Thursday, June 18, 2009

I don't have to do it anymore...that's what she said...

Today DT asked me about self-injury, one of my very favorite avoid! She asked me why I cut myself. And I gave her a typical "BPD" response, "I cut myself for attention and to manipulate you into *rescuing* me."

DT asked me why I do that - use deflection to avoid a *real* discussion.

Maybe because it's too painful to talk about. But today, DT wasn't satisfied with that answer. Again, she asked me to tell her what happens before it gets to that point...
And I told her. There are many nights when I am so scared, in so much internal pain, that I dissociate and then there are 3 different voices inside my head. "Don't Hurt me!" "I'm going to hurt you because you are bad and you deserve to be hurt." "There's nothing I can do to stop it." And at that point I can't stop it. And when I feel the sting of the razor slicing through my skin, when I see the blood begin to pool on the floor, I cry and I let it all go...and then I feel better, like I can sleep.
DT said to me today, "You have to hurt yourself before you can sleep now, just as he hurt you before you could sleep then."

DT told me I don't have to do this anymore. I don't have to hurt myself anymore. But there are times I can't stop it from happening. She recognized that, but said that she gives me "permission" not to do it.

And it seems so simple, doesn't it? "Well, Grace, you don't have to hurt yourself anymore. You can let it go." And God! I hope I get to that space someday. I want more than anything to be there. But there are times, still, when I can't stop it. I don't know how. I'm not strong enough.

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