Saturday, December 26, 2009

Gracefully Insane

"Even in your pain, you WILL be okay and you are NOT spite what you may think sometimes."
That's what the therapist said to me last May, and again last night.  When she tells me I am not insane, it always makes me raise an eyebrow in her direction because clearly, dear therapist, we both know that I am insane.  And if ANYONE is aware of that fact, it is her.  For the love of God!  In the past four years, I've interrupted her life a thousand times, left her insane borderline voicemails threatening to kill myself, sent hateful borderline emails, OD'd and cut myself in the parking lot of her office, cried, yelled, screamed, cussed her out, told her to fuck off, and begged her to help me~  and she can seriously look me in the eye and tell me I'm not crazy?  

Um, I don't think so...that aside, though, I am starting to see some of the root of where the craziness has grown from ~ not that that vision has lead me gracefully into the land of the sane.  I only wish that were true.  Sane people do not find bottles of vicodin and wonder how many she would have to take before respiration ceases.  Sane people do not lose all sense of reality and dissociate and do things they don't remember doing ~ and I don't mean not remembering a stop light on the way to work! Sane people do not have to count out anxiety and sleeping medication and hide the rest so a suididal part of her doesn't *accidentally* take them all.  I ain't sane!

If I really dig deep, I think that I have always been insane, in a twisted sort of way.Starting in the 6th grade I would let boys do things to me; not because I wanted to do them, but because I thought it would hurt the evil SF if someone else touched me. I don’t know why I thought that ~ I suppose it’s the runaway thought train that rushes through my maladaptive brain even now~ when I abruptly cancel a therapy appointment out of anger, or deliberately shut the therapist out in session. Does it punish the therapist?  No, Grace, it’s just you again, punishing you.  See, sane people don't think that way~ not even in the 6th grade.  This is a reason why you should not fuck kids ~ they go insane and then try to drive their therapists insane.  It's a terrible thing, really....


  1. Grace, I havent walked in your shoes and reflecting on your descriptions, I am not always acting out like you do. I am highly convinced I am NOT insane, only my acting out and the way choosen to do so are insane. Took me most of 5 yeras to see it that way ;-)) I have a hard time to stay focused. However I know I am worth it. Tell myself daily. It does help. Sometimes just enough to not act out. That sometimes that is all it takes for me. Love and hugs.

  2. I think I'm insane because of the crazy thoughts that are always in my head. There is no way these thoughts can be the thoughts of a sane person. But my shrink says, "It's just anxiety." I don't think he gets it, or he is just lying like you think your t is doing. Lies don't help me though.

    So I guess we're both insane. How is it that we can hide it so well in our daily lives?

  3. I feel like I'm crazy sometimes too. I had a really hard time with it in my Psych classes, where everyone is labeled against some norm that doesn't really exist. I had the most trouble when I thought of people through the dichotomy of sane and insane.

    The belief system I formed in response is that we are all levels of in/sane. I am not crazy, but I sometimes have crazy thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are mostly insane, with only a pinch of sanity. Other times it flip-flops.

    I guess the point of this jarble is that you are further victimizing yourself here. You're torturing yourself with this label, like I have done. Until you cognitively separate yourself from the things that make you feel crazy, I think you will continue to torture yourself.

  4. Thanks, Paula, I know you have experience in this pain. And I believe the words you have written ~ I hope to someday "feel" them, as well. And I hope the really bad acting out parts have expressed all they need to express in that way.

    Harriet ~ Meryl ain't got nothin' on us! It's probably the brain tumors again!

    Marie, yup ~ I'm really good at torturing myself...picking up where the parents left off seems to come natural to me. Hoping that will change one day. After 10s of thousands of $$$ and time spent in therapy and personal work outside of therapy....