Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I don't want the therapist to be the Maytag man ~ But I'm afraid to let her be anything else right now!

I do have to hand it to the therapist for her ability to hang with the border ~ and trying to "think outside of the box"...bucket, whatever!

Yesterday, I told her I didn't feel like her emails were helpful now...previously, they helped because I emailed her and I could share things I could not speak of, and she would know where I was and could respond accordingly.  Now I don't email her.  She wanted to talk about how we could work to make the email contacts more effective for me, since she knows I have depended on the 'connection'.  I really don't know.  I miss emailing her, I told her that.  Because there are so many things I want to tell her but now I can't.  She suggested I leave her, how is that different than email, DT?  Even though she says it is not a burden to email me the 3x weekly, I don't believe her.  She made it clear that she does not always have email access and doesn't sit by a computer, or have email on her phone ~and of course, she said, "I have always known how important the emailing was for you, but you developed some unrealistic expectations that were unfair to you and me and that because of the inherent inconsistencies and disappointments in this communication, it created serious repercussions for our working relationship."  How do I not internalize that as email is a burden, border!

So she again suggested exposure therapy, only this time she went into more detail~ probably because I let her talk without rolling my eyes.  She said maybe I should call her every day to 'check in' so I will know she is there, hasn't left me, and I can depend on her and trust her.  I her told I can't and besides, she can't talk anyway when she is at the hospital.  She said she could call me back on her way home.  Yeah, until her life changes again and then she can't...until that becomes an "unrealistic expectation".  No thanks! 

I get that she is 'dependable' I know she will be at her office when I show up.  But she let me down when I needed her~I can't risk that again right now...too fragile...I'm too scared.  I know she'll be at her office next Tuesday, during my scheduled appointment ~ but so would the maytag man if I made an appointment with him.  That doesn't mean I trust him...or am willing to tell him my innermost thoughts or reach out or ask for help when I am in the bad place and can't find my way out.  I don't want the therapist to be the maytag man!  But now I'm scared to let her be anything else.

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