to soothe myself.

I'm not having a good night tonight. Not in an irrational, "I hate DT and myself" kind of way... More like a "defeated", sad kind of way. DT suggested I read this book called, “PTSD/borderlines in Therapy…finding the balance” author: Dr. Jerome Kroll. And it feels like I’m going to be treated at like a borderline no matter what I say now- and I don't think that's the answer. I've made some connections in the past 2 weeks, I think. I can see why I was behaving the way I was- I continually tell myself, "make a different choice"- and it does help sometimes. But it still hurts- it still feels like no one really understands what I feel. And it pisses me off because the book I read by Dr. Dusty Miller, “Women who hurt themselves” states the treatment program for CSA survivors is the complete opposite from the treatment plan that Dr Kroll thinks is effective. *huge sigh*…

I don't know- I sometimes wonder if it even matters anymore. Does it? I mean DT’s done a LOT - like way a lot, and I have moments when I'm okay- but I'm kind of disappointed in that book- like it doesn't feel right- it isn't me, and it’s all so subjective, and then I wonder if there's really anything that will make it go away- it still seems as though no one understands how to treat “us”…it’s all so biased and opinion based, I don't like that. Not in a black/white way, either- that's not what I mean- it’s just that no one gets it- all the studies are based on "inpatient" studies. Most of the women are unemployed, welfare recipients, never held a job, never had a stable relationship- that isn't me. It’s not me. I’m not singing "woe is me" I was abused so society owes me, and should take care of me. I'm not that woman. I've worked hard to get where I am! I've worked since I was 13 years old! I worked 2 jobs to pay for college, 1 full-time, 1 part time. I paid my own way and I never felt sorry for myself! I never expected anyone to give me a "hand out". I never accepted anything I didn't "earn". I'm not that woman! I don't have a chronic illness that keeps me from working. I show up, and I perform! In fact, I’m considered a “senior executive”. I've never let my emotions or my "feelings" interfere with my job/career. I can stand up and give a presentation in front of 300 people and never let them see me sweat! If you talk to any of the 280 people who work in my office, they will tell you that I am hard working, professional, respectful and respected! I'm not that woman! I am successful, intelligent, educated, and by o’bama's standards, "upper class"- I can, and always have, taken care of myself- provided for myself- paid my own bills- and consider myself an honest, giving woman. I am not that girl! I don't have a sense of "entitlement" - I know where I came from, and I fought my way out of that- and I am not that woman!

I've made mistakes, done things I shouldn't have done, but we all have regrets- mine are probably no different than yours or anyone else's. But I was never, am not now, nor will I ever be that woman! I will continue to work hard, I will continue to depend on myself and fight as hard as I need too- and I will never, ever, ever, be that woman.

You, society, my so-called “parents”, obama... Owe me nothing! I don't want a "hand out" I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me- I don't want to depend on anyone- I will pay my own way, no matter what! And I am not a label, I am not psychotic, I am not a "borderline" I am not a statistic. I am a person! I am ME! My childhood was less than ideal, my mother hates me, my s-father used me as his toy- but I am not that woman. I knew from the time I was 5 years old that I was better than them, that one day I would get out, and that NO ONE would ever know where I came from. I do not have a sense of *entitlement* or think anyone owes me anything! I am not that woman! Even in my darkest, most depressed moments- even when I act like a child, even when dissociate, do things I don't remember doing, even when I'm 5 again- I will always, always, always- be honest, successful, independent and caring. And I will not be that woman!

And frankly, I don't care what DT, or anyone she consults with thinks. I am strong, successful- hard-working and honest. I came from nothing and I've made something out of my life! And it matters not to me that some pretentious psychiatrist thinks that based on some limited, biased studies- publishes a book that states claims on how "borderlines" should be treated- I know what's best for me- and no matter what - I will be okay- and although I will never forgive them for how they treated me, I also know that I fought so hard to get where I am because of it. Me! I am a college educated, articulate, intelligent, successful woman- I am respected- I am a good person. I am beautiful, I am funny, I have friends who care about me!

I am not that woman!

I am GRACE! I’m not a number, or a diagnosis, or a ‘label’ I am Grace…my favorite color is pink. I love to sing and dance to “Girls just want to have fun” with my beautiful red-head daughter. I love it when my son tells me he loves me in private but not in public because he’s at that “age”. I love it when my husband tells me I’m more beautiful now than I was the day we were married, and I love cuddling with my big ole’ puppy. I love making people laugh…I love the smell in the air after a rainfall…and the smell of clean laundry. I sleep with feather pillows, and I have a blanket I have slept with since I was a kid. I am Grace ! I am not “the borderline” or the “CSA survivor” or the “psychotic patient”… I have several people living inside of me, but I am still Grace. Call me Grace! Don’t call me “the borderline” or the “victim of child abuse” or the “CSA survivor”…don’t feel sorry for me, or pity me. I am Grace; I am a strong, successful, confident woman.

I am Grace!


  1. Grace, you are awesome! Your strength is inspiring. :)

  2. I love hearing about your strength like this and it really seems like you've fought hard to hold on to who you are. not easy sometimes.

    I also wanted to say that I read the Dusty Miller book and I think she's got it dead-on with her understanding of how all these things fit together and how we should be treated. I haven't read the other book you mentioned but it sounds off-base.

  3. Amen, sister, amen. This is so inspiring. <3

  4. Yes you are Grace and a very accomplished woman. I'm sorry that you were made to feel otherwise that is hard.

    It's amazing how we can keep it together in front of others isn't it? I just hope I continue to do so...hugs!