Saturday, June 27, 2009

Can someone remind me again of the point to any of this? Including this pseudo LIFE?

I haven’t been sleeping well for over a week… Nightmares, tossing, turning – it comes in waves I can sleep for a few nights – then it starts again. The tossing and turning – I can’t lie on my side because my hips & ribs hurt, so I try to lie on my back – but then I feel like something is crushing me and I can’t breathe…and I toss and turn back and forth – for hours. Sometimes I cry and try to talk to myself, tell myself that it’s okay to cry, that it will pass, and I’ll be okay – I try to forget the pain in my hips and my ribs- sometimes I touch DH’s arm, remind myself where I am, repeat my address, go check on my children…see? I’m a grown up now. This is my house, these are my kids and I’m okay. Sometimes I lie down in the guest room and open the window to feel the cool air on my body and listen to the sounds outside. Other times I lie on the floor in the bathroom, feel the cool tile on my face. Sometimes I fall asleep but then I wake up, startled, from a dream…sometimes I can remember the dreams, sometimes not. But it’s been a really long week, and I’m really tired. I am sooooo tired. And nothing is working now. I’m so tired. And I can’t sleep.

And the lack of sleep exacerbates everything else. The anxiety, the anger, the panic & fear. And there’s no relief…no help. My problem, I get it – at night when everything happens it’s just me here – by myself. No one else. My problem. My issues…all mine – I own it. Me. No one else’s problem – why bother even talking anymore.

I don't even bother calling DT for help anymore - because really - it doesn't matter. It just "is" and nothing can be done about it. And maybe I'll get a "good" night soon - a night where I actually sleep...a night with no body memories or nightmares, no panic attacks or anxiety, no voices, no SI...and then maybe that will be enough to get through another few nights of hell. Maybe - Maybe not.

Just "riding the waves" as you say, DT - I won't call - I won't ask for an "extra" session or bother you on your weekend off. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. I've ridden the waves for 38 years now! BY MYSELF! Has it gotten any less turbulent? Um, no - so again, I have to ask the question: Why fucking bother? I sure don't have an answer to that question, do you?

And I wish I had the courage to *STOP* all of it. But I don't today...and even if I had the courage - I don't have the energy.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Grace, all I can do is be here listening with you dear one and lifting you up to our Creator for healing!