Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Is that seriously your suggestion? Well, allow me to retort! **WARNING**Borderline rant with many expletives & triggering comments

UUUUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Me, screaming, after puking, and before borderline ranting that will hopefully not end in a serious dissociative episode where Grace wakes up in a pool of blood, with old faithful Demon Bartender serving up bottomless Grey Goose/Ativan cocktails at the open bar, and bowls full of razors ~ with the only “NUT” being ME! However, as God as my only witness, I promise to harm no one other than the stupid bitch who actually swallowed the bullshit served up on the platinum spoon engraved with the word “THERAPY”, yes, that would be me, Grace! 

After a horribly frustrating therapy session yesterday (at least she got that part right!!!) where I once again proclaimed I am afraid of the therapist, her office, her ability to stay with me…and the strong overpower the weak, which makes her job hell – and my fucking life hell!!!! This is seriously the suggestion of the day? Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Multiple Choice: The flying fat-ass nun ~ OR ~ the former-fossil ~ my old DBTC, the "friend of Bill's ~ OR ~ a Buddhist monk…perhaps all of the above!? OMG! OMG! OMG! I think I have the answer! It is most likely the genius suggestion of the other Marsha-wanna-be...the the therapist's “DBT” Friend who told me she had to go to anger management classes because she couldn’t stay in her present moment and respond appropriately to her ‘feelings/emotions’…


Dear Grace,
I know that our last session was frustrating for you as you struggle to figure out how to find a path to the dialogue that you are strive for in session. I, like you, believe that your words and feelings deserve to be heard and understood within a safe place. While there is likely no perfect or absolute safe place for this, I have strove to create some close approximation to this with you, I also understand that this can change and needs continued attending to, through our mutual communication in the moment and after reflection on past experiences. Our joint presence and attendance to painful and difficult material is no small matter, and while I know that writing in email feels essential for you, perhaps you can bring some of the most of important emails to session where you can connect and address your written material in person. This way it doesn't go unspoken. This may feel scary or shameful, but I think one possible place to start?  Your commitment to yourself is just another signature of your strength and desire for inner realness and peace. Natural changes are occurring and you will get there.... Keep striving for less judgment and more realization that change is happening without you knowing right now.
Sending you warm blankets on this really cold night.
The Therapist

Dear Therapist:
Yes, you are correct on the frustration and struggles I continue to try to work through as it relates to actually look you in the eye and try to believe that you are being honest and sincere with me. Just a hunch I have that you are NOT – but I’m sure that my disbelief in your genuine honesty and sincerity is just an overgrowth of my trauma history and shall I reflect on it further, I will find that it has everything to do with me, nothing with you, just my transferring feelings onto you that should be directed at myself and the host body…and all the other dishonest and insincere fuck-heads that roam the earth! Especially the ones who can look you in the eyes and fucking lie! I like those the best!
Thank you for the validation that you believe I should be heard in a ‘safe’ place…I can tell you, I have a safe place, it’s called anonymously typing my pain and shame and frustrations behind the anonymity of a computer screen. Yes, in the past you have ‘strove’ (who uses the word ‘strove’???) to help create a safe place for me ~ and as I have told you ~ I really appreciate what you did, and I VALIDATE for you the hard work it took, and that you truly went above and beyond in earning my trust. And I “EMPATHIZE” with your struggles of dealing with the untrusting, psycho, border! It AINT EASY, I KNOW! 
However, trust was scattered into the wind when you told the 5 year old to 'deal with it' cuz you were busy, and hung up on her because you were with the fossil (before setting any "limits"), and said she was unrealistic and manipulative...yeah, I'm sure the gatekeeper will give you the fucking master key to all the inner thoughts now!
I just told you that she will not allow me to call you or email you, but you think I can actually write the shit out that I want to say to you (well, the ‘former’ you) and say it to your beautiful face????? First of all, it does not go ‘unspoken’ because I have friends who will listen, and I can write away out into cyberspace and ‘express’ myself all I want to (such as right this fucking minute) it just doesn’t get written, or spoken, to YOU! Yes, emails USED to feel “essential” to me, USED to! **Please note the PAST TENSE I mean to convey here!) however, I no longer email you since I have told you REPEATEDLY! That SHE WON’T LET ME email you or talk to you! So just what “emails” are you ‘suggesting’ I bring to session and read aloud to you? I could bring a fucking Dr. Suess book, if you like! That seems to be more “OUR” level of communication now!
Yes, I can SEE the changes, Dear Therapist! I can fucking walk around my kitchen all fucking night long talking to myself and touching shit in my present moment…I can and have had to do that on A LOT of occasions! And I can fake it like a fucking ROCK STAR! I’m fucking amazing! I know!
And I would like to take a moment to thank Target for filling my ativan script twice today (in one day!) and also to Medco for approving double refill and not denying the claim as a refill-to-soon! Even MORE geniuses at work! I typically say I don’t like stupid people ~ tonight I like ‘em a LOT!
The Demon Bartender has arrived, and so I shall now end my cyberspace borderline ranting and go make that vodka and razor my bitch! Just as the step-father made me HIS BITCH!
So, as my child-fucking step-father used to tell me as he fucking ripped my body apart, “Write that down in your book and go tell Granny!” (I'll change it to Marsha for you since I realize that's who you consult with.... )

Oh, thanks for the offer, but you can keep your ‘warm blanket’ ~ I have plenty of my own, I don’t need to ‘borrow’ yours ~ and anyway, I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate getting it back with puke and blood on it

I can't do this anymore.  Any of it! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!