Tuesday, December 22, 2009

You keep on knocking but I am still afraid to let you in...

Last night I left a voicemail for the therapist telling her I was not able to come to session today because I cannot leave the house. She left me a response telling me that it's not a good idea for me to miss session and that I sounded really upset and overwhelmed…and that I could call her if I would like help "problem solving" and developing an action plan to get myself out of bed, and then out of the house. But what the therapist doesn’t seem to understand is that I don’t want to get out of bed, nor do I have any desire to leave the house. I don’t want to get dressed or leave my bed at all. I want to take a sleeping pill and go to sleep – and when I wake up – I want to take another sleeping pill and go to sleep – and over and over and over again, until it stops. And even if I show up for my appointment ~ I’m just going to go back home and climb back into bed and go back to sleep. And she has always told me I should listen to my body and do what my body tells me to do, and right now, it is telling me to sleep 24/7.  But then last night she asked me, “Do you know the difference between indulgence and doing just what your body needs?” Evidently not, DT, clearly I do not... Very confusing....because I know that if I do not stay asleep ~ something terrible and irreversable is going to happen to me, by me.

But I called her back so we could ‘develop a plan’ to get my ass out of the house and onto her couch…and I told her I would do my best. I love it when she tells me that if I don’t show up and it’s less than 24 hours, I have to pay anyway…and I retort: it ain’t about the money, DT, I don’t give a shit about the money. I’d pay my entire retirement fund (and believe me, it’s significant!...and it's not a big gamble ~ because she and I both know I ain't going to live that long)  for a “happy pill” that will make me forget all this shit and give me the ability to move on with my life, pain free. $120.00 bucks does not mean shit to me! Add in the $50.00 I had to pay someone to watch my kids? Still a drop in the *bucket*. I may be one generation away from poor white trash…but believe me, I make enough money in a month to pay for the trailor I grew up in! It ain’t about the money! 

I did show up. I wanted to wear my jams but I thought the sitter might question where I might be going to pajamas…and the only answer I could come up with was: my shrink’s for a slumber party (?). So I got dressed, drank some coffee and found my way to the therapist’s couch. 

I sat there on her couch, and I was so tired and so sick to my stomach that I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to be back in my bed, asleep! And she would not let me look at the therapist because the therapist is good and we are bad.  That’s when the therapist said, “Grace, there is nothing you can tell me that I cannot hear. I can take and accept anything you want to tell me. I will not see you differently.” Really? Because when I name dropped (compared myself to someone…a *famous* whore) she said she didn’t even know who that was…Yeah, me either…Gawd love the therapist...she is so cute and innocent – yeah, I’m sure I could never say anything that has happened to me, or that I’ve done, that would make the therapist blush, or puke into the trash can next to her desk. No – nothing  ~ yeah, right!  You just don't KNOW enough DT.  And I don't know if you ever will.

I wish I could say I feel better tonight…but regrettably, that is not the case. I am barely breathing…in fact, it’s nearly 7:00pm so I think I will go to bed.  I don't feel well tonight, not at all...
While I was dressed and out of the house I did mange to get a few presents for DS & DD ~ and I let them wrap each other's tonight and put them under the tree...so at least that's done.   But I am not leaving the house again this year.  And I told the therapist I cannot make an appointment for next week because I've no one to watch the kids and I'm not taking them. 

No – DT, I still do not know the difference between what my body “needs” and “indulgence”…my body doesn’t talk to me like maybe yours does. But I do know that I have to stay asleep to "stay safe" right now.  I do know that much, DT ~ to "stay alive" and not call you, or anyone in a "crisis" I must stay asleep.
The good news is that I am on vacation for 2 weeks ~ that's 2 weeks straight I can sleep and not get dressed ~ so I'd better make sure I have enough meds to make that happen- I'm pretty sure I do....

My body and I ~ we are not connected. And I don’t know how to make that happen.

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