Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I don't want to die....But I don't want to live

“My dear little one, what do you want? What do you need right now?" Sweet little girl, what do you want?” asks DT

I gently whisper my response, "I want to feel better."
“Okay, tell me more,” she softly inquires.

I take a deep breath and continue, “I want to be okay with all of my feelings and I don’t want to be afraid to share them. I want to believe that I am not my past, that my past is just a part of me. I want to be loved for who I am, and not what I have accomplished. I want to be authentic and real, and not be afraid to show the real me, all of me. I want to laugh more, that deep belly laugh, until tears of joy stream down my cheeks. And I want to cry less from that desperate, hopeless place I find myself in during the night. I want to be able to sleep without nightmares and no longer fear the darkness. I want to live without the voices in the shadows of my mind telling me I am bad, worthless, undeserving of care and love. I want to believe in myself, and I want to believe in others too. I want to trust. I want to understand, at the core of my being, that I am safe, and that I am going to be okay, no matter what happens.”

“Is there anything else?” She asks me.
“I want to love myself for who I am. I want to recognize that I am working hard, that I will be okay. I want to love myself just because I am alive, and I am strong, and I deserve to find peace and happiness. I want to love all of me, even the parts I have not yet accepted and the parts that I do not like. I want to feel the love I have for myself every single day, even if only in some small way, even if only for a minute."

She answers my request in a soft confident voice, "You will have these things. I believe in you. You will be okay. You will live."

~ Grace


  1. This was beautifully written, Grace. I also have that struggle with being comfortable with a full range of feelings... and trying to balance them! It's a constant project, isn't it?

  2. Yes, it is...I feel good today - so far, so good. It's moments like this I value so much...I just wish I could figure out how to get them to stay! Well, one thing would be get my behind into bed at a decent hour...which I did last night.
    The problem is that sometimes I think I have this *need* to torture myself. Crazy?!
    ~ Grace