I am not me

Don’t speak, Grace, they will hate you if you speak. Do not speak and do not fight. Keep your mouth shut. No one loves you, no one cares about you, - just keep your mouth shut and everything will be okay. Just do as they say. Close your eyes – it won’t hurt that bad. Close your eyes tighter – it’s not really happening now. It will be over soon. You want to be loved. They will love you.

I see myself wanting to be loved.
I see myself being scared.I see myself shutting down.
I see myself - I don’t want to see myself…..

Where is my mother? Why is she always drunk? Why does she leave me with this man who hurts me? Where did she go? How can she be so vile and cruel to me? What have I done to deserve her wrath? I just wanted my mom to love me, to hold me and be my parent, my mother. But she didn’t, she said to me, “You are such a selfish little bitch, you get what you deserve, you fucking little brat.”

I am very angry with myself for not being perfect, emotionally stable, understanding, logical… I guess that’s a guaranteed recipe for being upset! I had a bad night last night. Today is continuing along that same path. I don't want to cry. I want DT, but I won't call her because I don't want to need her. I want to be okay on my own. I need to be okay on my own. I don't want to depend on DT. My side hurts. I think the cut I inflicted upon myself last week is infected.

I am living outside my body today. I have slipped away…..My head is tight – my limbs heavy. I am not in control. I am spinning….watching myself from above, in a place no one sees. I am interacting, but it isn’t me. I am not me.