If no one trusts, does it matter if everyone lies?

It's hard to talk to the therapist about embarrassing and shameful things ~ 'bad' things.  I can talk to my survivor friend, I can write about it here. It feels different for me, to talk to someone who has shared similar experiences…like speaks to like I guess. I’m not saying I have any idea of the therapist’s past ~ but I don’t get the feeling she was f'd by her father, or hated by her mother…and it embarrasses me to talk about where I came from. What I was ~ what he did, and what I continue to do to myself…it sickens me, and it’s f’d up. So I don’t understand how someone cannot judge something so terrible (not what happened to me as a kid –I know she isn’t going to judge that ~ but the stuff I continue to do now that is messed up). I email a friend and I tell her something that is fucked up and she will say, “Yeah, Grace ~ that’s f’d up.” And I know she’s being honest. That was a topic of conversation today during T.

Yesterday I told the therapist some of what happens on Friday nights and then part of me regretted telling her ~ and so I freaked last night and left her a frantic voicemail that she had to promise me she wouldn’t mention anything about Fridays because otherwise I couldn’t come to my appointment…because I was too embarrassed and ashamed and I can’t believe I said anything in the first place. She called me back and told me that she would not mention it and she would wait until all of us were ready to talk about it.

We did talk a little about Friday nights during my appointment today, and I told her it’s f’d up and I’m a freak…and I know she says she’s all nonjudgmental but I don’t believe that ~ how could anyone NOT be…and I wish she would really tell me what she was thinking, even if it is to say, “Gawd Grace, that’s f’d up!” (and not just because it’s always a goal of mine to get the therapist to say the “F” word…) but because Fridays are, in fact, f’d up! And she said she wasn’t thinking that at all…but I don’t believe that. Isn’t that what all therapists say? Like it’s written on page 246 of the ‘manual’ ~ never tell a client she is f’d up.

And so the therapist told me that I should just tell the hus why Friday nights are hard for me and then maybe we could agree to have sex on another night that isn’t so triggering for me. I nearly laughed at that suggestion, since I did not obviously give enough details to allow her to fully understand that it's not about having sex on Fridays…nope, not enough details. It was kinda cute ~ though, her suggestion., and the way she said it. It was almost like making an alternative suggestion to a 5 year old, “Well, Gracie, we don’t have any chocolate ice cream maybe you can have vanilla with chocolate syrup instead?” For the love of God, if she only knew! She would say, “Grace, that’s f’d up…”

Anyway, I’m already dreading this Friday~ and it’s only Wednesday! And I’m not strong enough to tell anyone why, or stop any of it. Sometimes I don’t understand how I got to be an adult….*huge exasperated sigh*!!! The therapist offered a check in call on Friday, but the past 2 Fridays she was working and that means I can talk to her around 11:30 at night.  This Friday she is off so she said we could plan a time earlier in the evening…I graciously declined her offer for 2 reasons: (1) she has the weekend off and I’m sure she has plans, and  (2) earlier than 11 won’t work for me. Sammy Terry starts at 10… And I can’t stop it - and the last 2 Fridays I talked to her at 11:30 and I was able to at least not hurt myself, or worse.  But it was nice of her to offer. I told her I would be okay…even if I hang on by my pinky fingernail, I’ll be okay. And even though I won’t really be “okay” I'm not telling her that…I’ll live. 

But Fridays are not “just another night”. Not for me. I cried all the way back to work when I left her office…I don’t even know why….that's f'd up...