Monday, June 1, 2009

Anyone? Anyone? Fellow *Survivors*?

I am not soliciting for money or advice. I'm simply asking for either your comments, or your suggestions... should you have any. If you do not, that's perfectly fine too. In fact, according to Marsha Linehan, everything is "ok" and should be "accepted" (Gotta accept it before you can change it, ya know).

I am struggling so much right now. My dissociation is worse than it's been in at least a year, and it is a constant fight to stay present. And let me be honest here, during these moments of hell on earth, I don't want to be present - so that makes the battle even more difficult.

Until October of 2008, dear therapist would email or text me nightly just to "check in". It stated back in 2007, the email. And she would answer email nightly (and that was not something we agreed upon - or planned - it simply *was*). Several nights we would have "email" conversations. Rarely did we speak on the phone. If she was not able to email, she would send me a text. Some nights it was an uplifting quote, sometimes just a phrase or a suggestion. But it was something every night. (And THIS we did agree upon).

In October, it stopped. At first she said it stopped because of my "unrealistic expectations" of her. Then she told me it was because she consulted with other clinicians...still later it became "I have my reasons". But in my mind, I connect this to when she began her relationship with her BF.

Here's how that played out: She emailed me one morning to tell me that she "was sorry, but would not be available by email for the rest of the day/night as she was spending sometime with someone and he had no internet access at his home." Because of my 'abandonment' issues, and past trauma history, I suddenly became a child and she was abandoning me for her boyfriend (which, my mother did several times) - and I had trouble digesting what she was telling me.

And now she has worked out this new little "arrangement". She will send me an email each Monday and Friday. Of course we have our "weekly sessions" and she said she will be available via phone until 10pm for "coaching" should I need her. Let me provide some additional "color" around the "phone availability". IF she is available she will answer. DT has her own practice, but in addition to that she works at a hospital, alternating between 3-4 nights per week. On the nights she is working at the hospital she will NOT be available to take phone calls, and she will not email (even though, before she did).

I understand that rationally this is something that should seem reasonable to me. But the past few months, I have not been 'rational' at night and when she doesn't respond to my email, or isn't available by phone, I throw childish temper tantrums. I know that I should be able to soothe myself, but it just isn't working right now. And my problem is that she used to be there for so long, and then suddenly she isn't. And I cannot break the connection between her retraction of support to her beginning relationship.

Last weekend was particularly tumultuous and in her email on Friday she told me she would be available for 'coaching' should I need her, call by 10pm. So on Saturday, I did call her. She didn't answer, and then I missed her call back. And on her call back message to me she said, "I'm going to bed, if you need me call me tomorrow". WHAT? Which only lead to more self-destructive behavior.

I did call her Sunday morning, and (I AM NOT JOKING!) a man picked up the phone, was talking to her (I could hear it in the background). So I hung up. I know my name comes across on her phone when I call - and I thought that was very unprofessional! Needless to say I didn't call her back!

I don't know what to do. I am so angry that she changed her "boundaries" so abruptly and as I said I cannot break the connection of how it all played out. I want to walk away - and yet I'm afraid to walk away. But the rage inside of me at her unavailability isn't healthy either.

Last week, she said to me, "Grace, what would you do for your daughter if she needed you and you weren't there?"

I told her I'D BE THERE! My mother was NEVER there for me, I'd be there!

"Well," DT says, "What if you couldn't be there? What would you do?"

"Well, DT," Grace says sarcastically, "I suppose I would give her a photo of me, and a recording of my voice...and then I would tell her that I am with her *in spirit*" Is that what you want to hear?????

Here's the deal, DT, let me explain this to you, since you have NO children of your own. If the school nurse calls, and tells me my daughter fell and has a compound fracture in her left arm, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be an acceptable answer to say, "Well, she has a picture of me in her backpack - give her that and I'll be there when I can...well, within the next 24 hours." WTF? And then I stormed out of her office with 20 minutes still left in the session.

And yet I keep going back - why? Am I some sort of sadomasochist who just wants to be TORTURED? Because it is seriously like reliving the past today. At night, when he is in the room, when I can see him there, feel him, smell him.....and I reach out and she isn't there (like she was for 2 years) then she is my biological mother - she is drunk and passed out while HER husband is fucking ME!

I know it's not fair to expect her to reparent me. But for those 2 years when she was there, I grew to trust her, and to depend on her....and she was there for me - no one was ever there for me. And then she says, "Too bad, life changed and I can't do it anymore." (Yes, she really did say that."

I don't know what to do! *Grace throws up arms in despair*..... I don't know what to do. But I'm tired. I'm so exhausted - I can't remember when I've ever been this tired..... I feel so small and so someone could step on me like a bug. Why did she ever email me in the first place? Why didn't she "gradually" pull back her "support" - and explain it up front? I have all questions and no answers....

I feel like a plant she purchased and then forgot to put into the ground....wilted and dead! And it makes me hate her! It makes me hate her so much - for what I see as her manipulating me into trusting her! By being there for me. And that makes her so much worse than my bio mother - because she never lied - she told me she hated me and I was unwanted from the very beginning. DT spent two years convincing me that I do have worth, that I am needed, that she did care.... well, until she found someone to fuck! Then she did the same thing as the host body.

So obviously~ I am not worthy, I am not good enough, I will never be good enough.

I feel so low I need to reach up to touch the bottom - but I don't have the drive or the energy....


  1. Grace, I'm so sorry. I wish I had something good to tell you. I don't. But I just want you to know that I'm still thinking about you. Is there anyone else you can turn to at night? Your husband? A friend?

  2. I don't have anything terribly helpful to suggest--I've felt some of these feelings and haven't really been able to fight them that well. Sometimes if I make an effort to see what my therapist IS trying to do for me instead of what she isn't, that can help. But my situation didn't involve that kind of sudden huge shift than yours did so it might not be relevant.

    But one thing I was thinking about when I read this is that part where you ask if you're masochistically torturing yourself struck me. Though I doubt it's as extreme as that, I wonder if there is any way in which you could be drawn to this scene of rejection/abandoning? I say this because I know I sometimes am. I even sometimes make it hard for my therapist to help me--like if I don't pick up the phone when she calls (maybe even if I could pick it up at the time) and then will feel rejected if I can't get hold of her later. I don't realize I'm doing it at the time. And even if I'm not doing anything like that, I still notice that I feel attracted to scenes of rejection I guess because they feel familiar. Trying to notice this makes it a little easier to keep from getting drawn into these patters (but I still do it some).

    I hope something starts to help--whatever it is--no one deserves to suffer like this.

  3. Dear one, all I can say is that I am here with you and listening....

    ((((safe hugs))))

  4. Hey Tracy, My husband gets up so early, and so he goes to bed @ 830 - my *bad* time typically begins around 10pm - what time zone are you in :-)

    eeabee, Thanks for the insight...and boy, do I act so defiant and fact, there have been many nights when I wait until 9:50 to call her, knowind darn well her 'deadline' is 10pm...but I'm just so angry @ her new guidelines and I can't seem to accept them - since it brings up so much for me :-(.

    JBR ~ As always.... thank you... (Heart) Gracie

  5. Hey Grace, I am Eastern. And I hate to say this, but I'm usually in bed between 9 and 10 or I turn into a mess. :)

  6. Sounds like you and I are a lot alike with respect to that, huh?

  7. Oops, Grace! I accidentally gave the wrong impression... I meant a mess the next day! Sorry!