Sunday, June 28, 2009

I am “HER”.The strong one–the funny one–the one who doesn’t give a FUCK about anyone or anything! Because no one gave a fuck about her!!!

I'm tired of this. So…so…so…flipping… tired of ALL of THIS!
And I feel like a broken record saying that, but it's true. I'm tired of feeling like I need ANYTHING or ANYONE…. I'm tired of the nightmares, the flashbacks, the lack of sleep, and the constant fear that I'm going to be hurt. I'm tired of extending myself way too far in every aspect of my life just to prove that I can do it…that I'm not completely ruined.

Truth is, I'm not so sure anymore.
Am I beyond salvation? Is there really anything left inside of me to salvage?Is there anything left to work towards?
Or is this “as good as it gets”.
You know what’s worse than NOT asking for help? Caving in and actually reaching out, asking for help….and getting no response. Just silence and blank stares. That’s worse! So maybe Marsha is right after all…the key is to Shut up and Behave because no one really gives a fuck – no one really wants to hear what you have to say anyway! So why fucking bother!

Friend #1: “I’ve had the worst week! My ex is taking me back to court…yada, yada, yada.. it’s the WORST!” Yes, I can’t think of anything worse.

Friend # 2: “My husband thinks he works so hard, but he doesn’t appreciate anything I do. He’s such an ass – he’s the WORST.” Yes, he is the worst man ever.

Yes, that’s the worst thing.

Hey - I’m not alone after all- She’s sitting right here, next to me, she’s always here, lurking, waiting for a second of vulnerability or pain…and how easily I fall into her, like a welcome friend – the only one here for me – and she's right – she's here, no one else is. I’m tired of fighting now. I’m going to be her now.I am DEAD TODAY! Today I am going to be “HER” The strong one – the funny one – the one who doesn’t give a FUCK about anyone or anything! Because no one gives a fuck about her!


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