Why are you always such a mega-bitch, Grace?

Tuesday afternoon I gave up my excellent parking space at work to go to a therapy appointment that was worthless and a waste of my time.  AND there were a million distractions AND her whole office smelled like ONIONS - which make me nauseous as F**K!  Which, of course, she totally knows and still ate a bunch of raw onions in her office right before my appointment .  I wanted to puke the whole time!  Maybe she could have saved them and forced me to eat them too!  That would have had about the same affect!  I'm not saying the woman should alter her eating habits to accomodate me, but JC!  She KNOWS I hate onions and they remind me of the SF.  To her credit, she did offer to spray some lovely lemon pledge smelling air freshener - which would be great for the olfactory sense - onions mixed with lemons!  Subconsciously she probably did it on purpose to get PAG back for her rude and borderline expressions of discontent at the therapist's *forgetfullness* on Friday night.  Or, perhaps she just forgot about the "onion" thing too.  Or maybe PAG is right and she just doesn't give a flying fuck about how Grace feels about onions and Friday nights! 

And then when I tell her that I was f'd up all last week after talking about the *bad* stuff and so now she isn't allowed to talk to her, she was all like, "Well, I'll talk for her then..." WTF was that about?  She'll do what?  Um...newsflash!  Can't speak for someone when you don't know what they're thinking and feeling.  That was like the dumbest statement ever!  So stupid!  I can't even talk for her!   Maybe she ate the onions for her too!  Maybe we can watch a really scary movie next week!  Or have pancakes!  GOD!  WTF!
Whatever the *reason* be it conscious or unconscious - I'm sure it's really *none of your business, Grace* - yeah, well, I think it ALL SUCKS and right now I think the therapist sux too - although that's really none of my business either....I got that.
I just love it when she throws out the NOYB in the same sentence as discussing "our relationship".  I get that the fossil situation isn't my business but she doesn't have to be rude about it!  I'll be sure to leave ALL humor outside of "our relationship" from now on.
Strictly business.  I'll talk about my "symptoms" and she can clinically help me get them "resolved"...however, I'd like to be on the advanced, high-potency meds so I can not really see her, or smell her onions, for much longer. 
And then the fact I again brought up the fact that she is billing w/a Dx of BPII and she never said I had BPII, nor does my PDOC bill with it - she told me AGAIN that she bills it to get the claims paid -really?  So it's okay to lie to get the claims paid, or do you really think I'm BPII?  Of couse I get the standard MHP answer of, "I don't like to label..."  Really?  Because you were really f-ing quick to slap it on a HCFA form!!!  Yeah, I'm not big on labels either, but I'd rather not have someone look at my "confidential health records" (come on- we all know there's no such thing) and say, Whoa - I didn't know you had BPII?  And I'd be like, "Well, that makes 2 of us!"  Apparently only the therapist and the ins co knew it until now!  Some F-ING HONESTY would be GREAT about now!!!!!!!!
I feel strangely disconnected from the therapist, anyway, right now.  Yesterday, it was like having a conversation with someone you're sitting next to on a flight from Houston to Dallas - just interesting enough that you don't *pretend* to be asleep for the short jaunt from city to city.

GAWD, GRACE!  Why are you always such a MEGA-Bitch! 

OH!  Because I can be!  That's why!

I don't want the therapist to be the Maytag man ~ But I'm afraid to let her be anything else right now!

I do have to hand it to the therapist for her ability to hang with the border ~ and trying to "think outside of the box"...bucket, whatever!

Yesterday, I told her I didn't feel like her emails were helpful now...previously, they helped because I emailed her and I could share things I could not speak of, and she would know where I was and could respond accordingly.  Now I don't email her.  She wanted to talk about how we could work to make the email contacts more effective for me, since she knows I have depended on the 'connection'.  I really don't know.  I miss emailing her, I told her that.  Because there are so many things I want to tell her but now I can't.  She suggested I leave her voicemails...um, how is that different than email, DT?  Even though she says it is not a burden to email me the 3x weekly, I don't believe her.  She made it clear that she does not always have email access and doesn't sit by a computer, or have email on her phone ~and of course, she said, "I have always known how important the emailing was for you, but you developed some unrealistic expectations that were unfair to you and me and that because of the inherent inconsistencies and disappointments in this communication, it created serious repercussions for our working relationship."  How do I not internalize that as email is a burden, border!

So she again suggested exposure therapy, only this time she went into more detail~ probably because I let her talk without rolling my eyes.  She said maybe I should call her every day to 'check in' so I will know she is there, hasn't left me, and I can depend on her and trust her.  I her told I can't and besides, she can't talk anyway when she is at the hospital.  She said she could call me back on her way home.  Yeah, until her life changes again and then she can't...until that becomes an "unrealistic expectation".  No thanks! 

I get that she is 'dependable'...like I know she will be at her office when I show up.  But she let me down when I needed her~I can't risk that again right now...too fragile...I'm too scared.  I know she'll be at her office next Tuesday, during my scheduled appointment ~ but so would the maytag man if I made an appointment with him.  That doesn't mean I trust him...or am willing to tell him my innermost thoughts or reach out or ask for help when I am in the bad place and can't find my way out.  I don't want the therapist to be the maytag man!  But now I'm scared to let her be anything else.

So...I messed up last week, but I didn't tell anyone...I didn't tell because I am not a "manipulate" or "attention seeking"...SU&B

The past couple of weeks, DT and I have had some discussions about the comorbidity of C-PTSD and BPD. And although she said she would not diagnose me as BPD, I do have some of the traits. And I will agree that some of the traits are woven within my persona ~ with the intense anger, changing of moods frequently, self-destructive behavior, suicide ideation. And I read this book, that DT said she was reading~ PTSD/Borderlines in Therapy...and the author says that cutting and "threats of suicide" are not serious, are only done for "attention" and is a form of "manipulation" ~ that if therapists respond, it only reinforces the patient to repeat the behavior.

So now if I SI I'm afraid to tell DT - because I'm afraid she'll think I'm only doing it because I'm attention seeking, which is NOT the truth. Last Monday night, I SI'd...I was overwhelmed with the intense emotional pain inside of me and the only way to make it go away is to dissociate and cut. So I found myself alone, around 10 pm, and I took a razor and cut my side. And then I lay on the bathroom floor begging for someone (even though no one was there) to help me, to make it stop...the pain, the feelings, the memories...all of it, just make it stop. And eventually I got up, cleaned up the pool of blood that I was laying in, bandaged my side, and went to bed.

But I didn't tell PDOC, and I didn't tell DT...because I didn't want them to think I did it for attention. I didn't do it for attention. I did it to make it stop. I needed it to stop so I could go to sleep - I just wanted it to stop.

But she may think I did it to "manipulate" her, or to get her attention...so I didn't tell her. She didn't ask me so I didn't tell her. I'm not attention seeking or manipulative! I can handle the pain, even if I do end up cutting - all by myself and I don't need to "cry" out to her for her help, she hasn't said that I do it for attention - but I'm sure it's in the back of her head.

I didn't do it for "attention" - I needed it to stop! I needed everyone to shut up and needed the pain to stop so I could sleep. And it did. For the night....

Need Relief from BPD symptoms? Try BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE Today!

I HATE YOU! DON’T LEAVE ME!

Excuse me, can you please pass the BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE HCL

I have suddenly caught a case of the borderlines.

MHPs ~ do you have patients who struggle with the following symptoms:
* Chronic feelings of emptiness & loneliness
* Inability to soothe & comfort themselves when upset
* Recurrent suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self-injury (cutting/burning)
* Frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feels of depression, irritability and anxiety
* Problems controlling inappropriate, fierce anger
* Frenzied efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
* Actions of impulsivity that are self-damaging (sexual impulsivity, extravagant spending, substance abuse, eating disorders, reckless driving)

Well, now there’s a solution!

BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE HCL

BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE HCL is FDA approved and was developed by Dr. Iluvu I. Hateu. It is a safe and effective way to treat the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE is much more effective than DBT, the treatment program designed by Marsha Linehan. It takes less time for patients to experience symptom relief, there’s no therapeutic training, and no irritating classes to teach!

How does it work?

BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE works with the limbic system to suppress the borderlines urge to act impulsively, self injure and commit suicide. It abolishes those ‘pesky’ emotions that you abhor in your patients and are socially unacceptable.

Listen to what our experts have to say!

Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering. Borderlines are the most difficult patients to treat due to their extreme socially unacceptable behavior. I’ve suggested all of my borderline patients to try BENZOBORDERCLORIPINE and I haven’t had a late night suicide threat, or a call begging for ‘safety coaching’ in months! This is much more effective than suggesting a cup of tea or a distraction technique to my patients. With BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE not only do my patients stay alive and out of trouble, I can turn off my phone at 10pm every night- and not worry about voicemail or email messages that will be awaiting me in the morning!
~ Dr. Elizabeth Terrior

I was treating a patient, Ginger, for 13 years and I tried everything! She had been in alcoholics anonymous, psychotherapy and group therapy. Then, 18 months ago, she began participating in a BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE trial at a Boulder mental health clinic. Since then, she has used alcohol only twice, had only one encounter with police (and controlled herself so that she didn’t end up in four-point restraints) and is now studying for her GED. This is a huge success for a woman who hadn’t been able to keep family, friends, jobs, or stability together—ever. Typical of other borderline clients, Ginger seems to have been born with a predisposition to over-the-top reactions to just about everything. She also grew up in a difficult, neglectful home. It is the combination of these two factors—called “emotional vulnerability” and an “invalidating environment”—that give rise to BPD. Over time, people like Ginger have learned to respond with maximum emotion even in the face of minimal stimulation, and dangerous behavior is the result. Since she began taking BENCOBORDERCLORAPINE, Ginger is able to go to her ‘wisemind’ in seconds!
~ Dr. Cassie Kitzen

Many therapists have no idea how to treat Borderline patients, and with BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE there’s no need! "The good news", says Dr. Hateu, "is that there is no need to teach these annoying clients how to unlearn dysfunctional behaviors. The BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE will take care of that for you. And as therapists, there is no need to continue walking on eggshells!"

Prescribe BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE for your patients today!

Turn your patient’s black and white views into shades of gray!

You’ll be thankful, and someday they will be too! With the help of BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE, your patients will ‘radically accept’ the borderline label bestowed upon them and love themselves in spite of it!

A caveat: BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE is not for everyone. It is not designed for the average person who might seek help from a therapist. BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE is probably not appropriate or necessary for fairly “normal” people who might need therapy to cope with this or that mild neurosis. It’s best for those with more intense or advanced disorders. While many BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE candidates have been diagnosed with BPD, other severely disordered or self-injuring clients can benefit as well.

The standard dosage is 600 mg daily taken in two 300mg doses: one in the morning and one prior to bed time. The patient should be started on 75mg twice daily and increase by 75mg twice daily every 7 days until the full 600 mg dosage is reached.

Common side effects include:
Excessive Sleeping
Inability to ‘care’ about anything
Decreased ability to sing and dance
Obsession with Marsha Linehan
Inability to become enraged, or exhibit fierce anger, or, any anger, really
Unable to feel fear, even when there IS a lion in the room

Disclaimer: ALCOHOL may intensify the effects of BENZOBORDERCLORAPINE. Do not drive or operate dangerous machinery until you are certain how your body will react to the drug. Do not participate in any activity requiring full mental alertness EVER.

Choices ~ Stay or Walk Away?

I am the one who put everything behind me and moved on with my life. I am the one who is now in the midst of trying to piece the fragments of myself back together. I realize that I have, perhaps, been a *burden* to Dear Therapist, that she tried to support me, until last summer. When suddenly something changed….and, of course, as a “client” it isn’t appropriate for me to ask – WTF? So I began to research. And I have been trying to “analyze” my therapist – I have researched treatment for trauma, complex PTSD, BPD…I have spent hours in the library, days on the internet and lots of money on Amazon – trying to find out what the hell she is doing in MY treatment plan. Because ultimately, I know it is MY responsibility to “repair” EVERYTHING that has been the result of my childhood abuse. Mine! And recently, I have found myself wondering if therapy is doing more harm than good. I find myself not only trying to deal with the fragmented parts of myself, and the memories and the inner voices, but also the frustration, week after week, in therapy. I honestly question if she knows how to help me.
After I leave her office, I still have to function like a “normal” human being. I have a job, family obligations, friends….. And in addition to those responsibilities, I have to deal with the memories, the flashbacks, the intrusive thoughts of what was done to me in my past. I am the one who has to take care of myself and my family. I am the one who has to deal with the nightmares and I am the one who has to talk myself back to the present when I wake up in the past. I am the one who has felt like the only way to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain is to literally cut my own skin. And I am the one who has to live with the scars and the questions.
I am the one who has a *team* of clinicians who consult and decide what to do *TO* me and I am the one feels like a rat in an experiment gone wrong. I am the one who has to endure the side effects of ALL the medications I’ve been “put on” – the nausea and vomiting, the dizziness, the sleeplessness, the irritability, the migraines, the inability to concentrate, the weight gain…… ME! I am the one who has to *fake* being ok- when my therapist threatens to put me in the hospital….or *ordered* into IOP classes for ED, or DBT. I am the one who I am the one who trusted a therapist and laid myself bare for her to see and I am the one who must deal with the feelings of being ignored, invalidated and treated with disregard – now – in the present. And I take responsibility for all of the above.

But I will NOT take responsibility for HER behavior, for her seemingly lack of understanding about me. Nor will I take responsibility for her lack of communication of her treatment plan, new approach, or her newly developed boundaries, which are apparently a moving target. I will not take responsibility for she has decided is “therapeutic” in her mind, or her “ideas” about how things should be done in MY treatment. I will not continue in a “therapeutic relationship” with someone who clearly does not even know me after 3 years!
There is no logic to this treatment – there is no “one way” to treat trauma. It isn’t like a physical ailment. I have read Judith Herman, Marsha Linehan, Peter Levine….and others! I’ve read everything Van der Kolk has written! And everything is subjective! EVERYTHING! Read about borderline personality disorder – no one knows what “causes it” (I think it’s just a way to label “difficult” patients, patient’s who don’t just roll over and accept what their therapists say, but instead question things, try to educate themselves, and even *GASP* have the nerve to disagree with something a “trained professional in the field” says.) Everyone has an opinion on treatment: Schema is the answer, no it’s cognitive-behavioral, well, maybe it’s “supportive”, no the real answer is transference therapy, nope DBT. There’s no answer – no consensus on what actually helps.

Some “Mental Health Experts” say, “you must talk about and process the trauma”, others say, “no – don’t talk about it, stay in the present and manage the behavior in the present”.
Of course the past shapes the present, which will shape the future – and the life I am living now and who I am. And I am the person who is FORCED to take responsibility for the harm that was done to me and to my life and not just from the abuse of my past. And I shouldn’t have to fight my therapist, but alas, I have had to repeatedly, and it is exhausting. Why? Because NO ONE wants to listen!

And despite what is “said” by the MPH – “if you’re treating a pt w/BPD, 99% of the time, you are to be silent – don’t fall for the “sense” of urgency or their “demands” – you treat them by “standing still”. Do not respond or intervene even when the patient virtually demands some help for some relief! Yes, why would anyone do that? If a PERSON, a F***ING HUMAN BEING is having intrusive memories that won’t stop, and the only way to get them to stop is by cutting their own flesh – why would anyone need to respond to that? As long as the MHP is “the same” when the door to the office is opened, and the “crazy pt” is asked to come in, as long as the MHP is “present” during that 50 minutes each week. If the “borderline” expresses feelings of “abandonment” do not make any unusual interventions to calm the patient – this is a mistake. The MHP should ‘stand still’ and take no action in the face of the patient’s demands for help. The MHP must not “saddle” themselves with the role of trying to make the patient feel better”….. ALL PATIENTS – NOT “therapy as designed for each individual”. High functioning BPDs, quiet and loud BPDs, IP and OP BPDs….just *stand still*. “If you build it, they will come.”

I don’t know where I will go from here, but I am NOT an diagnosis, I am not a “plan of treatment”, I am not intellectually challenged - I am a PERSON and I will not be placed into a treatment plan that was developed by professionals who have no first hand experience of abuse and are not interested in what I say works or doesn’t work for me. No one listens – and yet I am still talking – and just because you, dear therapist, are standing in your office week after week, always the same….”Here I am, crazy girl. I am standing here, the same – it doesn’t matter which “you” shows up (angry, sad, happy or frustrated) – I am the same, I am here, “standing still” acting like I am happy to see you" - does NOT make you the "expert" on what I need!

You tell me it’s my “choice” – yes, my choice – you give me 2 options, both of which are ridiculous and clearly not what I need and tell me to “choose” one – but tell me again, it’s my choice! Of course, what do I know….I’m way to “volatile” and “fragmented” to know what I NEED from this process.

Well, turn up your whisper 2000 and “stand” or “sit" still and LISTEN to me, HEAR me, interalize, and PROCESS what I have to say because it is important! You tell me what I “need” from you, now let me tell you what I thought I “needed” from you. I thought I needed someone to listen and hear me, someone who would allow me to speak, to believe that I mattered, and someone who would support me through this process. But I was wrong……
Clearly, by your recent “behavior” – what I really needed was someone to tell me to “regulate my emotions” and “stay in the present”, control my unruly, abnormal behavior so no one, including you, would be ‘bothered’ by it. What I needed was for you to teach me to feel, and have you tell me that ‘feelings are always okay’ and then stuff it all back down again when it was ‘too much’ for you to ‘deal with’. What I really needed was a strong mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic, and an anti-anxiety – which would take away my ability to *escape* the pain, but not provide me with the tools to *deal* with the pain I can no longer escape from.

Of course, it’s all transference – I must be transferring my feelings from my past onto you – therapy interfering behavior – but it’s all me – you know what you’re doing. I’m the “client”, you’re the ‘expert’. And the pain I feel, it has nothing to do with your recent sins of omission, or misplaced trust. Or your sudden lack of communication and your “change in approach” that you won’t even admit has occurred!
You want to talk about ‘choices’ - yes, there is always a choice. I’ve always had choices.
“Do you want to lie there quietly, or would you rather scream and fight me and I will beat you and then F*** you.”

I can *choose* to call you and ask you for help and you can *choose* whether or not to call me back. I can *choose* to continue to be frustrated by the fact that you *chose* not to call me back. I can *choose* to continue to be frustrated by the fact that you *chose* not to call me back – or I can *choose* to accept it.

I can choose to stay, or I can choose to walk away….. Sometimes both choices suck – but you’re right – there’s always a choice!