"I hose (hold) you mama. I hose you..."

When my son was little and he wanted me to hold him he would say to me, "I hose you mama, I hose you...." ...and he would hold his arms out to me and wait for me to pick him up.  I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and we were talking about what it would be like to actually feel "held" in safe way. 

I only remember one time I felt "held" safely, ever, in my entire life...and that was 3 years ago when the therapist held me when I cried.  I knew the therapist would never hurt me, I knew that I was *safe* with her...and I'd never felt that way before...nor have I ever felt that way since.  I don't think I ever will.

My friend and I were talking and I asked her, "I wonder what it would be like to feel safely held by someone without that someone wanting to fuck me."  I don't know the answer to that....the only time in my life I ever felt safely held by anyone was during a mental/suicidal breakdown.  That was the time the therapist "held" me - the only time I felt safe...ever...I don't know that I'll ever feel *safe* like that again. 

I wonder what it would be like to take a bath without 3 washclothes covering the most intimate parts of my body... I've no idea....
I wonder what it's like for "normal" people to sleep without a bra and 3 t-shirts on....
I wonder what it's like to fall asleep without a sense of fear even when you're surrounded by 9 pillows and 4 blankets/comforters.
I wonder what sex is like for "normal" people...I really wonder...because I surely don't know...
I wonder what it's like to actually feel "comforted" by someone else who you *know* won't fuck you...

I wonder....I wonder....I'll never know...but I wonder...