Those who dwell inside of me are struggling in this internal civil war ~ and all the while I try to retain some sort of reasonable life and carry out my responsibilities and obligations. It ain't easy...it really hurts to be inside this mind and this body right now. I'm bracing myself for a crash landing tomorrow in therapy and I should probably forwarn the therapist that I feel this way so she can do the same. Even though she probably wouldn't anyway ~ but rather still be "the same" calm and nonjudging woman she always is (which I hate, by the way). I would much prefer her to grab me by the shoulders and tell me to get a grip!
I have tried really hard to listen and dialogue with all the internal voices but there's still no cohesiveness. One will allow the therapist in, trust her enough to tell her something shameful and horrifying, and then later there's all of this anxiety and doubt that jolts me like an electrical shock. I am struggling to make sense of things; questioning decisions and disclosures. Even though the therapist continues to try to establish trust and safety with/for me there are still so many feelings of hurt and distrust toward her. Parts of me are still skeptical and defiant and still are ready to flee. And a very strong part of me still stands behind this brick wall of emotional boundaries and I know that she walks a fine line when trying to reach out to me, ask questions, offer suggestions for help. I know that I am more than a handful, but I have good reasons for being scared ~ my struggles with fear and distrust are valid and real.
I feel irritable and angry because I cannot seem to work through this. I am agitated to the point I have not been able to sit still since about last Thursday. And I know that I have choices, there's always a choice. I can choose to go see the therapist tomorrow and be as honest as I am here and know that I will feel utterly vulnerable that she will be horrified by my weaknesses and disappointed in my lack of growth, or, I can sit behind the facade of togetherness and be humorous and strong, intelligent and masked, and then leave her office in a state of inner turmoil because I continue to stand close enough to touch even a minute of relief from all of this and yet still deny myself from reaching out and grabbing it. The decision may sound like a no-brainer, but it's so much more complicated than the surface choices. And I feel overwhelmed with both choices.
I am coping....but just barely....