I spent yesterday trying to figure out a way to reconnect with the therapist on more than just a surface level. I did come up with something that I thought *might* work and was about to call the therapist to tell her my idea/suggestion but there's still discontent and uncertainty inside. I realize that there is always going to be a certain degree of distrust and uncertainty - nothing is ever 100% sure (even birth control pills and pregnancy tests are only 99%) if I could get to even 75% in my level of safety and trust with the therapist I think I could go with that for awhile. Let me step out of my financial analyst brain for a bit....and drop the numbers ~ therapy is never an exact science, right? (one of the main problems I've had with the whole "program" in the first place).
I was sick a lot last night and this morning. I hate Fridays and yet I'm thankful I don't have to get up by an alarm clock tomorrow. This morning was one of the most difficult mornings I've had in a while. I could not get motivated to get out of bed and when I finally did I was so tired I could barely stand in the shower...and I decided to forego washing my hair and wrapped up in a towel and laid back down in bed...nauseous, sweating and freezing cold, praying I would be able to pull it together for the first meeting of the day.
I need consensus from the group above! I cannot believe how badly my head hurts today and how I cannot go 30 minutes without throwing up. And when I can't sleep at all, when I can't stand up in the shower because I am so tired and sick that my mind and body are not connected and neither responds to the other... I want someone I can trust to talk too. I want someone who cares and will not leave if it gets hard and ugly. I want someone who won't lie to me, and who will understand when it's too hard and I need to dial it back. I need someone to help me understand what goes on and what I need to do when it gets so scary I forget how to breathe.