Thursday, June 18, 2009

PDOC called, said you were doing well. What did you tell her?

I met with PDOC on Tuesday morning..for the big "med review" and *Grace assessment*. PDOC is great! She isn't just one of how's it going - here's your scripts - as she shuffles you out the door. She actually sits down and talks to me, follows up on things we discussed during our prior appointment.

Now let me step back for a minute...I had a *minor* disagreement with DT on Tuesday morning prior to my appointment with PDOC. I say *minor* now but at the time, the crazy in me blew the whole incident out of proportion and went into a tirade of: You betrayed me, I can't believe how you hurt my feelings - now everything is hopeless...part of the nature of the *disease* ~ I don't always react appropriately in response to DT.

So, anyway, back to PDOC visit...the first question she always asks me is about the "relationship" between DT and I...and I was determined to be positive about it - and really, it is positive...we have been negotiating and she is still standing despite my terrible behavior directed toward her at times. So that's what I said. However, I did also mention that I have been proactive in educating myself on the process, the books DT reads and mention to me...and I do voice what I think is working or not working. Hey - I have a brain and I'm going to use it. And sometimes I think DT takes my comments and being "defiant" rather than "questioning/discussing"...again with the labels. But at times I can see why she would view it that way as I tend to take an obstinate stance on some things and then I spend hours researching and presenting "evidence" to disprove her "theories (as well as the theories of other MHPs ~ that I disagree with). Of course that makes me "difficult" and "stubborn"...and we all know what road that goes down in the road trip of the "Clinical Mind". But I put a positive spin on things...and it wasn't dishonest. Perhaps at times a *sin of omission* but no dishonesty. I told her that when I corral all the girls to get to bed on time, and actually get the rest that I need, all is well. And then she gave me some information about some lectures in August about Mental Health that I might be interested in attending.

At the end of my appointment with DT yesterday, as I was walking out of her office, she said, "Oh, BTW, PDOC left me brief VM, letting me know that you were in, things seemed to be going well, and there were no med changes." I think at this point DT was reflecting back on the past several weeks, the many nights that adult lost control and the wicked witch took over, and the dissociation, and the fact that I virtually went off on Monday about her *assessment*...and then of course the Tuesday morning misunderstanding that I blew out of she went on to say, "She said you were doing well" *questioning glace thrown my way* "What did you tell her?"

"I told her that we were "working things out" that I was fine if I go to bed on time, that I don't think I need any med changes, and we talked about a mental health lecture series...."

"Well, as long as your being honest..."

"Yes, DT, as I was in her office, I was honest about how I was *Feeling* in that moment. I promise."

Grace is a good girl! She just has some "maladaptive personality traits" they like to call it in the MHP world.

Which brings me to a question: Whose right is it to decide what "personality traits" are "maladaptive"?????

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