Friday, December 11, 2009

2 out of 5 voices inside my head say "Go for it!"

The rest are not so sure....

I spent yesterday trying to figure out a way to reconnect with the therapist on more than just a surface level.  I did come up with something that I thought *might* work and was about to call the therapist to tell her my idea/suggestion but there's still discontent and uncertainty inside.  I realize that there is always going to be a certain degree of distrust and uncertainty - nothing is ever 100% sure (even birth control pills and pregnancy tests are only 99%) if I could get to even 75% in my level of safety and trust with the therapist I think I could go with that for awhile.  Let me step out of my financial analyst brain for a bit....and drop the numbers ~ therapy is never an exact science, right? (one of the main problems I've had with the whole "program" in the first place).

I was sick a lot last night and this morning.  I hate Fridays and yet I'm thankful I don't have to get up by an alarm clock tomorrow.  This morning was one of the most difficult mornings I've had in a while.  I could not get motivated to get out of bed and when I finally did I was so tired I could barely stand in the shower...and I decided to forego washing my hair and wrapped up in a towel and laid back down in bed...nauseous, sweating and freezing cold, praying I would be able to pull it together for the first meeting of the day.

I need consensus from the group above!  I cannot believe how badly my head hurts today and how I cannot go 30 minutes without throwing up.  And when I can't sleep at all, when I can't stand up in the shower because I am so tired and sick that my mind and body are not connected and neither responds to the other... I want someone I can trust to talk too.  I want someone who cares and will not leave if it gets hard and ugly.  I want someone who won't lie to me, and who will understand when it's too hard and I need to dial it back.  I need someone to help me understand what goes on and what I need to do when it gets so scary I forget how to breathe. 

I need the therapist back...


  1. I know I'm back and forth and all over the place on this topic, but I really do hope you can come to a resolution of what to do so you can feel helped in some way. Pain sucks. It sucks worse when you feel alone and scared in it.

  2. I understand your does get easier.

  3. Lynn, Thanks...yea, it does but today I feel better and not alone.

    Exhale, thanks - I hope so :-)