Inside, all is not calm ~ all is not bright.
Those who dwell inside of me are struggling in this internal civil war ~ and all the while I try to retain some sort of reasonable life and carry out my responsibilities and obligations. It ain't easy...it really hurts to be inside this mind and this body right now. I'm bracing myself for a crash landing tomorrow in therapy and I should probably forwarn the therapist that I feel this way so she can do the same. Even though she probably wouldn't anyway ~ but rather still be "the same" calm and nonjudging woman she always is (which I hate, by the way). I would much prefer her to grab me by the shoulders and tell me to get a grip!
I have tried really hard to listen and dialogue with all the internal voices but there's still no cohesiveness. One will allow the therapist in, trust her enough to tell her something shameful and horrifying, and then later there's all of this anxiety and doubt that jolts me like an electrical shock. I am struggling to make sense of things; questioning decisions and disclosures. Even though the therapist continues to try to establish trust and safety with/for me there are still so many feelings of hurt and distrust toward her. Parts of me are still skeptical and defiant and still are ready to flee. And a very strong part of me still stands behind this brick wall of emotional boundaries and I know that she walks a fine line when trying to reach out to me, ask questions, offer suggestions for help. I know that I am more than a handful, but I have good reasons for being scared ~ my struggles with fear and distrust are valid and real.
I feel irritable and angry because I cannot seem to work through this. I am agitated to the point I have not been able to sit still since about last Thursday. And I know that I have choices, there's always a choice. I can choose to go see the therapist tomorrow and be as honest as I am here and know that I will feel utterly vulnerable that she will be horrified by my weaknesses and disappointed in my lack of growth, or, I can sit behind the facade of togetherness and be humorous and strong, intelligent and masked, and then leave her office in a state of inner turmoil because I continue to stand close enough to touch even a minute of relief from all of this and yet still deny myself from reaching out and grabbing it. The decision may sound like a no-brainer, but it's so much more complicated than the surface choices. And I feel overwhelmed with both choices.
I am coping....but just barely....
Ah, Grace. I wish I could help you and send your pain into the dirt. I feel so bad that you are suffering so much. I am here, and I care.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when I have to assume the crash landing position. I'm in your corner for whatever goes down, honey. We're going to be okay. Some day, some way - we will. Because we're all that.
ReplyDeleteI hope it goes well in therapy today. I'm sorry that your therapist destroyed your trust in her and that she never explained exactly what happened to make her change. I don't know you well and forgive me if I am overstepping my boundaries and oversimplifying the issue, but I'm wondering if you should dump her. I know you have so much invested in her and to start with someone new is frightening. But do you really think you'll be able to regain the trust? Maybe if she had a good explanation for what she did, but she doesn't seem forthcoming about that. At least if you start with someone new you'll be starting at a place that doesn't include betrayal. I'm sure you've considered this, so forgive me if I seem clueless. I just hate what your therapist did, and I feel your frustration with her.
ReplyDeleteHon I'm a therapist, and I know that your therapist isn't going to judge you however you are in therapy. She knows you are struggling, but she also needs to let you go at your own pace. If she doesn't then she is being abusive. This is not a race for her to sort you. It's your journey to where you need to go with her by your side holding your hand through the dark bits.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and peace on your journey
Hey Ivory ~ I'll be okay...some day...don't feel bad.
ReplyDeleteLynn, doll, yes we are, aren't we? "Rockin' Awesome!" :-)
Harriet,very, very long story...I'll have to fill you in ~ in 10 words or less, I stay because I know she cares. I know she promised the 5 year old somthing she couldn't sustain long-term and I know she freaked when someone tried to die - so she didn't know what else to do and turned into marsha pod person (wait, that's more than 10 words ~ sorry) :-P
Fire Byrd, yeah, she says that, the whole "I'll be patient until you are ready to tell me what you want to tell me..." But I have this inner critic who tells me I'm not doing thsi fast enough!!!! Thank you for the peace and the luck....
~ Grace