Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Hi, I'm Grace ~ we've never met....I can't really talk to you but I need to know if you can help me.


Hi, I'm Grace ~ I am married with 2 children, 1 boy, 1 girl ~ in that order.  I'm a dog person...I like cats but the hus is allergic.  My favorite color is pink and I am a taurus (which should alert you to my tendency toward stubbornness).  I prefer down pillows and lots of 'em!  I am intelligent and creative...and very independent.  I tend to be overprotective of my children - my son calls it my 'worry meter', but they mean everything to me and I want to protect them.  I love to sing, out loud, especially in the car.  I have never been out of the United States but would love to go to Greece someday.  I love the musical Phantom of the Opera and have seen it live... I hate onions and hominy and pretty much all meat - and right now my favorite food is cheese quesadillas.  Every night I sing "Baby Mine" to my daughter when I tuck her into bed.  I have a past, everyone does, right?  But I don't talk about anything that happened before college, and not much until age 23. 

I've been in therapy before - many times before.  But I have this incredibly hard exterior that has never been penetrated by a 'professional'.  Not one.  Some therapists have told me I have a lot of anger...depression - in college - one therapist told me after 3 sessions that I was fine and she didn't even know why I was there ~ and that was after I told her I had seriously considered killing myself in the shower with a razor...I was 19.

I don't know why I'm here today.  Well, I do, but I can't talk about it.

I have major trust issues ~ I'm hypervigilent and always on guard and I will search for reasons not to trust you.  If you hurt me I will pull away from you ~ and I won't let you back in.  I would like to ask you if you can help me, that's why I called but because I cannot trust you I can't really tell you anything right now...but I really need to know if you can help me...because if I can't find someone to help me I don't know what will happen to me but I do know that I can't do this alone anymore. 

But I can't tell you that.  Because I don't know you....I don't trust you...I will not let you see the weak and frightened Grace.  I cannot take the lid off of the box that contains the first 14 years of my life because it will all spill out and I am afraid I won't be able to to put it back in...and it is scary, and ugly, and shameful, and bad.  It's very bad.  And I can't talk about it. 

But I really need to know if you can help me...


  1. Yeah...bloody therapy! I went today - that's why I wrote this...I feel like I'm starting over ~ I told the therapist that today. I STG, right now, I feel like my starbucks barista knows more about me than the therapist...at least she knows how I like my coffee! **HUGE SIGH**
    I am tired ~ very tired. The thought of starting over again with the therapist, trying to figure out how to trust her, let her in...if I even can ~ makes me feel like I am 90 years old. So tired...