Saturday, December 12, 2009

You're gonna need a bigger boat...

There are parts of me who cannot be trusted to be alone.  After everyone goes to bed the logical functioning, "take care of yourself, Grace" part of my brain goes to bed with the rest of the family, leaving the angry frightened Grace(s) alone in the darkness.  And some nights I will do things in purpose to trigger myself into the bad place.  I don't understand why that is.  As if things aren't crazy enough at night, I do something on purpose to make it worse?  I really should talk to someone about that...Oh, wait, I already do...

Growing up, each Friday night played out the same way...we all watched scary movies together ~ the host body got drunk and passed out, the man-whore would rape me.  Now on Friday nights, the scene plays out much the same way...only this time it's me directing the film...and the sex part comes before the movie, not after - but after everyone is tucked into bed, I find myself watching scary movies on TV.  Why?  I don't know.

Last night, I called the therapist in a terrible moment of fear....fear of my own doing.  I watched a scary movie and freaked myself out.  I watched it - everyone was in bed and I purposely watched a scary movie.  And I got scared and couldn't figure out where I was (what year is it?  how old am I?) and I called the therapist and she asked me what happened and I told her I watched a scary movie and it freaked me out.  She said, "Grace, why did you do that?"  And I said, "I don't know, dear therapist.  I don't know."  And I don't know.  I have been trying to figure out why I seemingly do things on purpose to trigger myself into an unneccessary place of fear - but I'm not sure.  I think it has something to do with the "need" to hurt myself (not in a physical way now) and the need for everything in the little girl's mind to be *done* before she can 'safely' fall asleep...I don't know - maybe (?). 

I don't have any urges to cut myself or hurt myself in any sort of pysical way now - but I must still have the need to ensure everything is *finished* before I can fall asleep.  The only difference now is the sex comes before the scary movie...not after. 

The therapist was helpful last night ~ I'm not sure exactly why ~ maybe it was just the fact that I called and she answered and she talked to me...sometimes it's just the sound of her voice.  Fridays were always 'scary movie night' - and I don't know why I still feel the insane need to carry on that tradition....sometimes I think I might ask the therapist for a 'check-in' call on Fridays - but then other parts think that's a bad idea....

Friday nights feel like they play out in a parallel universe...I can see it happening, but I'm not really there, and I can't really stop it.  I don't know....none of it makes sense, really.  Why I would do something like that on purpose knowing it will end badly?  And I sort of felt like a scolded child last night when I told the therapist what I did and she sighed and said, "Grace, why did you do that?"  Not in a bad way...but in a 'good grief girl...stop that!' kind a way.  She wasn't angry at all~ she just couldn't understand why I would do something like that, on purpose.  Neither can I...but I did, and I do.

Maybe I'll go watch jaws and think about that....maybe we need a bigger boat, DT ~ maybe we need a bigger boat to withstand the waves that crash upon us...and the sharks that still try to attack.

1 comment:

  1. I guess I need things to be over before I go to sleep, too. That's why I wait until the morning.

    I almost choked to death on an ice cube when I watched Jaws.